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Mon Nov 7 9:37 am  #1


A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hello. I've been posting on this website for a few months and decided to make this new thread. By way of background, I am a gay ex-husband who separated in December 2014, divorced in September 2015, and am now co-parenting three wonderful children with my ex-wife. I have struggled with my homosexuality all of my life, met a girlfriend at age 18, married her at age 28, and unfortunately our marriage started falling apart in about 2010. I then followed a familiar pattern of porn, affairs, and lies. I am not a mental health professional so I can't diagnose per se. But I'm happy to share my experience as a gay man who lived most of his life in denial, married a woman, came out with some dignity, divorced amicably, and now gets along well with his ex-wife. My children are also happy and well adjusted despite our break up. I look forward to answering any questions members may have from 'the other side.'  

 

Mon Nov 7 6:46 pm  #2


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I have a million questions...I don't know your story I just looked and you haven't posted it. 
Did you tell your wife or did she find out. I am wondering if you would have been content to stay with your wife if she had agreed.

Vicky


 
 

Tue Nov 8 12:03 am  #3


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

1. I have a million questions.

Ask away! 

2. I don't know your story I just looked and you haven't posted it.

The short version is: gay feelings since age five; met a girl age 18; married age 27; children (now three) early 30s; sexless marriage roughly starting age 30 when I discovered gay internet porn; cheating started in my 40s; separated at age 42; divorced 43; now 44 years old. 

3. Did you tell your wife or did she find out.

I think she always suspected, found my questionable internet history about ten years ago, then found an email I'd shared with a male escort roughly four years ago. This was confirmation although we tried to save our marriage. She then confronted me. I lied. But then the same day I came home and came out to her. 

4. I am wondering if you would have been content to stay with your wife if she had agreed.

I've made many many mistakes, but this perhaps is where I did the right thing. After coming out to my wife in May 2012, we tried to stay together "for the children" for about 18 months. I was a full-blown sex addict at the time, trying to make up for lost time (I rationalized). I believe it was December 2013 that I told my wife I wanted a divorce. Before asking, she offered me a deal: we'd stay together in a platonic relationship for another 10-12 years until our youngest was 18. I would be 60 by the time we'd amicably divorce. What changed my mind was seeing a child psychologist. I asked him for the signs that our children were suffering because of my behaviour. He said our eldest son (then 12) was probably trying to be perfect as he felt this would keep his parents together; my daughter (then 10) he said was likely an emotional wreck, emotionally spent, who was turning inward to protect herself; and my son (then 6) didn't know how to cope so his stress would be through insomnia, nightmares, and constipation. He'd never met my kids but he was so bang-on in his assessment that the next day I asked for a divorce. So no I wouldn't have been content to stay in a loveless, sexless, partnership. This wasn't the type of relationship I wanted for myself, nor as an example for my children. This may be why I'm biased towards mixed orientation marriages. It seems the gay spouse asking for this kind of relationship years into the marriage is getting much more out of it than the reluctant straight spouse. 

I hope I've answered your questions so please feel free to ask more. 

Last edited by Séan (Tue Nov 8 12:04 am)

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Nov 8 5:02 pm  #4


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean,

Was there any point during your journey when you thought you wanted physical sex with a man, but not an intimate relationship?  I hear many people here say that their spouse (usually the wives) says this, and it seems to make the st8 spouse think that maybe their spouse isn't actually gay (or worse, it makes the gay spouse think they're not gay).  If you found yourself in that spot, how long did it take (and what did it take) for you to change your mind about this?  I often think that when the gay-in-denial spouse finds someone they feel connected to on an emotional level, they often change their mind on this aspect of them being truly gay.  Just curious as to your thoughts.

Thanks -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (Tue Nov 8 5:03 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Nov 8 5:28 pm  #5


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Questions!

1.  While we were still married but starting to see other people, my GIDEX told me he had a awful/exciting cuckholding dream that I was having sex with another man (the guy I'm with now) and making him watch... he said he was crying and felt awful and dirty but still turned on.  He told me this story as if to make me feel sorry for him but it always struck me as strange.  I read somewhere that it's possible that men have those kinds of fantasies when they secretly want to be with the man... that they could even possibly push their wives to cheat with a man because they really wish they were the ones doing it.  Do you think that's possible?

2.  This is a direct quote from my GIDEX a year after we divorced and he was starting to date women again... "Haven't been seeing any guys - don't care to.  I had those initial experiences and learned what I really want.  I tried a few more times and it was empty and miserable - I actually started shaking and almost crying - It was traumatic and connecting to deep trauma.  Seeing a woman I get to know is very satisfying and positive in every way you could want.  So there it is.  I'm not gay and I'm not bisexual.  Several therapists, me and experience agree."  This was after months of him hooking up with dozens of men who he would have "girl talk" with me about in the most giddy, excited way possible.  Is there any way that this is the truth?

3.  My ex is the kind of evangelical Christian who believes men are the head of the family and the only direct link to God...  and the kind of covert misogynist who once told me that what he fantasizes about in private was "none of my business."  He believes that it was God's plan for him to be with a woman despite preferring men and that he's doing what he's supposed to and what many good men have done before him.  Have you any experience with men who truly believe that most or all men are attracted to other men and that a woman/wife is not entitled to be married to a man that is oriented towards women?  

Thanks for this.

Last edited by megleigh (Tue Nov 8 6:47 pm)

 

Tue Nov 8 5:54 pm  #6


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Megleigh,
Mine has a cuckhold fantasy where I tell him what to do to a guy and what the guy should do to him.  I think it's because if he's being told by me to do it then it is ok.
Vicky


 
 

Tue Nov 8 7:28 pm  #7


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

In response to Kel: 

1. Was there any point during your journey when you thought you wanted physical sex with a man, but not an intimate relationship?  I hear many people here say that their spouse (usually the wives) says this, and it seems to make the st8 spouse think that maybe their spouse isn't actually gay (or worse, it makes the gay spouse think they're not gay).  

