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March 2, 2019 9:36 am  #1


Moving on

I finally told him I’m out. I finally told him I can’t stay in this rabbit hole and go crazy. I can’t stay anymore. It’s not just the trust that has been broken by hiding such a huge thing from me. But also no matter how much he promisss that he won’t act on his urges, and he only wants to be with me, I don’t want to gamble my life. I was unhappy before d day too. So what’s going to change? Nothing. More empty promises that will break once this honeymoon phase passes.
My heart is so heavy to see him this upset. I’m worried about what he’ll do without me. Scared of being alone.

I have to tell you though, there comes a day that you decide that the thought of staying in this relationship is making you more depressed than leaving and being alone. At least you give yourself a chance by leaving.

Any advice from people who are in process of separating or have done it? What’s the smoothest way? I still care about him and want him to be ok.

 

March 2, 2019 11:36 am  #2


Re: Moving on

Oh my gosh. I could have wrote this. I understand a 1000%!!! My STBX is moping around and crying and begging...saying he has no life without me. This has been going on for 7 months now as we wait out this painfully long, slow divorce process. I think we often fall in to this trap and make it this far because our hearts are so big. We believe it all because we love so fiercely and believe and trust the best in people...until we can’t. My heart goes out to you and I am anxious to see other replies as well.

💜🌸💜🌸

Last edited by finallyfree (March 3, 2019 10:26 am)

 

March 2, 2019 1:01 pm  #3


Re: Moving on

It is now years ago I moved out and got a divorce.  I never wake up and think I wish I'd been nicer, I never think I wish I hadn't taken the fridge but I have woken up thinking I wish I hadn't left him with the washing machine.  I wish I hadn't let him get away with all the little ways he advantaged himself at my expense.  

maybe you are lucky and have nice fair spouses who just happen to be gay in denial but mine was selfish and he lied as easy as breathing and there was this day when I realised his upset was over the loss of money not me.  He knew I had been a good companion through the years and he was going to miss that, but his distress was over the finances.

I very much understand where you are coming from - yeah really it's true, we are goodhearted and caring - initially I couldn't even think divorce until I had reassured myself it would benefit him emotionally too.  But in the rearview mirror I can see my lawyer had it right and she looked after my interests.  He was looking after his, I was looking out for him, she made me shift to looking out for me and I am grateful for that. 

My ex was thinking about how he could milk me for all he could get while I was thinking about his welfare.  With hindsight I have zero regret for the things I took but I do have some regret for the things I let him get away with.

Last edited by lily (March 2, 2019 2:36 pm)

 

March 3, 2019 1:33 am  #4


Re: Moving on

Mimi, I could of written your post word for word. I was married for 44 years, before I discovered TGT 15 months ago. Prior to my discovery I loved my life and thought I had the perfect marriage. My GIDX also told me he would never act on it, he cries tells me how much he loves me, I wanted to believe him so badly, I tried to make sense of his nonsense. But I used my rational mind and I continued to snoop and the more I snooped, the worse it got. I discovered pieces of paper where he wrote out all our finances, I checked his history on his cell phone where he had searched buying a corvette, gay massages, gay bars, adult book stores. I found receipts for gay porn magazines. I knew if I stayed, it would destroy me, I want truth, honesty and dignity in my life. I want to be valued, and respected. He says he loves me, and maybe he does to the best of his ability, BUT, it is a very selfish love. I realized that I would be OK w/o him, I made myself a priority now, I am responsible for me and my own happiness. I can't fix him, I will always love him, but I am done. I can't live my life with the lies. 

My divorce was final in January. He moves out in April. My advice to you is never give up on you, don't settle! Move on. My new mantra is "ONWARD."



 

 

