andrealost,

I can feel how much pain you are in through your words, and my heart goes out to you.  You sure have had more than your share of grief and shock lately.

I want to recommend a book: Shoukd I Stay or Should I Go? By Lundy Bancroft. I have been working through this book. It is very healing.  It helps you see things differently, and is kind and nurturing.  I have found that it has gradually helped me to gain clarity and hope and strength. 

I think that many of us here on SSN finally come to realize that it is not so much the gay that is hurtful, but the lies and manipulation.   Of course thengay is hurtful too, but the lies and destructive patterns seem to really end things, once we recognize the lies and manipulation for what they are.

Now, regarding your description of how he says, “maybe if you texted me less, for three whole months, then maybe we can go to counseling”—that is horrible!  Just awful!  I want to tell you that is totally utterly manipulative and abusive.  Just no question.  Utterly horrid.  He is toying with you. Like a cat playing with a mouse and enjoying watching it suffer.  It is at the level of sadistic actually.  Please please please find a way to go no contact with this monster.  He is NOT your friend.  He is dangerous!  Please find a friend who can help you.  There is nothing about this man worthy of your trust or your hope.  Please put your hope and work into healing—put no more hope and no more work toward him nor a relationship with him of any kind.  He is not worthy of your time, let alone your friendship, and especially not your marriage.

Andrea (not yet found), 

   I'm sorry for the loss of your father. 

   I'm sorry you're in such pain.   On My Own Two Feet's book recommendation is a good one; if you find it helpful, another of her book's "Why Does He Do That?" might also be useful to you.  

   It's important for you to understand that although you are living apart from your husband, you are still living in his closet, and that is an inherently abusive dynamic.  You are so beaten down by this dynamic that it prevents you from even imagining a better life outside of it.  You are lonely because he has isolated you from everyone, and isolation is high on the list of the abuser's methods.  He is using a number of techniques desigend to secure your compliance with what he wants, and he doesn't care what this does to you.  Please stop thinking of him as your "best friend"; he is not your best friend; he is your worst enemy.

   Do I have this right that because you own a business together you feel that you must keep his secret?  It sounds to me as if he uses this shared business as a weapon against you, to ensure your silence. 

    What I wonder is this: why isn't your therapist concerned not with exploring WHY you feel as you do, but HOW to extricate you from such an ongoing, damaging situation.  If he were beating you with his fists, would she spend her time with you going over your parents' marriage and its effect on why you stay?  Don't ask your therapist to explore with you why you STAY, ask her to help you LEAVE.  Not, "figure out why you can't leave," but "figure out how to leave."  (You may be living apart, but you have not "left," in the sense of cutting yourself free.)

      One place to start would be for her to help you re-frame such self-defeating ideas as "He was my best friend," "He broke me forever," and "I'm like a 'you mate once and you lose your mate you die species'," because having such ideas is one reason you're stuck.  A best friend does not abuse you.  Lots of people lose their mates for all sorts of reasons and go on to live happy lives, either single or with a new partner.  For some reason you seem to think you can't do this, either because you aren't allowed to do this, or there is something in you that means you won't be able to.  If you think you're broken forever, you have no motivation to believe that things can better and that you can act to make them so. 

     Don't, however spend your time with your therapist exploring WHY you think these things: use your time with your therapist to CONTEST these ideas, to REFRAME them, because reframing them will help get you unstuck, and give you the motivation and hope to end this abusive situation you're in.  It's also important to understand that you have these self-defeating ideas not because you're somehow a failure but because your husband's abusive behavior has conditioned you to believe that you have no worth or future--something he NEEDS you to believe so he can control you and continue on in a lifestyle that benefits him at your expense.  He is willing to kill your spirit and damage your health in order to stay in his closet and live the life he wants to live.  

    What you are living in is a situation that is emotional and psychological battering, on a daily basis, and the first order of business is to get safe--and THEN, and only then, analyze the dynamic, your past, etc, because it's important to do that so you don't repeat this pattern in the future.  But first you have to HAVE a future, and to believe you do have one.

    Your Husband-on-Paper-Only does not have the right to dictate to you who are "allowed" to tell.  You have a right to tell your own story, and to anyone you choose to tell.  You do not have to keep enabling his lies by attending family events together.  What you do have the right to is your own life, to be lived free of abuse and in an honest way.  

   Please, please visit a lawyer and find out what your rights are under the divorce laws.  If you own the business together, it is surely marital property.  You are not powerless in this situation, and you are not without recourse.  You, your life, your health, are are worth fighting for. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 17, 2019 5:45 am)

I would like to thank you all for your insightful replies. I will share some of your thought s with my therapist.  I have started the first book and will buy the second. Thanks for taking the time to compose such thoughtful posts. They are much appreciated.

Hi I took some photos of your response to take to therapy tomm morning. I will let you know how its goes.XOXO