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March 23, 2017 8:43 am  #1


Straight man losing his wife

Hi.  I wish I didn't have to be here.  I think we all wish the same.  I'm filled with grief and rage.  Zenslug, Lostdad, hi.  I read your stories and we are in similar straits.

I'm a late 30s man, been married for 11 years to a woman I met in college.  We started dating, fell in love, and got married after her graduation.  I'm 2 years older.  We now have 3 wonderful children, daycare to elementary age.  She's a SAHM who hasn't worked outside the house in 9 years.  I come from a well-off family, she does not.  She was never abused or sexually active until our relationship, and she claims to have never been interested in women until just this last year.

She's never cheated on me.  I've never cheated on her.  She's had libido issues on and off, and mild depression through our 15-year relationship.  And now she's gay, despite never being with another woman, I'm sleeping upstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son, and I can't stand to see her because it makes me so sad.

I'm fearful of posting anything here that might lead to legal prejudice, because I love my kids and want to keep them in my life.  But I feel it's her internal decisionmaking that's destroying my family and everything I've built.
Our relationship now is purely transactional.  She takes care of the kids, food, housework; I supply financial support so we can afford our life, and I play with the kids separate from her when I'm home from work at my 50 hr/wk job.

She wants to be friends while and after we separate.  I don't - because I blame her.  I want to be cordial and polite.

I'm working through this with my therapist, and she's working with her (lesbian) therapist.  I've been nothing but supportive with her discovery process, and now I'm done being supportive because she says there's nothing left for us upon which to build a marriage.

I've been on MMOMW for a while now, but this morning I sent a request to SSN for support, because "making it work" doesn't seem to be in the cards anymore.  Thanks for listening.

Dave

 

March 23, 2017 10:37 am  #2


Re: Straight man losing his wife

Hi Dave, 

I'm so sorry you are here.  You deserved better than a closet lesbian wife.  
Remember that you were blessed with some good years and have 3 amazing kids, so there has been some good from your marriage even though it may be coming to an end. 

You are still young and you have a bright future to look forward to.  You are also fortunate (if it's true) that she has come out to you before cheating on you.  That will make a big difference in how you co-exist and co-parent in the future.   Also, with your kids being younger, it will be easier on them vs. having this happen at a later age. 

A few notes for you..  If you are using your real name, I would advise changing it to a "handle" or different username.  We all keep a level of anonymity here to protect ourselves.  

I think you are right on to want to stay cordial and polite and be a good parent, but you certainly don't have to remain friends with her.  

One last thing.. that might be hard to stomach.   I think most of us on this site would agree that people don't just "turn gay" later in life.  I think she's lying to you when she says she just gained an interest in women this year.  There is no proof of course, but most believe that a same sex attraction is usually something hard-wired into a person.  It normally surfaces during puberty.  It is then up to the person to decide whether they want to embrace that or try to cover it up and try to appear to be heterosexual.  It's obviously not an easy life to be "different" and there is still a lot of bias and harm done to homosexuals.  So, what I'm saying is..  I don't think your wife just discovered that she's gay.  The fact that you mention libido issues and depression further back up my theory.  She has always known that she was gay, but she didn't want to be gay.  She probably tried to convince herself she could be hetero, but eventually came to the conclusion that she cannot.  Telling that this just happened takes the guilt away from her.  If you believe it just happened, then you can't blame her for being selfish and marrying you under false pretenses and you can't label her a liar for 15 years.  

I suggest you consult an attorney (privately) and start getting some education on the legal sides of divorce. With her being a SAHM you will have LOT of financial risk in this divorce.  Don't let her make you think she can continue to be a SAHM forever even after divorce.  Don't let her think she gets the kids full time either just because of the past arrangements.   The legal stuff can be very difficult to get through.. I just want you to start learning about your state's laws and make sure you learn what not to do.  Do not move out of the house!.. 

Let us know what support we can lend to you.  We are all survivors and we are here to help each other out.  We are here for you now. 


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

March 23, 2017 11:44 am  #3


Re: Straight man losing his wife

Hi Dave.  So sorry you need to be here - but welcome.  There are lots of men here just like you.  You'll find good company, and people in various stages of the process.