March 3, 2019 10:17 am  #5


Re: Moving on

Mimi,
   Here's a little of what I learned after I told my ex I'd had enough and began the divorce process. 
   Don't be surprised if now that you've indicated you're leaving that your ex becomes cold toward you and calculating in his approach to the separation of assets.  Mine ended up with more than 50% of our marital assets (I made a strategic retreat on the house in order to get him to buy me out) but still believes he somehow was hard done by.  He may feel betrayed by your leaving and that will come out as anger toward you....because...It's not his gayness that's the problem; it's your response to it!   At several points in our negotiations my ex said unbelievably hurtful things and displayed unreasonable anger toward what should not have provoked such a response.  If he produces a list of what he thinks is a fair distribution of assets/support, don't just agree or assume his list reflects what is likely to be awarded.  
       Make sure you have your own lawyer, one for you alone, who can advise you on what the law considers equitable.  Another reason you need a lawyer working for you is that you need someone thinking about you and you alone, and watching out for your interests.  If you are still focused on his pain, and worried about him, you are very likely to make financial concessions out of concern for him, out of the habit of putting him first, and this will hurt you down the road. You already know he's not going to be reciprocating in this respect.  I remember telling myself, "There's no more 'we'. There's only 'him' and 'me.'  And the only person who is going to look after me, the only person I can count on now, is me."  
   Don't drag out the process, either.  If your husband is closeted, he'll be worried that you're going to "out him," and this may make him more willing to deal.  You may have no intention to tell anyone, but his fear can work in your favor in negotiations in that he may be more willing to agree. However, if time passes and he sees that you are keeping his secret, then he'll lose that fear and might become more aggressive in his demands (and remember: the danger is that he'll be thinking that what's "fair" is an arrangement in which he gets more).     
  Another thing that will make the separation and divorce run more smoothly is for whoever is going to move to do it in one fell swoop: move everything out at once.  As soon as you can, minimize your contact with him, and don't engage in personal conversations, as afterwards you'll find yourself torn up inside.  BIFF (brief, informative, friendly yet firm) is a helpful acronym.  It helped me to move everything to text messages and emails, which didn't involve my having to see him (a trigger because it brought to mind visions of my trans-identified ex in women's lingerie, etc) or talk in real time to him.  With a text/email I had time to consider a response, or to decide whether I was feeling ok enough to look at his message when it first arrived.  Sometimes I'd have to let a message sit in my inbox for a bit just to calm down enough to look at it.  
   I know this sounds pretty cold, but divorce is a monetary and legal transaction, and you have to treat it as such.  to get through it, and to start on the long road to living as a single rather than a married person, you have to learn new survival techniques and modes of thinking.  The dllemma of divorce is that it's very difficult to stop thinking in terms of "we" after many years of marriage, and yet you have to start acting on that reality before you have the chance to process it.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 3, 2019 10:27 am)

 

March 4, 2019 12:55 pm  #6


Re: Moving on

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Mimi,
   Here's a little of what I learned after I told my ex I'd had enough and began the divorce process. 
   Don't be surprised if now that you've indicated you're leaving that your ex becomes cold toward you and calculating in his approach to the separation of assets.  Mine ended up with more than 50% of our marital assets (I made a strategic retreat on the house in order to get him to buy me out) but still believes he somehow was hard done by.  He may feel betrayed by your leaving and that will come out as anger toward you....because...It's not his gayness that's the problem; it's your response to it!   At several points in our negotiations my ex said unbelievably hurtful things and displayed unreasonable anger toward what should not have provoked such a response.  If he produces a list of what he thinks is a fair distribution of assets/support, don't just agree or assume his list reflects what is likely to be awarded.  
       Make sure you have your own lawyer, one for you alone, who can advise you on what the law considers equitable.  Another reason you need a lawyer working for you is that you need someone thinking about you and you alone, and watching out for your interests.  If you are still focused on his pain, and worried about him, you are very likely to make financial concessions out of concern for him, out of the habit of putting him first, and this will hurt you down the road. You already know he's not going to be reciprocating in this respect.  I remember telling myself, "There's no more 'we'. There's only 'him' and 'me.'  And the only person who is going to look after me, the only person I can count on now, is me."  
   Don't drag out the process, either.  If your husband is closeted, he'll be worried that you're going to "out him," and this may make him more willing to deal.  You may have no intention to tell anyone, but his fear can work in your favor in negotiations in that he may be more willing to agree. However, if time passes and he sees that you are keeping his secret, then he'll lose that fear and might become more aggressive in his demands (and remember: the danger is that he'll be thinking that what's "fair" is an arrangement in which he gets more).     
  Another thing that will make the separation and divorce run more smoothly is for whoever is going to move to do it in one fell swoop: move everything out at once.  As soon as you can, minimize your contact with him, and don't engage in personal conversations, as afterwards you'll find yourself torn up inside.  BIFF (brief, informative, friendly yet firm) is a helpful acronym.  It helped me to move everything to text messages and emails, which didn't involve my having to see him (a trigger because it brought to mind visions of my trans-identified ex in women's lingerie, etc) or talk in real time to him.  With a text/email I had time to consider a response, or to decide whether I was feeling ok enough to look at his message when it first arrived.  Sometimes I'd have to let a message sit in my inbox for a bit just to calm down enough to look at it.  
   I know this sounds pretty cold, but divorce is a monetary and legal transaction, and you have to treat it as such.  to get through it, and to start on the long road to living as a single rather than a married person, you have to learn new survival techniques and modes of thinking.  The dllemma of divorce is that it's very difficult to stop thinking in terms of "we" after many years of marriage, and yet you have to start acting on that reality before you have the chance to process it.  

