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June 17, 2019 8:10 pm  #1


Feeling Lost

Hi everyone. I hope I'm welcome here even though I'm not married, and I'm sorry in advance for the long post. My heart breaks for those of you who have been married for many years and those who have children - I cannot imagine how much worse the pain you are going through must be.

Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend of ~4 years is bisexual and probably leaning more towards gay. He is 28 years old and I am 27. We are currently doing long distance and I have been planning on moving in together. We had planned to speak on the phone to book our move to our a new apartment together. When I got on the phone he was crying and I immediately knew something was wrong. I was in absolute shock and feel like I blacked out during the conversation. He told me that he had been having these feelings since puberty.

My first question was whether he is still attracted to women and to me and he said yes. He has not cheated and there is not another man in his life. In fact, he says he has never had romantic feelings towards an actual man before. He says he has been repressing these feelings for a long time and hasn't allowed those feelings to develop. He's had relationships with women before and claims that he was never "faking" anything about our relationship but was hiding this. He said he wants to end the romantic part of our relationship and explore this side of himself. He said that once he comes to terms with this part of himself and leaves me he has a feeling the romantic feeling towards men will come. I put my feelings on hold and was supportive of him while he came out to his parents yesterday. I've been feeling mad at him for his betrayal, mad at society for creating this behavior pattern, worried for him, and disappointed in his shame and cowardice. I have always been very LGBTQ-friendly and have had same-sex feelings and experiences before, although predominantly identify as straight. However I have not been ashamed to use the title bisexual as well. As soon as he came out to his parents and confirmed that they are supportive of him I sank into a deep depression and have been feeling very suicidal. I have barely eaten and only slept a few hour-long increments over the past three days. My life feels like a living nightmare.

Since this has happened we have had hours of talks and I am trying to figure out how to move forward. I don't feel ready to lose him and have suggested continuing our relationship but allowing him to explore this side of himself. However, he and I both have a feeling that ultimately he will want to end up with a man. I am also terrified that I will never be able to trust him again. A big part of me thinks that a clean break will be best, but I am very tempted to explore a transitionary open relationship to support each other while we move on from each other. I'm terrified of losing more time than I already have but I'm also terrified of throwing away something that might eventually work. He says he still loves me but I feel very confused about what kind of love this is and I think he is as well. He's had more time to move on from our romantic relationship than I have before dropping this bomb and it feels like we're in different places. I have multiple therapy appointments set up over the next few weeks to explore different therapists who specialize in LGBTQ issues and couples. I want to go for myself and we are also considering some couples counciling to figure out how to move forward. I'm so terrified and lost. My thoughts and emotions are constantly in flux. I know this is still very fresh but I am absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. I have had previous trust issues in relationships and this was the first time I had ever felt truly secure. I fear that I will never be able to trust another person again.

Any thoughts, advice, or messages of support would be extremely appreciated at this time. Thank you so much in advance to this community.

Last edited by sjloo (June 17, 2019 9:34 pm)

 

June 17, 2019 9:55 pm  #2


Re: Feeling Lost

Hi sjloo, and welcome.

I understand the shock and sense of betrayal - he has hidden a vital piece of his identity from you.

I understand your feelings of living in a nightmare.  I feel very sympathetic having experienced the same feelings.

Straight is straight, it's all very black and white - we're attracted to the opposite sex and there is nothing taking us in the other direction - but if you are same sex attracted then that other basic urge, to have children come of the bonding, is at odds with that.

I can appreciate you love your boyfriend and I can appreciate that you can consider it a real possibility that you can make a long term couple but I think from what he is saying to you that it might be one of those times when you have to let go and if he wants to he can come back to you.  It sounds like he has experienced romantic feelings towards a man, doesn't it?

look after yourself, wishing you all the best, Lily

 

 

June 18, 2019 12:33 am  #3


Re: Feeling Lost

I am not married either, so you are not alone there. Try and do what you can to avoid acting on any suicidal feelings by setting up support of friends and family separate from your boyfriend and any shared groups you may have. You need at least a few people who are supportive of your feelings over his and who are primarily concerned for your happiness because you probably care more about him than yourself right now. Follow through on the therapy too.

