Steve wrote:

Hello,
 
My heart goes out to you because I know only too well the shock and disbelief you are feeling right now. It’s HORRIBLE but please know that you are not alone.  There are many people on this forum who have been where you are now... some are still there.  Hopefully you will take some time to read a lot of the posts here.
 
We all have different stories and find ourselves in different circumstances so there is no ‘one size fits all’ strategy for getting support when such a trauma happens... but if it’s ok I would like to list a few common  ways that people find help.
 
Family and friends
Strangely it is often our family and friends who are the hardest to tell when there is something very wrong in our marriage yet they are the very people who should know, possibly already do know, and who can help the most.  MAKE SURE YOU ARE TALKING TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. That doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone but you should definitely tell SOMEONE.  Lean heavily on the people who love you most.  THIS is what families are for.
 
Your doctor
If you feel you aren’t coping emotionally, physically or mentally GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.  If you are suffering sleeplessness, loss of appetite (weight loss) or any other physical symptoms OR you feel that you might be suffering depression your doctor can help you. 
 
If you are depressed and feel like you could use the help a doctor can prescribe anti-depressants.    Using anti-depressants is NOT a sign of weakness.  Many people who frequent this forum (including myself) have used them in the past and benefited from them.  Given the right prescription and dose they do not make you a ‘zombie’ as some people fear and for all intents and purposes you will function normally.
 
Your doctor can also refer you to a counsellor, therapist or psychologist if you need psychological support... and most of us in this situation do.
 
Counselling / Therapy
Therapy or counselling is pretty much considered a ‘must have’ around here because a properly trained counsellor or therapist can help you understand your feelings, order your thoughts and plan a way forward.
 
Support Groups
This forum is an ‘on-line’ support group but in some places you may be able to find a ‘real life’ support group.  Not that we are not ‘real’ but you know what I mean.
 
The Straight Spouse Network does have groups that meet I believe (see the links on the Straight Spouse Network Home Page) otherwise you might be able to find other groups who offer support to people going through separation or divorce.
 
Attorneys / Lawyers / Solicitors (Legal advice)
After the heartbreak the next greatest source of anxiety many of us experience is often fear about our legal position / situation. Legal advice is vital for at least two reasons.  It makes you aware of your rights AND helps prevent you from doing something stupid. GET LEGAL ADVICE as soon as you can ESPECIALLY if you have children and particularly before either you or your spouse leave the family home. 
 
Now... all of that sounds like a lot to do at a moment when all you will feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying... none of it has to happen TODAY but make sure you know that the people above are there to help you and you are NOT alone.  Take one day at a time but GET HELP from as many places as you can.  Don't try to do this alone.

Please keep posting.  We are here for you.
 
Steve. 
 

This is perfect!!!!    Can we make this post a sticky as a welcome thread?
Then we can add a few links to resources like the SSN local groups and helpline and maybe that guide to dealing with infidelity that Laurence posted?

I think that would accomplish exactly what I was hoping. 

I think this idea is wonderful (thank you lostdad), and the opening statement is great (thank you Steve).  I would just like to throw in my two cents, though, and refer to the line about counselling being a "must have" for everyone here.  There are those who have not found counselling helpful and who have actually found it to be a negative, depending on individual circumstances.  I think it might be better to say that some have found counselling helpful, but that there are some who have had both neutral, "meh", and negative experiences with it.  Given both the practical and emotional time and cost involved, it should not just be a given.  I think counselling should be mentioned as one possible option in a well stocked and multifaceted tool box.

Thanks Sam. Thanks everyone. I'm glad you like it.

I'm happy for it to be the bones of a sticky post. Feel free to 'tweek' it if necessary Sam taking out the 'Steve' and my tendency to CAPITALIZE certain words. It was always just general advice from my experience on the forum and Sam you've been here a LOT longer than me.

