Hi Kate, 

Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be in, but can't live without. 

First off.  Please take care of yourself.  As Lily said, please get tested as you don't know what diseases the men your husband has been intimate with might have passed on.  Stop having sex with him for your own safety now and for your mental health, which you will understand later.  

If you are suffering from sleep deprivation, anxiety attacks and/or depression, please go see a physician to get medicine to help temper those problems so that you are healthy enough to face the challenges ahead. 

You said that you've told a couple of people.. that is great.  Don't keep the secret and live with the pain for his good.  Tell whoever you need to tell to get the support you need.   Don't spread his secret with malicious intent of course, but don't feel you need to hurt yourself by keeping it.  

I'm not sure i can answer your specific questions very well.. but I will try. 

1.)  Telling people.  Revealing things to family is very hard.  I personally haven't told my elementary school age boys and I certainly haven't told my wife's family.  I don't think my boys are ready for it yet.. i think the divorce will be bad enough without placing blame on one of the two parties.  I don't think it's my place to tell her family, but then I don't lean on them for emotional support either.  If I saw them frequently and considered them to be some of my closest friends and best support then i might.  But I think I would have a discussion with her first.  If you tell your husbands family he might consider that a threatening act.  You don't want to make things hostile.   With your daughters, I guess you need to think about what is best for them and not for you.  They come first.  Will going through a divorce without the truth be worse for them?  I suspect that if they are teens, then they deserve the whole truth and will probably know if you are lying to them anyway. 

2.)  Whether or not to see a lawyer depends on your relationship with your husband.  If you can sit at the kitchen table and negotiate the terms of your assets and child custody and trust him to keep his word, then I don't think you need to spend a ton of money on lawyers.  You can go through mediation and take navigate the legal process yourself.  I'm doing this with my soon-to-be-ex wife.  We are both reasonable enough to know that it's not worth spending $20k to fight over $20k and we are both in agreement that 50/50 custody is fair and best for the kids.   BUT..I realize that my personal situation is probably the exception to the rule.  I would suggest on the record that you schedule some consultations.  Most attorneys will offer a free 1 hour consult where you can ask a ton of questions.  You can go see 3 or 4 or more attorneys and learn a ton about the process and how to protect yourself. 

3.)  Stop sleeping with him.  The end of your relationship is coming, so having sex will not fix anything.  The sooner you break that bond the better.  Not to mention the personal health issue.  If he's admitted to a couple of liasons, it's quite possible there have been many more.  You have no idea what health issues and STD's he might be carrying now.  Stop sleeping with him..  He can sleep in another room from now on. 

4.)  Finances will be a point of contention in any divorce.  Make sure you protect yourself.  In most cases when a divorce is filed one or both parties will request an order of "status quo" to make sure neither person spends or hides money unwisely.  Make sure you have access and awareness of all financials.  If there are large sums of money that you think he might abscond with, go ahead and move them into a safe place (move and control for safety, not hide).  How you deal with finances depends on your trust level.. and if he's been cheating on you, I suspect that is not high right now.  


The loss of love in a marriage is a lot to deal with.  The legalities of divorce are a lot to deal with.  The issues around finances and how you are going to pay for divorce and support yourself afterwards are a lot to deal with.  Don't let them overwhelm you.   Take one step at a time and do what you are comfortable with. 

You can do this!  We are here to help.  Please continue to share and ask questions.  It will be very good for you and we all want to help as much as we can. 

Consider reaching out to the SSN for information about a local group.  There are groups in most states and many countries. 

Blessings and e-hugs to you Kate

KateA2 wrote:

Hello...
1) At what point can I feel ethically ok about telling my daughters and his family? Never? He has confided in a few friends (as have I) but those closest don't know and I'm feeling isolated from them; my sister-in-law and I are close friends. I also feel a wall between my kids and I.
2) Am I stupid not to see a lawyer? I so badly want to trust him (he shared very intimate details about the encounters) but I read others accounts and am wary...
3) We are still sleeping together and it's almost like he wants to prove he's attracted to me..:he's being very seductive and it's hard to resist...crazy I know. Anyone else experienced that? It seems like it will make separating even more wrenching...but I can't let him go.
4) Financially...where to begin? Any tips? Credit cards, student loans, separating phone bills...ugh.
Thank you for being here...feeling very, very alone.

KateA2,
Firstly, I'm truly sorry you're here & going through this. We all know how agonizing it is, so we get it & you are not alone xx

I wouldn't say you are "stupid" as much as new to this scenario and perhaps too trusting. I think (for me at least) the sense of optimism is a security blanket to shelter out shock & sadness & the darn reality of it all. Like, if we pretend it's going to be civil, than maybe it will be.