That's an excellent question. At first, I explored my homosexuality via the internet, which unfortunately meant exclusively via internet porn. As you can imagine, pornography rarely shows loving, caring, intimate relationships. Sadly my only window into the world of men-with-men relationships was hard-core sex videos. So for me gay initially meant exclusively sex and this seems to be how other gay spouses start their journeys. With regards to husbands and wives rationalizing these relationships as 'just sex' I think that's logical. It's logical because the gay spouse often has an intimate and loving relationship with the straight spouse and, like me, isn't ready to lose everything just to get off from time to time. Maybe this is why so many couples try mixed orientation marriages or even open marriages for a time. They have intimacy but neither is sexually satisfied. 

2. If you found yourself in that spot, how long did it take (and what did it take) for you to change your mind about this?  I often think that when the gay-in-denial spouse finds someone they feel connected to on an emotional level, they often change their mind on this aspect of them being truly gay.  Just curious as to your thoughts.

This is exactly what happened Kel. Following disclosure, I went through a roughly four-month non-stop sex binge. I had sex with every gay man in my area. Then I met my current (male) partner. When I met him, I felt an emotional connection that I hadn't felt during my many hook ups. I read on this site or perhaps somewhere else online that sex represents less than 0.4% of a relationship. Looking back, what I wanted was to share my life with another man. That's what being gay means to me. It means loving and being loved by another man. Great sex is simply an extension of those feelings, not the other way around.

I hope I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again. 

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Nov 8 7:47 pm  #8


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

In response to megleigh's questions: 

1.  While we were still married but starting to see other people, my GIDEX told me he had a awful/exciting cuckholding dream that I was having sex with another man (the guy I'm with now) and making him watch... he said he was crying and felt awful and dirty but still turned on.  He told me this story as if to make me feel sorry for him but it always struck me as strange.  I read somewhere that it's possible that men have those kinds of fantasies when they secretly want to be with the man... that they could even possibly push their wives to cheat with a man because they really wish they were the ones doing it.  Do you think that's possible?

It's certainly possible, but pretty f*cked up. In my youth, I often watched straight pornography with friends. (It's just something teen boys did back in the good old VHS days.) And guess what I was watching: the men. In my mind, the women were merely props. I was fascinated by the men, their bodies, and their equipment of course. What you've described sounds like a live version of what I experienced when watching straight pornography. Although I never fantasized about my (then) wife having sex with other men. 

2.  This is a direct quote from my GIDEX a year after we divorced and he was starting to date women again... "Haven't been seeing any guys - don't care to.  I had those initial experiences and learned what I really want.  I tried a few more times and it was empty and miserable - I actually started shaking and almost crying - It was traumatic and connecting to deep trauma.  Seeing a woman I get to know is very satisfying and positive in every way you could want.  So there it is. I'm not gay and I'm not bisexual.  Several therapists, me and experience agree."  This was after months of him hooking up with dozens of men who he would have "girl talk" with me about in the most giddy, excited way possible.  Is there any way that this is the truth?

He sounds as gay as a rainbow. I find that anytime someone exclaims, "I'm really rich" or "I'm really smart" they're simply trying to convince themselves by repeating these statements to others. When we're comfortable with something, we just are. For example, if someone accused me of being straight, I'd just laugh it off because I know who I am now. Defensiveness about anything means it strikes a highly sensitive nerve. A straight man doesn't have to justify it. He's just straight. Period. The only people who obsess about gay and gay sex are gays in denial and this may include your ex-husband. 

3.  My ex is the kind of evangelical Christian who believes men are the head of the family and the only direct link to God...  and the kind of covert misogynist who once told me that what he fantasizes about in private was "none of my business."  He believes that it was God's plan for him to be with a woman despite preferring men and that he's doing what he's supposed to and what many good men have done before him.  Have you any experience with men who truly believe that most or all men are attracted to other men and that a woman/wife is not entitled to be married to a man that is oriented towards women?  

I'm not surprised your gay in denial ex-husband is an Evangelical Christian. He's been programmed his whole life to deny his sexuality. I'm not quite sure I understand what you're asking with this question. But no, I don't have any experience with men who believe that most men have same-sex attractions. Nor do I have any experience with men who believe women shouldn't be with men attracted to women. Am I reading all of this correctly? 

I hope I've answered your questions. 

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Nov 8 7:58 pm  #9


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

In response to JK: 

"As far as I know, my STBX husband has never had an anonymous hookup.  The thing he said that showed me his truth the most was when he said, "What if this marriage was a mistake?  What if I need a man's hand to hold? That is not about sex.  That is about emotional connection.  I know this has very little to do with sex for him. Very strange that he still thinks that he could be happy married to me.  My hand will never be a man's hand or heart or soul.  I know that.  He knows that.  He just can't accept it. Does that sound correct Sean?" 

There is no right or wrong, no correct nor incorrect, in our journeys JK. Question: what would it change for you whether he's had sex or not? My feeling is he has given what you've shared in previous posts. You mentioned his regret, depression, and a year-long relationship with a 30-year-old etc. I don't think that relationship was platonic so yes I think he's crossed that line based on what you've shared. 

I hope that doesn't hurt too much. 

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Nov 8 8:47 pm  #10


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks so much, Sean!

In regards to the third question, I guess I'm asking if you have experience with gay men who really believe that it's none of their wife's business as long as they're trying to be a good Christian.  He seems to believe it's SO common that it's not even worth mentioning and definitely not worthy of any marital discord.  I can't understand it.

 

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