I know some people have issue with some of the advice in there. Yes... Occasionally people have bad experiences with counsellors.... others have religious convictions against anti-depressants...  but the post is really a brief 'catch all'. Need help? Try here, here and here.  It needs to be brief and the specifics of someone's situation can (hopefully) be dealt with in follow up posts.

PS Sam... You'll need to take out the personal references like the 'including myself' in the section about anti-depressants.

PPS Good idea for a sticky for newbies Lostdad.

Last edited by Steve (September 24, 2016 3:08 pm)

Loved this post! It's spot on.

Daryl wrote:

I agree - everything should be termed as options, not inevitable. If you choose "X" please keep in mind "Y" or here are links to our experiences. We are not professionals, all we know is our experiences and any wisdom acquired from it. In the local face-to-face group I've attended there is a rule besides respect, kindness and generalized homophobia - we don't tell people what to do.

From what I've seen, when people first come here they need to know they are not alone and life isn't over, it's just changing in a dramatic way. It's more like bereavement and grief counseling.
 

I've been brewing on this idea for more than a year..    This is a summary of what I've learned from our group..  a collection of the most common and most helpful advice given to new members to help them through the trauma phase. 

Please help me improve this.   I'm looking for feedback.  What should I add, what should I delete, where does my grasp of the English language and grammar and punctuation fail me?   How can we make this better.   

Group effort please!


Str8 Spouse Network Forum:  First Aid Kit for surviving post disclosure trauma
 
So; you believe your spouse is LGBTQ, and the world seems to be crashing down around you.  You are most likely experiencing severe mental anguish with feelings of confusion, sadness, betrayal and fear.  At the moment you are probably wondering how you will ever survive the changes in life this will bring. We can help!
Welcome to the straight spouse network forum – A place where we understand exactly how you feel because we’ve been through it.   While none of us are professionals, we have earned our stripes by walking through the fire ourselves and we are now uniquely qualified to share our wisdom, advice, love and compassion.   We are so sorry you find yourself here, but we are glad you are here and hope we can help you through this.  It does get better – we promise.

The following work is the collective effort of the SSN forum.  It is a compilation of the best and most frequently offered advice and encouragement to help you survive the initial and most difficult stages of this journey you find yourself forced into taking.  It is NOT meant to stop you from posting and sharing your story and asking for help and advice.  We strongly encourage you to sign up with an anonymous account on the forum and share your story and your struggles and ask for help and engage in conversation.  This is meant as a resource guide for everyone – including the thousands of people who will choose not to sign up.  We want to help them as well.
 
