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April 19, 2019 8:35 am  #1


Five years since she came out, happy, but still processing....

I discovered this website just a few months ago.  I traveled this journey alone up until now and all the experiences I hear resonate with my own. In sharing my story, I'll start with now, and write my story in reverse, because I hope this gives others on this journey hope.  I also plan to use more of an essay approach around  topics/threads I see in posts to outline the story.  I'll start with finding love again.  

The Difference
This term is in the newbie dictionary. It dscribes the contrast between same orientation intimacy (straight or gay I suppose) and attempted intimacy in a mixed orientation relationship. Of everything I've read so far it resonated with me to the point of tears, since I have now experienced straight love.  I am five years out since D-day (she came out on Pearl Harbor Day 2013, and we divorced on 9/11 2015).   Overall I am happy, and am remarried to a beautiful, clearly straight woman who knows who she is, admires my gender, and loves me for who I am and the way a man needs to be loved by a woman.  So for those of you early in this journey, you can find love again, no matter your age, gender, fitness level, etc.  There is a person who will desire you, for you, believe it.  Give yourself time.  Given my first marriage was based on a lie, I consider this marriage my first authentic marriage, if not my first marriage.  

"The Difference" also resonated with me because it was the first time in 30 years I actually felt desired.   The sexual connection described in a MOM lacks true intimacy no matter how hard you try.  We ascribe its absence due to the energy demands in a marriage to get the daily living done.  In my case,  there was decent sex early on but over time it waned and became non-existent; by the end I think I became ashamed of my sexuality and my sexual needs and simply quit asking because the rejection was too painful  (We had gone three years without sex before she finally admitted she was gay in 2013).  I ascribed the lack of intimacy to challenges of education (graduate school in the first years of marriage), starting a family (we had years of infertility before adopting), and raising a family (the 0-5 years are the most demanding - she came out when my daughter was in school full time - 1st grade).  By then 25 years had gone by.  The early sex was good, but it was not intimate.  I've often said it felt more like a sport than an act of love or desire.  She never made me feel like she wanted to connect with me - she simply was satisfying an urge.  "The Difference" is real and you will know it when you find it. 

"You're the Problem" 
She continually made me feel that her intimacy issues were my fault. I tried everything. I read books on how to be a great husband, I read Divorce Busters, Seven Principles of a Healthy Marriage, Covey, etc. I supported her pursuit of hockey and art so she could get a break from the kids.   She complained that I was a grouch.  I've concluded that any human being deprived of some basic intimacy needs (not all physical) will become very angry.  Hunger causes irritability.  I could go write a chapter about this topic of her blaming me, but I think her parting comments at the separation says it all - She said " I would have left sooner if you had been more of a dick. You made it too comfortable" .  So being an excellent provider and Dad made me the problem and the source of her denial.  Twisted? Sick? 


Divorce, Children,  Child Rearing,  
This part was very difficult and the implications on child rearing still are,  no bones about it.  My ex was a full time stay at home Mom up to the divorce and I had and still have a demanding job.  In the first year of the separation she was so interested in finding herself that I had the kids 60% percent of the time, and ended up with majority custody in the divorce.  I hired a nanny to help with after school care and household chores but I always felt I not only had to be Dad, and be provider,  but had to be half of Mom too.  Early on she was not helpful.  She adopted this idea that since we were divorced and sharing custody that we split all child duties so I had to figure out favorite recipes for the kids, school logistics, doctors, etc (all the stuff she was handling anyway) on my own. It took me a year to get my son's favorite recipe out of her.    I think it was how she held onto power.  She also never went back to work full time because it was 'too stressful' and she wanted that time with the kids.  I was very angry about the creation of these unnecessary challenges.  She had quit half her job in the marriage (being a mom) and left me with that, plus the responsibilities of my job, plus paying her child support, and giving her half of the assets we built in the marriage.  And all of this was caused by the fact that she was too selfish or afraid to be true to herself.  She could have left before children, she could have left before marriage.  In the end, that was my biggest disappointment in her - her lack of courage.   The cost to the children was my biggest source of anger.  The divorce deprived me of half my time with the kids and made 1-1 time with each of them increasingly difficult because of the logistics of being a single parent.  I tried to explain this loss to her on 2-3 occasions and her response was 'We all have the same 24 hours in the day'.  How is that for empathy? I was never angry that she left - I was actually angry that she stayed and built this life and then left.  Its a continued conflict for me, because I have two great kids that I love and wouldn't have without her, but they lost the life I dreamed of giving them - an intact two parent family with a stay at home parent.   