Lily is right, though, I think as far as being straight. I know it's a thing to be able to define your orientation in the LGBTQ community but when I hear primarily straight it brings to mind people who are primarily vegetarian except for the steak, fish, or chicken. I think it's more honest to say that you are bisexual but that you date mostly men. How you define things actually matters quite a bit and people have a right to know who they are getting involved with as you are learning through this experience with your boyfriend. It's not fair to fudge the facts because you want to control an outcome. That probably seems harsh but I think it matters and would be to your benefit in deciding your own approach to this issue in future relationships.

It sounds to me as if he did act on his feelings or he has someone specific he wants to act on those feelings with. Either way it does not sound like you have anything to work with where your own relationship with him is concerned. He is wanting to pursue other people. He has outright said so. He seems to want you to act as a crutch or flotation device until he is comfortable in this new identity/life. Do you really want that role? Or do you want someone who actually wants you more than anyone else? Do you really want an open relationship? Or are you just trying to keep him by saying you are okay with it when you aren't? These are some questions you will want to ask yourself. I'm sure there will be more.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's a terrible shock. I learned the truth earlier than most but I still have questions like these and struggle with caring for someone who can't return my feelings. I decided I couldn't live with that. You will have to make your own decisions. Be gentle with yourself. Gather your support. It's not worth hurting yourself but it's tempting to do so when you are that sad. I know. Best wishes.

 

June 18, 2019 12:08 pm  #4


Re: Feeling Lost

Sjloo: I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Breakups are always hard, and sometimes there's just nothing that "fixes" the pain.  

I'd be lying if I said my first impulse, on reading your story, wasn't "consider yourself lucky, you dodged a bullet here."  I'd be lying if I said my reaction wasn't "at least he tried to come clean with you before too much damage was done."  I hate this impulse I have, because it comes off sounding like we're in some kind of "Who-was-most-victimized" competition.

I think that if he's a decent human being, he's feeling guilty for what he's put you through so far, and he's trying to end the relationship gently and with minimal pain to you. 

 

June 18, 2019 8:19 pm  #5


Re: Feeling Lost

Probably the most important things you can initially do is breath, sleep and eat and maybe a little moderate exercise. Individual counseling is a good idea. So is a trusted friend.

When you mentioned he hasn't cheated or developed feelings for men, part of me kept thinking the word "yet". That is perhaps the big unknown here but it sounds like he already admits it is possible.

What do you want? Without using names and faces, try writing down what your goals are and what you value. Then compare that to what's on offer at the moment. Do you want to be someone's something or their everything? There's lots to think about and it will seem overwhelming at first but, over time, you can chip away at it, piece by piece.

Long term, nothing says you can't remain friends or help support him but it's a two-way street. You should not sacrifice yourself while he figures himself out. You are deserving of clarity and honesty.

Don't panic, you may feel the clock is ticking away on you but, at 27, there's lots of living left to do.

Please take good care of yourself.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

June 19, 2019 4:27 am  #6


Re: Feeling Lost

Whirligig wrote:

It sounds to me as if he did act on his feelings or he has someone specific he wants to act on those feelings with. Either way it does not sound like you have anything to work with where your own relationship with him is concerned. He is wanting to pursue other people. He has outright said so. He seems to want you to act as a crutch or flotation device until he is comfortable in this new identity/life. Do you really want that role? Or do you want someone who actually wants you more than anyone else? Do you really want an open relationship? Or are you just trying to keep him by saying you are okay with it when you aren't? These are some questions you will want to ask yourself. I'm sure there will be more.

Thank you so much for writing this out - it's  actually been really instrumental in framing the way I've been thinking over the past 24 hours. An open relationship certainly isn't a deal-breaker. His interest in men isn't a deal-breaker. But I deserve respect, honesty, and someone who is committed enough to the relationship to communicate their wants and needs without fleeing. If he had approached this subject in a way that made me feel like our romantic relationship was worth fighting for but that he wanted to explore this side of himself this would be a very different story. Healthy relationships require a team effort and he clearly has no team mentality in this. I still think couples counselling might be worth it because I'd like to get a professional's perspective on the situation as well, but ultimately I know that I deserve someone who wants to be with me more than anyone else.

