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June 26, 2016 5:01 pm  #11


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

I knew there was something I forgot to respond to.  It was the part that your ex told you it was your fault and he was annoyed by your anxiety the whole time.  Please, please don't fall for that.  It wouldn't matter what it was, he would have found something.  My ex tried to throw that hail Mary pass in the last minute.  I forget what he tried to use, something like if we would have had sex more this wouldn't have happened.  The problem is that he had forgotten I had found the gay porn about 7years before the second discovery.  He forgot that in the beginning there was lots of sex and yet he was still whacking off to men.  I called him out on that and he dropped it like a hot potato.  He was never a narcissist or mean either yet in the end he wanted to blame the end of our marriage on anything except himself.  He still sends texts to this day trying to kid around and be funny and saying things like "you're dumb" with a smiley face, implying that I should have believed him and we could still have this perfect life.  I honestly think he believes that.  When I realized I'd never know the truth I finally let it go.  God, it took so long.  The peace didn't come until I realized that he may not even know his truth and therefore I'd never move on until it didn't matter to me anymore.

Your truth is also that it doesn't matter.  Somewhere deep down you know that - and if you don't then one day it will hit you.  Was it Susan that said it hit her in the car while she was driving and she just started to laugh?? 

I guarantee you that if he were bothered so much by it that at some time in the last 20 years he would have sat you down and asked you to work on it.  His leaving has everything to do with the gay and nothing to do with you.

 

June 26, 2016 6:53 pm  #12


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

Thank you, Still Wondering. My friend who is a counselor (with a PhD) says while he might want to believe this is the reason he left, he's projecting onto me because he can't stand being the bad guy. What an asshole. I would have expected, "I'm sorry, I'm gay, how can I make this as easy as possible for you?" But I think when you can't even admit something for 25 years out loud there's no way you're going to start being straightforward out of the blue. But it's really sad. I deserved so much better. 


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
     Thread Starter
 

June 26, 2016 8:35 pm  #13


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

I think you hit the nail on the head with that last post of yours, Sue.  He can't admit he's gay, so why would he admit it's the reason for the demise of your marriage?  He was brave enough at one point in time to tell you the truth, because it got him what he wanted - freedom to run off and pursue his interest. Then he quickly retreated back into his closet, for whatever reason.  If he needex to retreat back into the closet, then he had two choices: 1) get back together with you, because the reason for the rift was "gone", or 2) make the breakup about something else altogether. That way he could stay free without smiting the truth to anyone - including himself.  So he picked the only thing he could think of - something that he knew you'd believe.  Not only would you belive it, but it'd keep you busy spinning about YOU, vs. focusing on him and what he'd done to you.

It's complete bullshit, Sue.  Even if it WERE the truth, what could you have done about it anyway?  It's not like it was something that you chose, or even ignored.  And if it was something that bothered him and he never said anything about it despite you continually asking, than whose fault is that???

I give you one last thing to think about.  If he lied to you for 20 years about his sexualty, then WHY would he be telling you truth now?!? Everything he says should be suspect now!


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 26, 2016 9:11 pm  #14


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

Daaaamn Kel.  I love that last thought. I know it was for Sue but I can apply that to so many people, issues, things, in life. 

 

June 26, 2016 10:02 pm  #15


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

You're absolutely right. It was just so hard, even though I have ample evidence, to believe someone who seemed to have such integrity, such a gentle soul, could have turned out to be a complete liar. But he is. He never told me he had sex with men before we dated, he lied to me and told me we could move back to my home state before divorcing so I would have family support (he changed his mind when he met his gay love), he lied about money issues, and he lied about loving me. He built a construct of who he wanted to be and once he couldn't live with faking it anymore, that construct came crashing down. And he didn't care if he took me down with it. Then once my presence began to interfere with the life he'd always meant to live, I became the enemy. I overreacted by getting too upset, I wasn't a good:safe mother anymore, and I wasn't even a stable adult, according to him. I got angry and hurt his poor feelings by telling him what a jackass he was being. So he went for the jugular by telling me every day with me was a chore. Well guess what, i started researching and I kept coming across all these narratives where the husband came out as "bi" and then turned on the wife and told her the demise of the marriage was her fault. And that, along with my friend the counselor, really helped me see the bullshit and cowardice. But that's ok. He made a HUGE mistake picking a bitch on wheels like me to do this to. It's one thing to promise before God and 250 guests to love me until death and be lying through your teeth. It's another entirely to finally come clean and then emotionally abuse me on the way out the door. Guess what, dumbass? 17 years defines a long-term marriage in our state, so you should have done this three years ago. Now you owe me 25 to 35% of your giant gross income in child support and alimony. I cannot fucking wait to cash that check each month. And to see you turn your sports car (the one I picked out for you) in because you can't afford it anymore. And so much for Disney Daddy -- you're going to have to learn to spend time with your kids and bf instead of money! YEEHAW, dr douchebag!


