Stronger, 
 I understand the feeling you have; "radical acceptance" can feel like "accept the shit sandwich you have been given to eat and eat it without complaint."   I can accept that my ex made certain choices and exhibits certain behaviors, all of which had, and continue to have, and will continue to have, a negative impact on my life.  I do not in any way "accept" that this is ok, or that I should "get over it."  
     What I have tried to do is to, when I can, act to protect myself and to dish out to him some consequences for those not okay actions and behaviors.  I divorced him, for one, which was a major consequence for him.  Also, when my workplace took up his cause and saw him as a poor victim in need of protection, and told me I had to stay in his closet and not tell anyone what had happened in my life (I'm not talking malicious outing or badmouthing him) I decided to advance my retirement.  These were consequences I lowered as a result of others' behavior, but also self-protective boundaries that I set in the face of behaviors others exhibited that were damaging to me.  What they said, essentially, is "I will not allow these behaviors or subject myself to these conditions."  In each case, however, these actions I took also cost me--and although I "accept" that these costs come as a consequence of actions I took to protect myself, and were part of my imposing consequences for actions taken by others against my interests, I do not in any way "accept" that these were ok, only that they were necessary.
   I won't forget what he did; I won't forget what my university did.  Nor will I forgive either.  I resent that my last few years of a long career were ruined first by him and then by my workplace.  I am angry over the financial hits I've had to take in protecting myself.  But I'm not going to be ruled by my anger and resentment.  I did what I could do in the situations in which I found myself.  I couldn't change those situations; I could only find in those situations the room I did have to maneuver, and act in the ways I could.  I took my power back in acting to protect myself.  I am grateful to live in a time when divorce is possible; I am glad that I made decisions in my life--and had the opportunities I did in life--that have enabled me to have the financial resources that allowed me to act as I have.  Without those, my situation right now would be much more challenging. I won't forget or forgive, but I hope to reach the point that my every day life transcends what was done to me, and the actions I take going forward define my life.  
   The wrongs will never be set right; I will never be ok with that.  But I can accept that that's the case and do what I can do to set my life on a course that will be satisfying to me now that I am free of the weight of my ex's disordered personality and behaviors, and of those who would defend him (without having a clue of the truth of what I endured, how he acted, and who he is behind the mask he presents to the world). 
  Sometimes I think those who preach "radical acceptance" seem to believe it means that you should just think what happened to you is ok. Kind of the way my ex believes that we should simply present to the world the idea that "we grew apart" and that we can now "be friends."  Nope.  I will do nothing to support either of those ideas.  What happened to me--what he did to me, the way he acted to me--was not ok.  My ex behaved abominably to me, and he continues to deny--or even to believe--that he did so.  Neither his past or present actions will ever be ok, although I can certainly accept that he is who he is and did what he did.  All I can do is to look for the power that I do have in my current circumstances, and to use it in ways that are self protective and will help me heal from what I went through.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 15, 2019 11:08 am)