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December 10, 2016 3:42 pm  #1


NOT BATHING????

Just a goofy question.
He hasn't bathed in 3-4 weeks, is that some form of self punishment, because of your actions you feel dirty?

 

December 10, 2016 5:42 pm  #2


Re: NOT BATHING????

I think we've all learned there are no goofy questions.   

Have you asked him about it?  If you're living together I hope you have some relief and fresh air somewhere. 


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

December 10, 2016 10:07 pm  #3


Re: NOT BATHING????

Form of protest..or to get sympathy? 
Sounds like he's not working?


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 11, 2016 3:01 am  #4


Re: NOT BATHING????

LC:

Is this new behavior for him? And it began suddenly? If so, have there been any other changes in his daily routine? If he were feeling dirty because of his actions, I would think he'd more likely be obsessed with getting and staying clean, washing away any evidence...  "Out, out, damned spot" and all that.

This is something I would discuss with his doctor to rule out any phsyiological causes before assuming it's something psychological. His lack of hygiene for 3-4 weeks sounds like more than a mere annoyance or inconvenience; doesn't he notice the smell about himself, or feel itchy or greasy or unclean? A change in behavior that dramatic and sudden, for 3-4 weeks, and it doesn't seem to bother him, he doesn't notice it or smell it himself? That sounds like some form of brain damage. I would be talking to a neurologist.

When you hear hoofbeats, think "horses" not "unicorns."  Meaning, rule out the most obvious first - biological or organic before emotional or psychological.

Last edited by BryonM (December 12, 2016 5:55 am)


"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!"  - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21
 
 

December 14, 2016 10:16 pm  #5


Re: NOT BATHING????

Hello All,
Something new.  Amazing thing he doesn't smell as you would imagine.  I think he is what I call taking spit bath (washing major areas from the sink) periodically, maybe thats why.  The fact that he has not showered or full immersion bath is perplexing. The spit baths are "periodic".
Yes I did say something yesterday, he just smiled like I was wrong. I said unless your bathing somewhere else. Im fairly confident he is not. Like I said in the original post I thought maybe a form of self punishment because of what he is secretly doing.
Scratching my head as usual.

     Thread Starter
 

December 15, 2016 3:11 am  #6


Re: NOT BATHING????

LC,

Or is not bathing a repellent to insure he doesn't have any possibility of having to have a sexual encounter with you? That's the thought I immediately had.

My Gay husband did all sorts of things to make sure it was never a possibility.

 

December 15, 2016 2:41 pm  #7


Re: NOT BATHING????

Judy
Yes would make sense, except because of an ED problem for sometime, I  haven't initiated so as not to make him feel bad.  And you have to come to bed instead of sleeping in the chair. Who knows, just put it out there to see if anyone else noticed the same behavior.

     Thread Starter
 

December 15, 2016 4:04 pm  #8


Re: NOT BATHING????

LC,
Mine also had an ED problem but my therapist told me it's because he didn't want to have sex with a woman. Hard to perform. He had no prob with his male lover.

Sleeping in a chair is also avoidance. I'm in two groups and I have two therapists. Two because I wanted balance and a greater degree of accuracy. This is very hard - as you know and I was actually better off right after he left. At the nine month mark the fog lifted and I could see this for the horror it is.

Have a peaceful day!

 

December 15, 2016 4:24 pm  #9


Re: NOT BATHING????

LC, 
Out of probably 100 conversations with mine over sex, I'd talk and he'd sit there saying very little or nothing. Then on we'd go to the next two years with no change. The last one I finally said how can we change this, I need intimacy and I want to be close to you-not like the neighbor or a roommate. He said "you're too crazy to fuck". That was my answer after 100+ conversations on the subject. I was delusional in this marriage. I imagined I was in it with someone who cared about me. He never met one of my needs in almost 50 years. I am showing the worst deficit and I am unable to have any kind of trusting relationship with anyone. I want one but realize I am extremely damaged from this. I'm trying hard to regroup but it's 9 steps forward on a good day and 8 backward by nightfall. The damage this has done is epic. A new year is coming soon and that's a good cleansing and a different mindset. He isn't going to be in that year with me because I won't allow it. I am going to get out more in social situations and stop looking in my rearview mirror all the time. We'll see if that helps.

Last edited by Judy (December 15, 2016 4:27 pm)

 

December 15, 2016 6:06 pm  #10


Re: NOT BATHING????

Judy,
I'm  sorry to hear 50 years and then this for you.  I'm 20 yrs in.  Mine hasn't admitted to anything.
I haven't asked or accused, but did finally make a statement "There are only two reasons a man can lie in a bed with a woman and not want to have sex with her 1. He has ED and has a medical problem.  2. He doesnt like women."
I figured he would blow up, nope, no denial, no confirmation just said "Oh now I know why you said you weren't going to be my cover anymore" (I had said this several weeks ago)
I know he loves me, but he is living with his demons.  I see through the BS and am baffled by his rants but see them for what they are and don't internalize it.  Thank God I know who I am.  My hurt comes from time invested and him feeling he can't be honest with me.  I told him two days ago along with the above statement "you have skated by in the last 20 yrs, but this time you have pissed me off.  He comes in this morning 4:20a.m. and asked about me still being up.  I told him not to ask me anything because at this point the "ONLY" thing we have to talk about is the business.  As far as I go it's none of your business! 
He has said "supposedly" he would be out by Christmas.  I'm not holding my breath, it will probably need to be forced upon him.  I believe it was Sean that said they don't like to be alone, this is true of mine and has always stated that.  I'm grieving the loss and it is a huge one.  I love him always will and feel no shame to do so with all the junk he has shoveled my way.  In my observance it's the strong ones who usually have their plates the fullest with the junk.  Remember that as you go forward.
I am a Christian and love Mercy Me's song "Beautiful" very encouraging.  Please listen to it if you can.  Another one from the same group is "Younger Me"
They are very uplifting.
May God Bless you with clarity, peace and 18 steps forward & 0 back 😊

     Thread Starter
 

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