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February 16, 2017 10:05 am  #1


Not a Narcissist

Deleted

Last edited by jkpeace (April 13, 2017 7:09 pm)

 

February 16, 2017 11:27 am  #2


Re: Not a Narcissist

Hi Jk,

This is a really good thing!  I didn't have this, although my ex was more agreeable than most when it came to what I needed.  This is a journey, and hopefully, you're taking your journey with a soon-to-be-ex partner who turned out to see the error of his ways and honor the love he originally had for you and his children.  It's no guarantee that he'll continue to do that, as you well know.  But it's a great start.  It's much easier to be decent back to someone who's being decent to you.  Just keep your eyes open so you can see the things that may slip or areas where he may start to feel differently about.

In the beginning of my divorce (just like so many others everywhere - gay or not), we followed the custody agreement to the letter.  Later, over time, things began to ebb and flow more and we each gave and took when we needed to.  When things start to get too far off-center, go back and adhere to the agreement again.  It works.  It's a great baseline for you to work from.

Best of luck as you proceed. 

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 16, 2017 11:37 am  #3


Re: Not a Narcissist

I have a divorced uncle who gets together with his ex and her new husband.  But he  has his new  wife and new kid.. They were divorced many years ago..All the kids are older now.       My family finds it odd but it seems so ideal to me ...all water under the bridge...everyone getting along. 

I , as you know don't see that happening for me..   but many many years from now.. who knows.   It would be nice for our kid's sake if we could all move on yet also get along.


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 16, 2017 8:53 pm  #4


Re: Not a Narcissist

jkpeace, 

We didn't have kids, but I tried the friends thing.  In the end, there was love there.  We text each other Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas...some days.  We've seen each other several times over the years, not necessarily by choice.  And it's fine.  And we laugh about our old days together, since most of our friends know now the real story.  People ask me privately how I can look at him, be with him or his partner in the same room, how I don't want to kick him in the face.  But that's not me.  It never has been.  He knows who he is, and who I am.  He knows what I am not, and I know who he is not.  He is now just a part of my past that I don't hate, sometimes am sad about, angry about, and happy about.  We don't regularly communicate and I don't feel the need to keep him in the loop about my life, and he doesn't ask.   So it is ok, and it can be ok, and you'll both find your way.  The hardest thing to do, for me, was let go of the iron cloak I wore of his issues, and to unpack his baggage, and leave the suitcase behind.   It then was so much easier to see him for everything he was and wasn't, and just forgive the past.  

Be proud of who you are as a mom, as a former spouse, and as a friend.  You are a gem.  

Hugs, M


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

February 27, 2017 5:58 am  #5


Re: Not a Narcissist

I'm 16mths since TGT and waiting to hear a date for the divorce, hopefully within the next two months or so. At this stage I can't see a time when we'll get along civilly. We had our daughter's wedding in January, both families travelled to a different country - very stressful, STBX and I didn't talk at all. He and his family blame me (why did I settle, why did I allow this or that to go on, my MIL even telling me my biggest issue with all this is I think I'm perfect, he can't help what he is, he was born that way!)  Kids in 20s now, all out of home, all relationships seem to be rocky. Two had just left home within the previous three weeks when my youngest discovered his father is gay, all three knew before I did. I had no idea he could be so deceitful. The narcissism that's evolved since his outing is astounding. He's been good financially as I was the one at home and he progressed in a very successful career. But in 'accepting' his generosity financially I feel I've a gun to my head to shut up, say nothing but thank you and don't rock the boat. It's very stifling, just waiting for the divorce to be final tbh! He tells the kids he hopes we'll be friends one day but isn't displaying anything to convey that to me. Perhaps it is possible in time, who knows?!

 

February 27, 2017 8:35 am  #6


Re: Not a Narcissist

Missy Moo, build your support fortress.  That won't include his family.  You were so brave to attend that wedding!  For what it's worth, no one in his family ( or anywhere else for that matter) has the right to tell you that you are acting as if you are perfect.   True, he can't help who he is, but he is in control of the level of ridiculousness and behavior towards you.  The truth is, he probably doesn't realize it.  When someone is so wrapped up in themselves, it's second nature to put anything that isn't totally about them aside...including other people's needs, wants, and feelings.  
You have no obligation to shut up; you are NOT rocking the boat.  You can scream from the rooftops if you want, but he and his family might not hear you or might not want to.  That's not the greatest support system for you.  
Keep focused on YOU and what you need right now.  This is not about you, I'm reading what your MIL said in her contradictory comment--you allowed it, but he can't help who he is...her poor boy.  WHATEVER.  

Perhaps one day you can be friends.  Now is not the time, as it's the shock and hurt of watching his pride and you being left aside like a piece of dung that hurts the most.  Move forward and away. 

Keep posting, we are all here for you. 

Hugs to you. 
M


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

February 27, 2017 10:01 am  #7


Re: Not a Narcissist

Missymoo,

Forward.. always move forward..  one small step at a time.   Its a complete brainF**k that his family cannot see and doesn't want to see what he did.   I miss my in-laws  but they are beyond me now..  They do not want to see what their daughter did and will always side with her..  I am civil and do not keep their grand kids from them.   I really have no bone with them.
I told my FIL at one point after discovery  how much I loved his daughter and how well I treated her.  Its a sad case now of  "he said, she said" .    I miss them but they can offer me nothing but civility ..if they think me a horrible husband to their daughter there is nothing I can do about it.  They have no idea how no male can treat their daughter well enough.. They have no idea about the lies their daughter will spin to keep her cheating and gayness hidden..  nothing I can do about it.. 

Take comfort that God knows what a good wife you were and are  and move on.   No need to be best friends now..  perhaps that can come later.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 27, 2017 8:30 pm  #8


Re: Not a Narcissist

Hi JK

It's an interesting question.  I have read stories of people who have done this and managed to have a supposedly amazing relationship with their ex.  I don't think this will be me though. I have a contribution but I wouid say it's mostly because my ex refuses to acknowledge who she is and the degree of betrayl.  Maybe when the kids are older etc it might be possible but I doubt it.
I struggle at the moment with what a family msans for the  kids - two separate existences with very minimal contact seems schizophrenic. But I don't see an alternative. Mine are young so it's a little different.

 

February 28, 2017 2:36 am  #9


Re: Not a Narcissist

Hi all, I've change me user name from MissyMoo to Foolme. Thank you guys so much for the above comments. I will start a new thread with this. I regret so much not engaging in this site sooner. I did find it, read some stuff in the early days and as I'm not an "onliner" didn't post and kinda forget about it in the mayhem that was my life until this past weekend. I will definitely post a thread about me (sounds so vain - but hell it is about me, right?!!) Onwards and upwards, when I have time I'll put myself out here more. I have done a bio in the success stories section under Foolme. Thanks again for the support xxxx


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

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