OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Olebeecharmer
- New member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
Leah wrote:
Yes being divorced is scary, but so is living without intimacy and trust. You are not doing a bad thing here.
I need to repeat this to myself every day for the near future. I so needed to hear this.
Mimi, I'm exactly where you are so I have no words of wisdom or advice. Just know you're not alone. We WILL get through this.
- lolita17
- Member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
Mimi,
I can absolutely relate. t least you husband agrees he s bi. Mine does not want to talk about anything. Even the the porn addiction. If at least he was ready to admit this porn addiction thing I would be ready to explore way we can try to improve things. I know the denial is the only place I refuse to stay in at all cost. Divorce is a hard price but this is where we re heading now. To get that I even played the bad one. Told him that I wanted to divorce not because of TGT but because I felt unfulfilled in our relationship for so long. I actually really convinced myself.. But how can a woman in our situation could feel fulfilled anyways. I guess at some point we need our big girl panties and do what ever we need to reclaim our lives. I used to feel guilty and in despair too. But I realize that divorce is not my end goal. My end goal is to a have the relationship my husband and I committed to when we got married. As far as I remember, TGT was not part of this contract.
- andrea-lost
- Member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
Hi
My husband wont end it either. For 2 years I put on a smiley face for family and business. Meanwhile I sleep alone cry alot and waste time in therapy. But he dates and has fun. And I cling to a 26 year marriage and believe it meant something. Im pathetic.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
Hi
My husband wont end it either. For 2 years I put on a smiley face for family and business. Meanwhile I sleep alone cry alot and waste time in therapy. But he dates and has fun. And I cling to a 26 year marriage and believe it meant something. Im pathetic.
Andrea,
No..you are NOT pathetic. You are authentic and capable of strong fierce true love and compassion.
These spouses are not. It's a scary thing to watch ..their indifference and discard. Their shallowness.
Do not think for a minute that your strong love and loyalty makes you weak or foolish or pathetic.
You are worth so much more..more than he can comprehend.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Davin
- Member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
I read all these responses and it is almost like someone is writing them on my behalf! It's crazy how similar of a situation we are all in here.
I know that my wife will not acknowledge the fact that she is gay. She can barely say the word, often using the Roman Catholic Church's term of "the condition" to describe someone who is gay. Her parents mock people who are gay using limp wrist gestures, so I know that she would be terrified to come out to them. I am speculating now, but I think she maybe thought that all she needed to do was find the right man and these feelings would somehow go away.
Both of us are miserable. We both know that our marriage is off the rails. She would be content to maintain the status quo until the day one of us dies to be able to continue living the life that others around us look at as idyllic. We are often described by our friends as "the perfect couple" -- little do they know.
My challenge is that I truly love this woman. That's why I married her. She has been a great friend, an excellent mother, and we even run a business together. The unwinding of all of this is going to be a complicated mess. I know for a fact that I will come out of this as "the bad guy" in the eyes of a lot of our family and mutual friends.
But last week I had an epiphany moment -- a moment where I found myself saying to myself "you deserve better than this." I told myself that I do not have to settle for a marriage that is not "real". I am worthy of being with someone who can love me back as much and in the same way that I love them.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
- Member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
But last week I had an epiphany moment -- .... I told myself that I do not have to settle for a marriage that is not "real". I am worthy of being with someone who can love me back as much and in the same way that I love them.
I have come to feel that even being single is better than the marriage that is not real—when one spouse feels loves toward the other, but the other does not love back.
I think it is Lily who has commented on how this creates an imbalance in the relationship. You as the straight spouse are always wanting, loving, yearning, seeing the one you love. And every time—every single time you feel love or warmth or yearning toward this spouse, you are reminded that they do not love you. It is being wounded again and again and again.
It also really cuts into your self worth.
If your spouse ever has inclination to say the marriage problems are your fault, or ever criticizes you, then the damage to your sense of value it is just worse and worse. And, I think the gay spouse often does criticize or blame—as most spouses in this forum explain—they do not have the open heart to us that would make them inclined to hear our joys or sorrows, or to overlook our weaknesses, nor to build us up. In fact, we are likely a place for their resentment. We represent the opposite of what they want—so we are an irritation, or as my husband told me, he has generally seen me as “an obstacle.” That was not a happy moment for me.
- Mimi
- Member
Offline
Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all
Davin,
You’re in the beginning of this path. The more you read the more you see the commanalities in all cases.
- they were always the best friend
- there was something always off in the sexual relationship
- the constant criticism because you always had to improve yourself. Why? They didn’t know why you’re not enough.
The limbo phase you’re in, is the worst part. I’d say worse than the discovery day. But as you said here there will come a day where you realize the thought of staying in the marriage is more depressing than leaving. I got to that point.
- •
Thread Starter