hi Kyw,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

No two stories are exactly the same, so I don't know whether my experience might be of use to you, but what I found, particularly in the beginning when I confronted my husband, was that he was on the one hand trying very hard to "own" this situation and acknowledge how unfair it was to me ... but I also suspect that somewhere deep down inside he had indulged the thought that just maybe some of this was also my fault too.  I think over the years, that seed took root and grew, and it bled out into other areas of our relationship (like money), where he secretly indulged a fantasy that somehow I was at least a tiny little bit at fault.  I think that intellectually he knew this had to be false, but he only ever had this conversation with the guy in the mirror, who never challenged him.

It sounds to me like the more guilty your wife is feeling, the more she's looking for excuses to dump it on you.

Hi and I'm sorry you're going thru this experience. I've been going thru a very similar situation over the last 2 months minus having kids in the house with us (mine are grown and on their own). Married 3 years. Both in second marriages and have enjoyed a very rich and physical relationship. Suddenly, my wife announced  that she was confused and needed space.  In trying to explain to me what was going on, she even said that maybe she was going through a midlife crisis. We agreed to give her space by having her move into our guest bedroom and to spend time getting clear on what was happening. After a week, she was back and feeling better. After another week, she wasn't good any more and need her space again. That's when I asked her to leave the house and not come back until she knew and could explain to me what the issue she was struggling with was. 

After about 3 weeks of gut wrenching separation with very little contact and no insight into anything. All the time thinking that she just didn't love me anymore and wouldn't be coming back, we set a date for her to talk to me about the situation.

That's when she told be that she was Bi and had been suppressing this identity since childhood.  In a certain way, it was a both a shock and a relief. Good to know that it wasn't something about me and at the same time, hard to think about what this meant for us and our relationship-marriage. We've since started to see a therapist, taking it slow, talking a lot and figuring out whether her needs can be met while we stay together or not.  She as since moved back into the house. The stress is gone, now that I know what's going on and we have had a great "Normal" last week. 

More counseling sessions are set and we are both looking forward to it.

Some guidance if I may... Concentrate on what you want while listening to her about what she wants.  Just because she's Bi or Gay doesn't mean that your marriage can't work. Take it slow and hope that she does as well.  Meaning, she might not need to act on the impulse or attraction to women, or she might. But slow it down in order to figure that all out one day at a time.

Write - Start a journal. It's a great place to let your emotions out and is a good thing to be able to go back to and read. It's been very therapeutic for me.

Find a support group - The LBGT community in my city is well developed and has all sorts of support groups. i'm going to my first meeting next week.

Stay active and eat well - exercise, meditate, and eat good foods, etc - This has worked wonders for me.

Keep talking - Be transparent with her and just keep the lines of communication open.

Therapy -  Find someone.

Hope this helps.  I'm still in a process. I don't know where it will lead and I still don't know if we'll end up together or not. However, I'm not worrying about it. I'm committed to the process and know that at a minimum, I'll be able to look back and say that I gave it my all to try to make the relationship work.

 

lily wrote:

oh goodness.  You've been married 3 years.  I think you should go get advice about financial matters - what it could cost you to stay in the marriage longterm and then want to split up.

all the best, Lily

A prenup helps.

Kyw, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I too thought my GID was having a "midlife crisis" the year of his 40th birthday. By then he had been selected to be the partner CEO of the Canadian branch of a large British insurance company. He should have been thrilled to achieve the promotion for which he had worked 20 years.
Instead, he resigned!! Decided to start his own business, increased the mortgage on our home to finance the business.... 5 years later he told me he wanted to "explore his homosexual feelings". 19 years later, he is living in Nice, France, with a man.
I do pray that your situation is different; that it is a "mid-life crisis".

As a straight woman i have to say, I can never ever imagine myself to be with another woman sexually. If the hottest Victoria secret model wants to even touch me, it’ll gross me out. This idea that even straight women can be with other women just sexually is a very wrong notion in my opinion. it’s fed to us in media and movies.

If you are sexually attracted to another woman, you are definitely not a straight woman. You can be anywhere on that scale, but definitely not straight. It’s not a midlife crisis. You are born with it and have carried and suppressed it all your life until you hit your late thirties, early forties. That’s when you can’t suppress it anymore (like my husband).