Our Culture's Empathy for the Gay Spouse in MOMs. 
As many have written, our culture honors the 'courage' of folks coming out after 10, 15, 30 years of marriage and often with children. I find this ironic at best and disgusting at worst.  After reading many posts, I'm concluding that, independent of their orientation,  there must be something unique about the personality in a gay person that ends up in a MOM.  Is it selfishness, is it lack of courage?  What kind of personality traits exist in a person who can tie up another persons' energy, resources, children, etc. for decades because they can't be honest with themselves.  I can understand staying in the closet out of fear and staying single, I can't understand pulling others into the lie.  Its the worst kind of selfishness, and probably the largest source of frustration and anger for those of us who still need to maintain interactions because of children.

Friendship and Boundaries
I cannot be 'friends' with my ex.  I would never treat a friend the way I was treated.  I continually have to remind her that we are parenting partners not friends.  She struggles with this and all boundaries that come with it.  In the first three years of being apart she would reach out to me about how 'sad' she was about losing the family.  It became an unhealthy dynamic that I had to stop.  This too was difficult because I did love her and I did love our family life.  But again, she was pulling me into her world of problems that she created by choosing denial in the first place. All of us experience this and it is best to disengage (and yes it is very difficult to do that with someone you once loved and still have some concern for their welfare).  But at best, the disengagement can be viewed as 'tough love' the way one needs to disengage from an addict. She is not my friend - period.  She is a parenting colleague. 

Losses to Grieve:
There was much to grieve. 
The death of an identity - she wasn't who she said she was or who I thought she was. 
The lifestyle - we were a two parent intact family with a house, a cottage, a great livelihood, and a retirement secured.
The family culture - this was and still is hard on my son.  He was 11 when he learned of the divorce and the first thing he said was 'We're not going to be a foursome any more". He knew the camping trips and other many family adventures were done.  
The finances - I have to work 5-10 more years to attain the same level of security in retirement. 
The time - the perception of lost/wasted time and what to rebuild 
Time with kids - I lost many opportunities for 1-1 time with my kids.  We all know that those car rides 1-1, or the unrushed errand, or the drive to school create the best opportunities for connecting with our children.  Those opportunities became much more difficult to create and are only now coming back. (My son now drives so I have more 1-1 time with my daughter, but I lost those 5 years with my son and they were important.) 
The grieving process is iterative.  I've processed nearly all of this, but occasionally I still step into one of these 'puddles of loss', get angry or sad, and then have to stop and collect myself,  and put everything back into this context. 

Gains to embrace: 
I still have my livelihood.
I found not only love, but a woman who get's the dynamics of a healthy heterosexual relationship, likes and honors men and respects the gender, is not in competition with me, and lights up at the sight of me (clothed or unclothed). 
I have an an opportunity to show my children a healthy relationship.  (My daughter embraces it, my son still struggles with it.) 
I have regained myself and my sanity.  She made me feel as though I was the problem and it caused intermittent periods of depression.  I wasn't the problem - her denial was.  

Chronology: 
I'll close by clarifying the chronology.  She calls herself a "lipstick lesbian".  We met in 1985 a year after I started my professional career. We had so many common interests - camping, biking, triathalons, any thing involving sport and physical activity.  I thought it was really cool - I had this companion who loved doing all these cool things with me.   We dated for 3 and half years and married.  She seemed somewhat indifferent to the marriage and to kids.  I think she just wanted safety.  I started a PhD right after the marriage and upon completion wanted to start a family.  She was resistant (afraid of pregnancy she said).  After some counseling and persistence we started attempting pregnancy at 35, then we encountered infertility for 4-5 years, then attempted adoption, which took 3 more years to succeed, then adopted again five years later, and as stated, as soon as time became available again (daughter in school full time), I was interested in restoring more intimacy, she resisted and admitted she was gay.   That was 6 months after our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  

We mediated the divorce because I was never interested in having a judge involved in my family - she was passive and resistant again - that took 20 months to complete.  She got child support and half of what we built in 30 years. 
She wasted no time coming out - she was on a date on Christmas Eve 2013. She dated immediately before working on any employment, and she connected with her current partner of five years, three months after coming out and fifteen months before the divorce was final.  

I met my current wife 4 days before the divorce was final.  We married this spring, and are in the process of combining households.  

I hope my story and my reflections have been helpful.  If you are new to this, hang in there ...it does get better but new challenges emerge, especially with parenting.

I found a quote from Arthur Ashe helpful on handling hardship - 
                Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.  
Those phrases got me through many difficult moments and days. 

The journey continues...updates to follow. 





 

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 19, 2019 1:24 pm)

 

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