No matter how entirely possible it is to remain friends with your spouse or even get back to that a time down the road when the sting of divorce wears off you both, I would emphatically urge you to take care of yourself & your children. Both financially & for god's sake, health wise. Your children need you (& them) to be in as financially sound a place as possible and that you are not putting your health at risk by continuing intimacy with your husband. I know it's REALLY hard to suddenly let go & bury every aspect of your married life in the blink of an eye, especially when he's still in the darn room!! but you must! You must also let go (at least for the time being, until you are in fact divorced & settled) of any trust you *think* is there financially. It is NOT. Sorry to be brutally honest, but if you read thru the archives you will see the best advise is always, "get your cards in order, be stealth, be smart, get a lawyer, a therapist & trustworthy friends. And quit sleeping with them. It's nothing more than emotional blackmail & manipulation. It's also incredibly narcissistic when u really think about it. He's told he's gay, has slept around, prefers men, is agreeable with divorce, but wants to sleep with you. Why? Sorry, but that sound's an awful lot like a control tactic. Keep you needing him, fooled that he cares for you, so you won't hurt him too badly financially. 

Your question about sudden intimacy & new found affections/sex drive? It hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly what my STBX just pulled on me all weekend (after too much wine I suspect). This man has not payed two hoots towards me, my sexuality or my heart in almost 15 years, but he was super gooshy, to the point my daughter was uncomfortable..................................then I got on his PC history last night & discovered he had been planning the night before, more deception financially that would in fact cripple me & the kids, but he would be sitting pretty (okay, he *wishes* he'd be pretty after MTF sex surgeries, but that's another convo)...Point is, please be aware how all of us here have been further duped, after the big reveal & well into divorce proceedings. You can always go BACK to throwing caution & hearts to the wind later, when U know for a fact where he slots you & your kids welfare after the divorce.


Keep posting, it will be a God send here to have kinship, advice & FREE therapy!! 

Bless you & good luck this next little while, get support for YOU!! 
Sham
 

Good morning Kate. Thank you for sharing, although I'm sorry you have to find yourself here. This sentence struck me: "we've created a plan to phase out of our marriage over the course of a year." I wanted to congratulate you on taking such a calm and organized approach to a soul-destroying situation. I'd recommend writing down the plan, printing it, and then sticking with it regardless of what your husband does. Moving on to your questions, I am a gay ex-husband so I'll try to answers your questions based on my own person experience of disclosure, separation, and divorce: 

1) At what point can I feel ethically ok about telling my daughters and his family? Never? He has confided in a few friends (as have I) but those closest don't know and I'm feeling isolated from them; my sister-in-law and I are close friends.  I also feel a wall between my kids and I.

As others have shared, take care of yourself first. His secrets are not your secrets and you want to avoid being shoved into his closet. This may mean getting therapy, talking to your family (but not his), and perhaps connecting via email or telephone with members of this forum. So please don't isolate because isolation mixed with fear would put you in the same mindset as your closeted husband. With regards to your children, that's a tough one. Mine knew that something was happening but didn't know what nor how to react to it. As for outing your husband, again I'd suggest you take care of yourself while allowing him to come out to his family and the kids on his own. Why? Your husband admitted he is gay which is just the first step. But he did so under duress and given his "twice" comment I'm inclined to think he has a long way to go before full-blown self-acceptance. So my advice would be to take care of yourself first, be there for your children by answering their questions rather than disclosing, and allow your husband to manage coming out to his sister and family. 

2) Am I stupid not to see a lawyer? I so badly want to trust him (he shared very intimate details about the encounters) but I read others accounts and am wary...

I think you should see a lawyer, without your husband. Most men who have remained closeted for decades know a thing or two about lying and manipulation (see my answer below). So you are completely justified in seeing a divorce lawyer on your own. This too is just part of the long process of decoupling. 

3) We are still sleeping together and it's almost like he wants to prove he's attracted to me..:he's being very seductive and it's hard to resist...crazy I know. Anyone else experienced that? It seems like it will make separating even more wrenching...but I can't let him go.

I've read similar stories on this website so what you've described appears to be part of the decoupling process. My ex-wife and I slept together for almost a year, held hands in public, went to couples therapy, and generally acted like a couple before officially separating and living apart. Looking back, our healing only began once we were mentally divorced: no sex; no longer living together; no longer 'pretending'; and divorce proceedings started. This was our journey and it sounds like you're on a similar bumpy path. With regards to sex, it sounds like he's suffering a "chaser effect" of trying to prove to himself he's still straight by seducing you. Given your brief description, it sounds like it's ultimately hurting you which isn't what you want. Well what's done is done but I'd suggest you set boundaries and a timeline as soon as possible. Determine what YOU want first and then act accordingly. Others on this site have tried mixed-orientation-marriages (or 'MOMs') although open relationships have mixed results from what I understand. If you continue to have sex for a time, prudence demands that you do so with condoms to ensure you don't catch anything as he's very likely having sex outside of your marriage.  

4) Financially...where to begin? Any tips? Credit cards, student loans, separating phone bills...ugh.

One thing that helped me accept, "We're divorcing" was opening up separate bank accounts. When my (then) wife insisted she needed the password to access the account, I firmly said 'no' because it was necessary. It was very hard for me to take that first step to accept my relationship was ending. But getting over that first hump led to separate mail boxes, apartments, and (finally) lives. So I'd write down five baby steps you can take to start decoupling and do one the first week, two the next week, and so on. It's all a process. 

I hope that helps in some way. I wish you and your children the best of luck. This is a difficult situation but you're not alone.