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
     Thread Starter
 

June 27, 2016 6:50 am  #16


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

Kel...well written as usual.

Sue, your post sounds much stronger..do I detect a hint of anger... (Kidding ..I think we all have a right to be angry)

My anger;

I'm one of those people that in addition to the abuse will now have to pay my lezex each month.  Its like a kick in the gut .."hey I'm gay and you have to pay me each month now for living my lie..you have to support my new gay lifestyle"  except she said none of that since she is a closeted gay person..rather her words were more like "you did this and you owe..I will hurt you".  Its really like her narcissist self took over. 

Its all about anger rage and hurt with my lezex..she had tried to get alimony until I was in my grave. No sorry or kindness..it's like a cover up to hide the gay.

They say these narcissist also have one last trump card..their will.. when they die they have one last opportunity from the grave to hurt us.

Thing is I'm not an angry person.. i dont yell swear or rage.  I will seek no revenge..I could have done so many mean things to her and her girlfriend..
No..I just want her to go away..and she won't even do that.  For someone that hates me so much it's like she decided after the divorce to stay and torture me..always hurt..never peace even though the war is over.

I hope and pray we all can move on and find peace, safety and solace.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 27, 2016 8:25 am  #17


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

I hope that for you, too, Rob. And in a lot of states alimony goes away if the recipient co-habitates or gets remarried. I don't know if you're paying alimony or just child support. Either way, you're right, it's totally unfair. I feel the same way about him getting to take my kids from me half the time. It's like, oh you raised them every day and did a damned good job of it? Well then let's take them from you for half their child lives and you can go back to work now. 


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
     Thread Starter
 

June 27, 2016 9:15 am  #18


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

Sue - can't you petition the court to move with your kids to your home state?  I would think any judge in his/her right mind would let those kids go with you.  Tell them the whole truth, everything, especially the part that you were told you could go back.  I know some mothers who have asked for that and won.

 

July 29, 2018 12:08 am  #19


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

I swear you just wrote a page out of my own life.  I suffer from depression & anxiety as well.  Oh he was so supportive all of those 25 years!   Fast forward to when he gets caught with TGT and he's DEEP in the closet.  THE SAME STATEMENT ABOUT BEING A CARETAKER!!!!  UGHHH!!  I can't stand it!!  Yes, it's been mostly all my fault as well.  Don't you know how hard it is to live with someone like me??  He just couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stand to see me let myself go downhill like I was. He was desperate!  There was no helping me and life was hell for him!  So very sad to watch someone you love suffer the way I was.  He checked out he says.

Of course this all coincides with his being caught.  Tons of pix, sickening ads and the whole lot.  Like Sean said, "Doesn't every husband run out and fuck men because his wife is depressed?"   LOL.!!  Don't buy it for a second!  I was so empowered when I realized it was all a crock of shit and it had NOTHING to do with me.  So, I got brave and went on a date.   I didn't expect my self-esteem to suddenly come back.  To feel desired again was indescribable!  I was on cloud nine and had fun with it.   I did end up blowing it at the end because I accused him of using me in a not so nice text I sent.  Live and learn, I have trust issues.  In a spell of anxiety I was convinced he didn't like me.  Anyway, I screwed up.  But he had trust issues himself and ran away.  I'm not quitting this new found fun.

I say date as much as you can.  It makes you feel like a new woman.  Like my sister says:  to get over one, get on top of another.  LOL.  I was petrified at first but I made myself do it and I'm glad I did.  That was at the 6 month mark, I'm at 7 now.

So I"m on the hunt again and if I find a good guy I'll ask him if he has a brother and I'll send him your way.  I hadn't been on a date since 1994 either.  It made for good conversation and we had a lot of laughs about being new to the scene.  I'm sorta thinking about ourtime.com  A friend of mind who was single for 25 years met a really nice guy and they just bought a house together.  Nervous????  She hadn't been with a man in all those years.  She did it.  We can too.




 


WTF
 

July 31, 2018 10:28 am  #20


Re: Online dating: for Kel/Still Won (& anyone else who wants to chime in)

< deleted >

Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 15, 2019 2:09 pm)

 

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