Your story sounds like so many of the men's here.  We always feel like our situation is so unique until we learn they all seem to have some commonalities.  They all say they want to stay friends after.  They all want our support - as if we need to prove to them that our love is true by loving them in the way THEY see fit - even if that pushes them further away from us.  They all act like this JUST happened to them.  Personally, I can never understand how if it JUST happened, you'd want to throw your entire life away for what is more of a whim than anything.  Which is why I believe that there is SOME lie in there - they've either felt this way for a long time, or had prior experience in that lifestyle, or have cheated on us.  You don't leave for less.  If she's been at home while you've been at work for 50 hours a week, you literally have NO idea if she's cheated on you.  I'm not saying that she has, but it's entirely possible for her to have a friend over without you ever having known - hell - without the kids ever having known.  I'm just saying that you shouldn't believe everything she's telling you at face value.  People don't trash their entire lives over nothing - especially women.  If you suddenly started thinking about men, would you leave your family a year later over it unless you HAD to have it?  And how would you know you had to have it?  Because you've had it - and nothing else compares.  And you can't go without it any longer.  That's how.

Wishing you fortitude and strength during this difficult time -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

March 23, 2017 4:09 pm  #4


Re: Straight man losing his wife

Dave,
Sorry you are here but you will find an incredibly supportive group, all in different stages of TGT. We are all different and lead different lives, but you'll start to see similarities in these stories.

I agree with lost dad and Kel, this may be the tip of the iceberg. Keep staying at home, in individual therapy, and try to work outside your anger to settle as much as you can for the kid's sake. You can do this, and you'll need to gather your support fortress. Here, it's open season to vent about whatever you want.

You talk a lot about her requests and wants/needs....what do you want? What does life look like moving forward?


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

March 23, 2017 9:44 pm  #5


Re: Straight man losing his wife

Dave,

A warm welcome to our forum.  While you may read bitterness, sadness etc here, one thing I noticed is the folks here are kind.  For me their advice has been spot on.

Kudos to you for getting a therapist and working through the shock of this.  I have to agree with folks here..one doesn't just turn gay..if you put a gun to my head I would not suddenly like guys..it's an ingrained fundamental thing.  That our spouses kept their lack of this fundamental thing secret is hard to process.  Please continue to work with your therapist to help process this all.

Take small steps each day. Always forward and in the direction of helping yourself and your kids.

I think what you're seeing is as I did that you can't live in a marriage like this..i tried for a bit...it eats at you..I ended up shaking with trauma in the beginning when she went out ...was she really going shopping or was it a date?  Answer..it was a date..hotel rooms and all.

Small steps for you and your kids..cheapest option now
.maintain status quo.. discretely get financial info together, build your support system.

Write back as you travel through this valley.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 25, 2017 2:31 am  #6


Re: Straight man losing his wife

Hi Dave, I don't have much more to add, the above have covered plenty for you to mull over, just wanted to say I'm sorry you find yourself here but glad you did, the support is amazing.

I'm sorry I didn't start posting when TGT started for me...............keep posting, ranting and venting, you need that outlet!


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

March 25, 2017 6:11 am  #7


Re: Straight man losing his wife

Hi folks, thanks for the support.
My STBXGW and I have always had a very open line of communication, so I told her that I talked to a lawyer and of the costs associated.  It's going to wreck me - between support, alimony, and trying to pay a mortgage, there's nothing left.  So I'm afraid.
We've also just finished furnishing out the basement, so there's a chance that I can live down there and we continue to cohabit for a while, until she actually finds a job.
But I still crave her touch, her warmth.  She's been my partner for nearly half of my life.
I was very hesitant to come here for support, because it felt like an admission that there wasn't a marriage left to save.  But then I think back to that she went on a coming out support board within 3 weeks of us starting to discuss her orientation, and I wonder if that's fair.

     Thread Starter
 

March 25, 2017 12:53 pm  #8


Re: Straight man losing his wife

None of this is really fair but it shows you that she has her direction already set. Many of us wanted or tried to save things but that doesn't work unless both parties are rowing the boat in the same direction and speed. All marriages are like this, the sexual orientation factor adds an extra level of complication, like a heavy headwind blowing you off course.

You could try the basement thing as a starter while figuring the rest out. Hopefully it's like a self contained apartment or else it will be harder to separate your personal lives beyond that what concerns the children. If she starts seeing others (or if you do) it will be hard for the other person to not notice. Perhaps what you both need is a multi-step plan with the goal of allowing everyone a reasonable way out. Something that includes a secondary family income, paying down shared debt, deciding to sell the house or not. If you are both still working well together you might be able to come up with a strategy, just not one you ever thought you'd need to have.

As for the emotional aspect, I can offer little there except for shared sympathy. If not already, she will soon begin to emotionally disengage from you. Kind of like returning back to a time before you started dating and may have been just acquaintances. Your kids will be there for you and you need to be there for them. They will wonder what it all means, where will they live, how often will they see the other parent, will they still go to the same school, have the same friends and so on. If you and your spouse are able to answer these questions together (age-appropriately) they'll do OK. Hug your kids often.

Good luck and hang in there.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

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