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September 15, 2016 9:45 am  #1


Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

Hello here is my story maybe you can relate to it:

8 month ago a week after my 50th birthday my "husband" told me he will transition in to women. Bummer I did not see that coming, I may have thought he is gay or I did something but this one was a good one. The first day I cried my eyes out and did not know what the heck just hit me. After that I had a hard time functioning, sleeping but I went to work every day did the best I could, did not show what is going on with me. Then I opened up to a college and she said see a counselor which our company provides for free. Which was nice. So I made an appointment and ask my husband to join me for the first session. I needed to know if that was all a joke or if that is real what just happening to me. Well we went and he opened up what’s going on and for how long. Seems like he has seen already a counselor prior to talking to me and this is been going on since he was a child. Well the counselor told me not to rush in any decision and to find myself first. 5 month later I decided to move in a different area of our house we own together and see what happens and life as roommates for now till I have mate my mind up after 20 years been together and married what I wanted to do. My kids are in their 30th and did not understand what’s happening here and still having a hard time with it. Now 8 month later after experiencing the selfishness and moodiness of a transgender who only cares about him/her but not the spouse he/she married I decided to move on. I have been supportive and motivating towards him/her so she/he can be happy for over 8 month with nothing in return. No compassion or support for me to deal with the situation. He is a very angry and moody person everything and that was always the situation has to be about him/her satisfaction and happiness, the rest of the family including me can suffer and be unhappy the more happier he/she is when that happens. Which ended up in a situation that it is only all about him/her nobody else is important…One evening we said down at dinner and I said “do you know what I hate most on this situation” he/she “no”. “I hate that you took 20 years of my life knowingly that there is something wrong with you. Instead of saying I cannot be in a relationship till I figured myself out. You pushed me in that marriage. You where the driving par not me. I could have gone with my life in a different direction.” I did not want to get married. He/she talked me in to it. Well and I was so inexperienced and married him/her. Well couple weeks ago he/she pushed me over the limit with buying 10 bras not even knowing how big his/her breast are gone be. When he/she did a fashion show in front of me I had enough and was so disgusted. I had to do something. Well I moved out a couple days ago and today I am filing my divorce paper. I am free finally. I made my decision. I got to the point I can move on now too. Lucky me I have a new men in my life who seen on hand what I have experienced over the last 8 month and who is very supportive. I have my kids and grand kids which are wonderful and my company which is supporting me as well morally. I am gone enjoy the rest of my life now. And yes there will be here and there some hardship during the divorce. But that will subside as well at some point. He stole 20 years of my life, which I never gone get back but I will be dammed if he takes the rest of my life do. Last week they announced his/her new name at his company he will go by now. Legally his/her name has not changed yet. Funny is tomorrow is his/her birthday, he is on a trip coming back in a week when he found out I am gone. So he will experience what he/she did to me 8 month ago a week after my birthday. Maybe when he suffers as I did that moment knowing I am gone he will realize how much he/she hurt people when he is hurting. Or may not. Bottom line he/she will be all alone with no support from anybody and has to fight her fight to be a women and happy by her self now. Unfortunately on top of this she is not that pretty as a female and very inexperienced what it is to be a women. She only likes to dress up and the make up and thinks that all what it is to be a women.  Well on the end she is gone be an old sad and lonely women. But she has chosen that life.  Now  she better is living it with all the consequences which come with it. They may some hardship for me down the road financially during the divorce but it is what it is. Just take it one day at the time. And I am gone be just fine.
 

 

September 15, 2016 10:10 am  #2


Re: Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

Hi craftute,

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you found us.  You're in the right place for support on your journey.

You sound like you've got a handle on this!  It's not uncommon for the person coming out (whether that be gay or trans) to experience a teenager-like frenzy of self-interest and self-centeredness which is so off-putting.  Then they take us on a wild ride where only they steer, but act like they have no connection to the wheel.  They don't use turn signals and feign ignorance on where the vehicle is headed.  We are denied a seat belt, and yet expected to cheer them on as we cling for dear life to our seat.  And no matter what, it's never a pleasant destination that we're taken to.  We are told we're selfish if we ask for clarification on where we're going or ask for a bathroom break.  We are fed the lie that it's our role to support THEM - all the while being tricked into thinking the same will be afforded to us.  Only that day never comes.  I never understand why they even want us along for the ride; you'd think all that yelling from our seat would be distracting.  When the ride is all over they'll get out of the car for their adventure, an event that you don't have a ticket to.  You're expected to wait in the car for their return.  They are incredulous when they return to an empty car.  And yet they have no reason to be.  If they feared us leaving so much, they should have known they needed to treat us better.  But the cold truth is that we are inconsequential - they speak as though we aren't, but their actions betray them.

You've done the right thing.  I love that you moved out when you didn't need to rush and grab only what you could in 2 hours' time.  More power to you.  My only advice would be to limit your interaction with him to what's absolutely necessary from now on.  Be done with that craziness.  Let him find a new girlfriend for bra modeling.  You were HIS wife - he should know that's what you bought into, and it's what you remained wanting.  You didn't want a girlfriend out of the situation.  Let him go find one himself on his journey.

Best to you -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 15, 2016 10:19 am  #3


Re: Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

Thanks for your words Kel they are very refreshing. It took me a while, but I am in a better place now and moving on. For some reason he made me feeling like a cheater when I wanted my own life since he got his wishes to be a women. Not sure what thats all about. And yes they need us for the ride for support and financial back up but they do not want to give support to you. I agree on this. Ute

     Thread Starter
 

September 15, 2016 11:12 am  #4


Re: Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

The problem that anyone trying to work things out with a transgender person (someone experiencing dysphoria), is that any pressing that you might do will tend to drive them further towards their new identity. I'd say you made the right move, you gave it time and space, then made the decision to move on. You did it on your terms, good for you!

 

September 15, 2016 11:18 am  #5


Re: Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

Thank you I think I did it in a decent and respect full way even if he/she did not the same for me. But I needed to do it that way so I can life with self. And it does not matter if he/she deserved it based on her/his behavior toward his family and me a spouse. But it is what it is. Winging and breaking my head over it does not help a bit. And I was blessed to met a wonderful men who is supporting me all the way on my way to be a single again. 

     Thread Starter
 

September 15, 2016 11:22 am  #6


Re: Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

Ute,

You can decide that you want to call your soon-to-be-ex spouse a he, and refer to him as your husband.  The courts would certainly do so.  He can decide that he's now a she, but you can and should call him by what you're comfortable referring to him as.  He doesn't get to hijack your vernacular just because he changed streams half-way through the ride.

It's truly amazing how much they feel entitled to our support, but don't feel any obligation to give us anything but lip service.  Fuck THAT.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 15, 2016 11:30 am  #7


Re: Wife of a transgender MTF dealing with divorce and the aftermath

You right I tried to call him by his new name Sara Beth. But it did not stick with me it sounded unnaturally to me. Cant say it. Lol On top of it she acts now superwomen and has to lecture all other women about make up and clothing and hair just because she sees on TV in the shows the products which getting sold lol and models showing them. She is a ugly hugh TX women and never will be a supermodel or be a real women and experiencing to be a mother or grand mother. Because of her selfish and disrespectfully behavior towards everyone family, friends, kids and coworker. She is gone end alone up in a sorry place. All the support we have giving her as friends will be gone. But well she picket that life without regards to anyone elses life she ruined on the way to it. And she did not appreciate the support and been respectfull towards us as family. Now she can deal with it and the consequences as I had. But he only wants the good part of the deal. LOL

Last edited by craftute (September 15, 2016 11:34 am)

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