I know exactly what you mean about things that trigger the trauma all over again.

One of the things that terrified me, when I made my discovery, was when I asked my husband what his endgame was -- did he think he could actually keep this secret forever? -- he responded that he assumed it would come out after he was dead.  I was so incredibly shocked at the narcissism of that response.  Then about a year after that conversation, a very popular and well-liked local newscaster died in the course of a really sick kinky sexual experience with a male prostitute (who he'd apparently been using in the past).  The guy had a wife and a 9-year-old daughter.  I couldn't handle it when people would talk about this, or for example when all his co-workers were paying tribute to him, I totally get you don't want to speak ill of the dead, but I was about to fling a shoe through the TV screen watching it.  They played a video clip of the day he'd brought his daughter to work on "Take our daughters to work day" or something, and at the time she was just a toddler.  It killed me.  All they were saying was "I hope that little girl knows how much her Daddy loved her" and I was screaming "NO HE DIDN"T!  He went out whoring instead of putting his wife and daughter first!  He was using her as a stage prop so he could have his secret double life!"

It really threw me into a tailspin for weeks, because everybody was eulogizing the guy and I was thinking "What message is this sending to all the others who are out there taking the exact same risk?"  And the fantasy that he had this perfect home life with one tiny little secret on the side ... I've lived it, and I know for a fact it's no way to live.  So yeah, I see triggers all the time.

Yes the triggers are what’s getting to me a lot lately. I never thought it was possible to feel or have a vivid flash back to were you were ones at. That’s something you only see in movies, but for the past couple of weeks that’s all I experience. It’s like the other day, I finally saw a picture of my ex husband with his now boyfriend hugging being affection with each other. As I saw that picture it literally felt like if I went back to the old house when we were married, and I was finding this in his phone like I always used to find his  dirty infidelities when we were married. It was so weird, the scene was playing but like if I was actually there. Re-living everything has  taken me backwards and I ask the same questions I asked when my ex ask for the divorce. How can he do this to me, after being with this man for 10 years? Who has the heart to do this to another human being? And the one that gets to me the most. He did all this and ended everything and put me through so much pain, and now he’s out in the open having a good relationship with his boyfriend like nothing. When I’m here still struggling to cope with everything that he put me through.

Being married to him was the worst. He used to used this website called adam2adam, a gay website for hook ups. Finding that for the first time was so hard, seeing his profile and pictures he had in there. Messages from men back and forth , vary explicit messages. Honestly thinking back I don’t know how I was able to stay with him for 4 years with those problems. I know that it’s hard to let go when your in love with with that person you married. Let alone when anytime you found something he would promise you it wasn’t a problem, even taken marriage counseling because he claimed he didn’t want a divorce. Going through that now I know that he wasn’t doing that because he actually wanted to work on our marriage and not brake our family. He was doing that because he couldn’t admit to himself that he was gay. So selfish of him to string me along and make me believe something just because he was afraid of coming out of the closet to his family and friends. When he finally ask for the divorce, we were still leaving in the same house. We set everything in motion to get a divorce and sell the house. Literally from one day to another, I was living with my husband and sleeping in separate rooms while he started a relationship with a man. That was really hard, seeing you husband having a relationship with a boyfriend. Staying in that marriage and going through all that was so painful. It has been 3 years since the divorce but I’m still trying to cope with everything. Specially now that everything is coming back because I hear my son talking about his dads friend. Aka partner

Last edited by Triggers123 (June 17, 2019 2:45 pm)

Rob

Yes it was by accident, He had shared an album in google pictures years ago. I got a notification in my google pictures to remember that day, and it it showed me the album, but In that album it showed the picture he has with his google account and it was a picture of him and his boyfriend. When I saw it I seriously got the urge to vomit. Since we separated I’ve made it a point to never see or ask anything about him specially about his personal life with the boyfriend. Going through the separation was so painful specially because he all ready had a boyfriend and he started coming out little by little and posting his new life In social media, this is why I deleted all social media from my life till this day. I think I never dealt with that that’s why I’m having trouble now, I read some of the things that people post here and I wish I would of found this years ago. Going through everything while being married to him and even after the separation , you feel so alone. Like if no one can understand you, I’m astonished and sad how many woman and man are going through this or have been thought this.

Last edited by Triggers123 (June 17, 2019 9:46 pm)

CannotEven

Hello, I’ve been reading your post and they hit home a lot.  First I’m sorry that your going through this, I’ve been there and the feeling of sadness,loneliness, confusion, betrayal and many more are the worst thing anyone can go through.  I want to share with you a little bit of my story, I was with my ex 10 years all together and 4 of those years were married. Six of those years we were boyfriend and girlfriend and never lived together. When we finally got married 6 years later his secret came out there was no way of hiding that when we were actually living together married. The 4 years was hell, he had hook up apps, men messaging he’s actually phone, infidelity ext.  Any time I found something , him watching gay porn, or another message he would cry and promise he wasn’t gay. He came up with stories to make me feel compassion, he wanted to be with me because he loved me and didn’t want us to separate. In the 4 years we were married, we had a son, we bought a home , vehicles. In the outside we were a happy family , and in the inside I was alone, depressed having to deal with my husband cheating on me with men. My husband never touched me, the only times he touched me is when I would cry to him about it. There was one time he didn’t touch me for 3 months. My ex claimed he wanted his family, that he loved us , we were his world. We went to marriage counseling , he did his own counseling as well.  I was scared to let go, brake our family. Scared of the unknown, and bills and being a single mom. Until one day that I found another message from a men, my husband got mad at me it was the biggest fight . He literally look me in the eyes and said I’m gay, I want a divorce will sell the house because I want to live my life all ready. One day to another he put the house for sell, we were leaving together but in separate rooms while he started a relationship with a man. He would talk to his new boyfriend In the house, fight with me because he wanted to go out and about with his boyfriend. I made decisions to get out of the house, because I was dying mentally and emotionally Witnessing that.  Thinking back now, deciding  to stay with him and getting more deep with buying the home the cars made it harder going through the divorce.  Staying with him 4 years damage me a lot even though it’s been 3 years since the divorce I still have   Difficulties  With everything that happen in those 4 years.  I stayed those 4 years for our son our family, dealing with pain every time he did something new, all it took for my ex to just realize that he was ready to come out of the closet to destroyed everything I was trying to hold on to. He discarded me and right now he’s completely out with friends and family having a relationship with a man, like if nothing ever happen. Stay strong and think of your self because staying In this type of situation can take a toll and can be vary damaging. Even though I still get my triggers and I’m working on the trauma, I can say that I’m in a way better place.

Last edited by Triggers123 (June 18, 2019 3:48 pm)