     Thread Starter
 

June 19, 2019 5:23 am  #7


Re: Feeling Lost

Daryl wrote:

Probably the most important things you can initially do is breath, sleep and eat and maybe a little moderate exercise. Individual counseling is a good idea. So is a trusted friend.

When you mentioned he hasn't cheated or developed feelings for men, part of me kept thinking the word "yet". That is perhaps the big unknown here but it sounds like he already admits it is possible.

What do you want? Without using names and faces, try writing down what your goals are and what you value. Then compare that to what's on offer at the moment. Do you want to be someone's something or their everything? There's lots to think about and it will seem overwhelming at first but, over time, you can chip away at it, piece by piece.

Long term, nothing says you can't remain friends or help support him but it's a two-way street. You should not sacrifice yourself while he figures himself out. You are deserving of clarity and honesty.

Don't panic, you may feel the clock is ticking away on you but, at 27, there's lots of living left to do.

Please take good care of yourself.

I've come back to this comment over and over, thank you. You are absolutely right that I should not have to sacrifice my relationship goals while he figures himself out. I need to do a lot of thinking about what kind of relationship I need. I truly do think that I could be happy in an open relationship that involves sex with others. But I know that I can't be happy in an open relationship where I live in constant fear that ultimately my partner will leave me because I'm not a man. I cannot be in a relationship with a partner who doesn't know what he wants.

     Thread Starter
 

June 19, 2019 8:19 am  #8


Re: Feeling Lost

Sjloo,
   Warning: what follows is a dash of very cold water.
   There was a book out a few years ago, written for women in heterosexual relationships, titled, "He's Just Not that into You."   That's what I thought when I read your initial post, and I think it's applicable.  He has sent you a crystal clear signal of that.  Because although YOU may have been planning on moving in together ("I have been planning on moving in together"), he has told you that he "wants to end the romantic part of our relationship."  He's known since he was young that he's been attracted to men, has come out to his parents, and is sure that once he is free to date that he will develop romantic feelings toward a man.  Bottom line: He's just not that into you.
    Instead of hearing this for what it is, an attempt at an easy let-down on his part, you were ignoring what he said and what you don't want to hear--he wants to end your romantic relationship--and engaging in some A-level bargaining and rationalizing, going back over his early sexual liaisons, styling yourself a hip bisexual yourself who would be fine in an open relationship, despite telling us that what he said was such a shock that you "blacked out during the conversation."  This is nothing to upbraid yourself for, by the way, because it's typical of what we do when we find ourselves in shock from either disclosure or discovery.  
    It's good that you are already moving toward acceptance.  You absolutely do deserve a man who is into you, and in whose love you can feel secure.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 19, 2019 8:20 am)

 

June 19, 2019 3:03 pm  #9


Re: Feeling Lost

27 years old is the age at which a woman's biological clock gets a loud tick to it - Time To Get A Move On And Have Babies, it says.

I believe Sjloo when she says she is bisexual and I think she is able to say both - to the effect of I don't mind if you sleep around and I want a monogamous relationship - because of it.

 

 

June 19, 2019 4:31 pm  #10


Re: Feeling Lost

I didn't mean to invalidate Sjloo's claim she is bisexual, and apologize that what I wrote made it seem that way.  What I was trying to do was to call attention to the way her post made me feel that she was still thinking of them as a couple in the face of her boyfriend's telling her he wanted to call off their romance.  Maybe he was weasling by giving the impression that they could still move in together as roommates.  Maybe she was asking him questions to gauge the possibility of his deciding down the road that he'd like to resume that relationship.  But it seemed to me that she was bargaining: okay, he may be bisexual or on the road to gaytown, but I can accept that!  I'm ok with an open marriage, maybe for both of us.  
   What I do think is right is sjloo's decision that honesty is required, whether in a monogamous or open relationship and that living in a contingent situation with a partner, not knowing whether your partner will opt for you or someone else, is an untenable way to live.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 19, 2019 6:33 pm)

 

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