The First Aid Kit:  Advice on how to survive finding out your spouse is LGBT
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[*]Get Help
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[*]Visit your Doctor – You are likely under immense emotional stress right now and this trauma manifests itself in very real physical ways.  Lack of sleep, little to no appetite, high stress, anxiety, depression and many other symptoms are very dangerous to your short and long-term health.  Navigating this process is hard enough, so please seek help in reducing or eliminating these additional problems.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is instead a sign of strength.  Don’t try to be a hero and go through this alone.  Additionally, and equally important, please get tested for STD’s.  Sadly we find that a high percentage of our LGBT partners have cheated on us, so please be safe and get checked to be sure.
[*]Find a therapist or councilor.   Just like the doctor will help you with your physical pain, a therapist will help you with your emotional pain.  You will face a number of emotions that you will need help in understanding and dealing with.  Betrayal, fear, anger, sadness, shock, lack of trust are just a few of the simple concepts you will need to process and there are many more complex issues to get through in your healing process.  Please don’t think that seeking emotional therapy is a sign of weakness.  Knowing you need help and seeking it is true strength.
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[*]Get Support
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[*]Build a support network of a few close friends or family members.  Today is your rainy day!  You’ve been cultivating relationships with family and friends for many years.  Now is the time to ask for help from those people.  There is nothing like having a shoulder to cry on, help with difficult tasks, coffee with a friend, and someone to talk to.  Way too many of us suffer in silence thinking that we can’t share what is going on.  We think we must protect our spouse’s secret.  By doing so, we lock ourselves in their closet with them and we suffer so much more than necessary.  We never want to “out” our spouse in a malicious way, but you absolutely have the right to tell your story to those close to you so that you can seek help and support in this horrific time of need. 
[*]Find people with similar experience.  You’ve already started this process by being here on the Straight Spouse Network.  Please feel free to use this forum to share your feelings and frustrations, share your story, ask for help and advice.  We are here for you!   Also, please look into joining one of our face-to-face meeting groups.  The SSN has groups in most major cities that meet on a regular basis.  http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/
[*]While the SSN is not a religious organization, we strongly encourage those of you who consider yourselves to be religious to seek out help from those people or organizations to help you navigate these hard times. 
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[*]Self-care
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[*]Be kind to yourself.  If you sustain physical injury or have surgery you give yourself time to heal your body.  You are now going through emotional injury and you need to give yourself the chance to heal both your mind and your body.  Your whole world is shaking right now, the future you had envisioned has been wiped away and even your past has been called into question.  It’s ok to stay in bed and cry.  It’s ok to take a few weeks off work (vacation or short/long term disability) to get through this initial trauma.  It’s ok to back away from extra-curricular activities or events.  Don’t let anyone else dictate what you do or accomplish in this time.
[*]Put aside stressful decisions and situations until you are better prepared to deal with them.  There are many challenging decisions to be made in the future, such as how to make the marriage work or get a divorce, how to deal with financial issues and legal issues and child custody and how to tell you children, etc...  Most of these decisions and problems are impossible to solve today so stop trying.  Put aside those fears and worried and the stress of figuring things out and just focus on getting through the day.  These decisions will be easier to make later when things are clear and you are stronger so give yourself time to get through the initial trauma and put off the hard decisions until you are stronger and better able to make those choices.   
[*]Don’t blame yourself or feel ashamed or guilty.  So many of us beat ourselves up and struggle with issues of self-blame and guilt.  It makes our recovery and healing so much harder.  This is not your fault!   You may recognize signs and clues that you think you should have seen, but you didn’t.  You couldn’t at the time.  You weren’t even looking for them.  We are not programed to investigate our partner’s sexual orientation prior to getting married.  When you are in love you assume the best of your partner, you trust your partner, you put them in priority and expect the same in return.  Your partner has most likely known since childhood that they had a same sex attraction and they have become a professional at hiding that secret.  They literally form their life around a fake persona.  You never had a chance to uncover such an important secret that you didn’t know you were supposed to be looking for.   Do not feel guilty or blame yourself.  Too many straight spouses suffer alone because they are too ashamed or think other people will judge them for not knowing.  Don’t hurt yourself and make your recovery harder by beating yourself up and suffering in silence.
[*]Assert yourself.  You have a voice and you get to make decisions for what happens in your life and in your home.  Set boundaries for what you are not comfortable with and don’t be pushed around.  By keeping their sexuality a secret, your partner has made themselves the priority in their lives while you have been loving them and making them a priority as well.  Someone has to make you the priority so it’s time you do that. 
[*]Stop having intimacy with your spouse.  Since so many spouses have cheated on us you should stop having sex with them to protect from diseases.   Additionally, you need to protect yourself from “trauma bonding”.  Do not seek comfort and solace from the person causing you pain.  This makes your recovery much more difficult.
[*]Recognize that the recovery process is like a roller coaster.  Human emotions are fluid and change frequently.  As such, the levels of pain and grief change daily or even hourly.  You will have many “ups” and “downs” as you progress through this journey.  In the beginning the “downs” are long and severe, but over time they get shorter and less deep.  The ups get higher and last longer.  Over time the ride becomes smoother with fewer downs.  You will relapse and be triggered from time to time but they become easier to deal with and last a shorter time. 
[*]Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions.  They are real and valid and it’s unhealthy to bottle them up and suppress them.  Let out those tears, scream at the top of your lungs, punch something (soft), and hug whoever will hug you back.
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Last edited by phoenix (June 7, 2018 12:33 pm)