Mimi wrote:

At some point it’s not about TGT anymore. It’s about loosing yourself trying to not rock the boat.

 
Thank you.  Lately that is very much how I feel, and I have recently said all of these things:

Where is there a place for ME in all this?
Where am I? Where have I been for so long?
I have lost myself.
I have lost myself and I did not really understand that. 
I want myself back. 
It has been so many years now, and giving up what I want and is such a habit, I do not even know how to start finding myself.  Can I even ask myself the question anymore of what do I want?
Etc.

I do know this, though—I do want THIS:  Me.  I know I want me.  I may not know how to find me, and saying “me” is not specific.  But it  is something!  I am in there somewhere.  There is enough of me left to be calling out quietly from somewhere in the rubble:  hey, I am here. 

Currently, the chaos really has taken over my life.  Not just my emotional life, but also my physical life.  My time, my focus, everything. 

While our spouses try to figure out (or hide) their orientation, we become utterly disoriented.  And realizing that this has gone on as a pattern throughout the marriage is utterly disorienting.  Like, how did I not stop or recognize this, and now I am so immersed in the chaos that I cannot pull myself out to see clearly.  But I hope I can soon.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (February 16, 2019 12:50 pm)

OnMyOwnTwoFeet, amen! Great post. 90% of my thoughts are simply internal questions. There are few if any answers as they are hypothetical questions and even the “answers” I come up with seem to change daily. I’ve learned these massive betrayal events can completely dominate your thoughts and they can’t be turned off. They don’t care if your busy at work, spending time with kids or asleep. It may be the most selfish part of this whole experience, a person dumping something unwanted in someone’s brain to occupy for a yet TBD amount of time. I feel like each thought must be considered and allowed to run it’s course no matter how silly it is without dismissal. Completely bizarre scenarios, a hypothetical exchange with my spouse or imagining a future scenario.  The next day I sometimes can’t remember what I was thinking about all day but the day before it seemed so unfortgettably important.  It takes up so much bandwidth. So much energy. It’s exhasuting mentally and physically. Just trying to let it all run through me and keep moving forward.

OOHC, I just downloaded this song a couple of days ago. I like country music, but this particular song isn't my favorite style. Then a few days ago is came on and I listened to the words. Wow! I love it.