This! ALL of this!!

This is a business transaction. Plain and simple. Also, if it was a long-term marriage and you were a stay at home mom, this is your security blanket, and you only get one chance to secure your future. 

This is a visual I like....... you have been used to your STBX riding in the car with you, so he was always present. His concerns, wants, needs, etc. were a consideration because you were on the journey (in the car) together. Now, he is no longer in the car. You are in the driver's seat, and he is probably standing in front of the car or hanging on the hood or doing something to keep you from moving forward, and you don't want to move because you don't want to hurt him. You may throw some of his things out the window to get him to move away from the car, but you need to be careful not to throw out too much because all you have is in the car. Eventually, though, you are able to start moving forward. He may continue to hang onto the sides of the car and soon the rear bumper as you continue to journey ahead. He still looms large in the windows and rear view mirror. Soon, though, you will be free from his grasp and you will start to move farther down the road. Before you know it, you will pick up speed. You may occasionally look in the rear view mirror, but he (and his influence) will become smaller and smaller as you continue on your journey. Before you know it, you won't even be able to see him AND you will even stop looking for him. You are on your own and free to journey on and take whichever path YOU choose. 

For some of us, we really won't see our exes much at all. For those with small children, obviously, there will still be contact, but his influence and "say" in decisions regarding his spouse's life will greatly diminish. 

Anyway, all that to say keep moving forward, and even though he is still very much present in your life, start thinking of him as your EX-husband now and remember that all the things you may be willing to give up because of not wanting to hurt his feelings now may be things you end up regretting when he is no longer part of your daily life. 

Also, for what it's worth, I had the same feelings and concerns when I asked my spouse to leave. I was so worried about hir (my spouse is mtf trans) and what ze would do. Well, I needn't have worried. My spouse apparently have a thriving social life and spending hir time off volunteering and making phone calls on behalf of hir local trans community. I feel quite certain ze seldom thinks of us at all.
 

 

March 4, 2019 5:22 pm  #7


Re: Moving on

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate all the advice. Means so much!

     Thread Starter
 

March 5, 2019 11:46 am  #8


Re: Moving on

Mimi, I totally relate thaw you feel.  I already told my husband about divorce and we both agreed on the procedure.  Unfortunately where I live divorce is only about the relationship and there is another procedure for child custody and separation of assets.  He suggested something for separation of assets but it s totally unfair to me.  So I need to find the best way to tell him.  But the real mistake I have made was to talk about divorce while I was not ready.  I don t have a place to go yet.  So I can t even think about taking my kids with me.  

So don t be emotional as it was said before. Divorce is a legal transaction so you need to consider it as is after you have processed your emotions and have a solid plan.  You might feel now that you can t stay with him but when you take your time to think you might be able to stay a little longer until you re ready.  What is important is the boundaries you set and of course of safe you feel.  But please take the time to process your emotions first.  Are you seeing an individual counselor ? I think this will be very helpful.  There is a book I read call "Conscious uncoupling", that might help you if you think that you still have a chance and a need to stay friend with your STBX.  For example if you have kids this will be very helpful.  Take care and wish you the best.  

 

March 7, 2019 3:16 pm  #9


Re: Moving on

I have not yet decided if I will go for divorce or not. He wants to stay married but there is no intimacy although we get along otherwise. Just a physical separation rather than divorce might work for us.  But am proceeding as if eventually divorce with more & more separation of finances. I find reading about strategies very helpful-just got a book I ordered off Amazon "Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally" by Jeffery A Landers. Just started it but already got a good quote out of it "Marriage is all about love and divorce is all about money." You can be kind while protecting yourself.

 

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