OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Blue Bear
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How did you make it through...and even find love again?
Three months ago, I discovered that my wife of 15 years has been in a sexual relationship with another woman. It's been the worst three months of my life. I have been grappling with a variety of emotions, thoughts and options. Having three kids makes this very, very difficult.
The idea of moving on past my wife and entering a new phase of my life is absolutely terrifying. I'm 45 years old, and my first priority is my wonderful children. But at some point, after all of the dust settles, I'd love to give my heart to someone and fall in love again. The betrayal of an affair is bad enough, but a betrayal of sexual orientation just screws things up that much more. (And yes, I know I'm preaching to the choir.) It seems like an absolute impossibility, and certainly not something I'm even entertaining right now.
But I would love to hear some success stories to help me believe that there is potential light at the end of the tunnel. What are your best tips for getting through this? How did you emerge on the other side? And if you were able to find love again, how the heck did you do it given the absolute pulverization of your ability to trust someone?
Thanks in advance. I'm glad that all of you are here.
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: How did you make it through...and even find love again?
Blue Bear,
Sorry that you are here but we are here to help.
My story is very similar to yours, but my wife didn’t cheat before she came out, but I believe she was close. There is light at the end of the tunnel and love can be found. In getting through this, one step at a time. Check out the first aid kit in the General Discussion. If you decide to divorce, which it sounds like you have, do your homework, before you discuss it with your wife so that you are informed. Shop for a good lawyer, (I switched lawyers in the middle of my divorce and am glad I did.) Consider mediation. Get a sense of how the courts will view your situation and try to stay out of court with mediation if possible. (Search this site on ‘mediation’ - there are varied experiences with it here). Decide what YOU want for you and your children. Be fair to your STBX but don't be generous. You will need those resources later. Be respectful of your STBX but DO NOT feel sorry for her. She chose this road and she’s a grown up too.
On finding love again yes that’s possible..complicated between TGT and children but do able. I would not advise getting involved in a relationship until your settlement is defined and your divorce is nearly final.
On love again, my most important criteria in finding a new partner was that she truly knew herself. After living with someone who was in denial for 30 years I had a pretty good idea what ‘lost’ people behave like, so it wasn’t hard to identify someone who was grounded once I met her. Trust yourself here. On trusting again, Gordon Livingston’s book How to Love is an interesting perspective on how to choose a worthy mate - including how to identify and avoid destructive personality traits.
Lastly, my story sounds similar to yours and I posted a chronology of mine up to my remarriage on Our Stories on this site.
Wishing you strength and courage through this difficult time....
ADSJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (June 12, 2019 3:47 pm)
- lily
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Re: How did you make it through...and even find love again?
45 is a great age. you are in good shape to have your own success story. Yes of course they happen.
whilst you think through the options it is good to remember that a new partner is not going to want to share you with a wife even if she is a lesbian. Children is fine but a wife is not.
It is no way an impossibility to fall in love again. I did and I am nearly 20 years older than you. I remember distinctly that feeling of how on earth will I ever trust again, well you will and it will happen easily. You haven't failed.
The love between two straights is a world apart. And I am wishing you lots and lots of good luck, yes you are right it's not time to look for it now, you have a lot on your plate but I just think it will come knocking before you even imagined it would.
all the best, Lily
- Clif
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Re: How did you make it through...and even find love again?
Hi Bear.
I was 47 when it happened to me. Luckily both kids were grown and moved out.
I did not know how I would go on but I did.
As someone on here quote "The only way through it is through it".
It is painful. It is hard. But you will come through it.
I am remarried now over 8 years and looking retirement in the face. I did not search my current wife out. It just happened. But I will say, I am a little more guarded than I used to be. Incidentally, my gay ex married a woman and lives on the other side of the country and I am grateful for that 
Honestly, I am the most comfortable, now, as I have been my whole life.
One of these days it will just be a passing image in the rearview mirror.
- Rob
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Re: How did you make it through...and even find love again?
BB,
It is a season to get through. I got through it with a large support system..family, priest, lawyer, therapist, the board here.
I am dating someone now and I agree with Phoenix...the people one meets are so different and grounded than our former gay spouses. What one meets are people that are normal. For myself in terms of trusting again I will say my logic was..no one could possibly hurt me as much as my GX did...they would need to be a monster. I look back now and cringe at the abuse I allowed.
Baby steps..no need to worry about that far in future now.. Just strong stoic steps for you and your kids.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Steve
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Re: How did you make it through...and even find love again?
You can see my story - including finding love again - on the ‘Our Stories’ thread. It’s called ‘A15 year journey’
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.