OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Still Wondering
- Member
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Re: Welcome to the new Forum!
Hi jking,
Welcome! There are only a couple of people I've seen on this forum who are choosing to go through the transition with their partners. This is primarily for the reasons you mentioned in your post (they are being mistreated, the spouse is acting like a teenager, etc.). So - don't be offended if the majority of the advice you are given here is to leave him. That's because the majority of us have lived through it only to find out it never gets better. Unless this is what you truly want, it's time you examine if you are getting what you want and deserve. That's the best place to start. Maybe you have already done that. But be very leery of anyone who is acting like a child. Behavior like that often does not improve (in our experience here) and tends to slowly get worse until one day you realize he's been mistreating you for years. Good luck and welcome!
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Welcome to the new Forum!
As you have also posted your story in the "is s/he gay?" section you will be likely to get comments there (so you might delete your post here).
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 26, 2020 6:37 am)
- Carriex
- New member
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Re: Welcome to the new Forum!
Hi All
This is my first time on here . I’m not really sure how and we’re I share my story .
If anyone could help , would be great !
- SusanneH
- Member
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Re: Welcome to the new Forum!
Hi Carrie!
Welcome, and as most say : to the place no one wants to be. But, there are a lot of folks here who have been through a lot that can help you.
If all you want to do is share your story, the section to 'share your story' is the last section. The only difference on that one is that you can not get any replies. You post your story, and that's it.
If you want some support, answers to questions about your story, etc; You can start a thread in the General Discussion or Support section. If you're wondering if your partner is gay/bi, etc, you can post in the "Is he/she gay/bi,?? section. It's best to start a thread if you want specific answers to your situation.
good luck! We're all 'been there' one way or another!
- ImSoConfused
- Member
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Re: Welcome to the new Forum!
I'm so embarrassed to ask this question but this is a forum to help people understand so... If I can't ask here, where can I ask?
Ok. Deep breath.
I've been married 20 years. In a relationship for 23. I have 3 children. When my STBX and I were dating, the sex was frequent. I mean, I thought it was. I wasn't very experienced. But it was a lot from my memory. The minute we got engaged, it stopped. I excused it as we didn't want to be pregnant on our wedding day. But I assumed it would pick up once we were married. It never did. It's been 20 years.of him telling me that he's tired or he's on medication or he ate too much at dinner or he's a morning person and I'm not and the kids are home or our daughter's bedroom is below ours and she might hear or.. or . Or... It did a number on my self confidence. Eventually, after being called a pervert for wanting to do something different from woman on top, I stopped asking. (Sorry, I warned you this was TMI). In 20 years I've probably had sex with my husband 50-75 times total and most.of that was when we were trying to conceive. I would voice concerns and tell my husband that it felt weird and what was wrong with me that he didn't want me like the magazines said men did. That all you hear is how much men think about sex. How often they want to do it. I even scheduled Wednesday "funches" so he would come home on Wednesday at lunch for some "fun " he only did it once and never did it again. Always had an excuse. And I believed the excuses because he was working so much.
When I would tell my husband I felt like things were off, he would tell me that the media had confused me. Exaggerated things. That men didn't think about sex as often as the TV made me think they did. And, because I wanted to have sex, I kept thinking I WAS a pervert because I definitely wanted it more than he did and he said the media was wrong. I mean, I'm not a man. I don't know what's real and true.
So... Now I understand. Now I get it. He's gay. He didn't want to have sex with a woman. But now I'm wondering #1. How often DO men want to have sex usually? I know there's not a one size fits all answer, but do they really usually want to do it a lot or is that a media thing? How often should a woman expect them to be interacting?
#2 if you reach across the bed to start something, do men actually brush you away and roll over or, even if they are tired, do they rally??
#3 if a man isn't having sex but once every few months (starting when he's 30), is he either handling it himself, having someone else handle things, or completely fine sound nothing for weeks and months on end? I'm just trying to figure out how often I was cheated on. How often I should expect things to be different in the future. If men need some kind of release like the movies act like they do, then he was definitely with someone else on and off because there was never ANY release. But if men can go months and months with no "stimulation" maybe he wasn't ...
Sorry to be so graphic!!!!
Thanks for your help
Last edited by ImSoConfused (October 30, 2023 12:01 am)
- LonelyDude
- Member
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Re: Welcome to the new Forum!
Hi Confused,
Thank you for coming here, and please don't worry about TMI. We use words like "penis" and "vagina" on a regular basis--we are all adults and discussing topics that are inherently sexual in nature. If somebody is offended or uncomfortable, they can always stop reading and hit that little "X" in the top corner of the browser window. :-)
#1. Similar to women, a man's sex drive (and desired frequency) varies by individual. I believe that there is some truth to the stereotype that men have a higher sex drive than women, at least up until their 60's. But there are also men out there with a lower appetite. I mean, if average men think about sex every 30 seconds, then there must be guys out there that only think about it once per day, to balance out the statistics from my own situation (thinking about it every 10 seconds). There could be other medical or psychological factors affecting his sex drive. I will admit that I find the timing of the rapid change of gears to be interesting--stopping sex at the time of engagement/marriage is the opposite of what I would consider to be normal behavior for a healthy couple. That could be an indicator that you are his Beard, and he stopped feeling compelled to "fake it" once you became his permanent, built-in cover story.
#2. I only know my own drive, and it happens to be a freight train with a point of no return: once sexual contact starts, there is only one way it resolves, no matter how tired I am. Hasn't been much of a problem at home, but was an issue for me during my period of "extracurricular activities" in my younger years. It is possible that you think your approach/initiation is sexual in nature, while he interprets it differently. If it is obvious, like grabbing his junk, then it's probably rejection. Or, if it's more "cuddling" in nature, then it may not be received as overtly sexual, and could be reason to roll away if he is tired.
#3. I think any of the 3 situations are possible. In my own personal case, the first 2 reasons (handling it myself, or having somebody else handle it) kept me from regularly initiating for a long time. Ironically enough, my escape avenues prevented me from seeing/acknowledging my wife's GID flags. I only started sensing them once I became a one-woman man, and our marriage started deteriorating even faster.
It is possible that your husband is closet-gay. It is also possible that he is using other people for his release, or that he prefers porn to the actual thing. It is also possible that he has medical or psychological issues (low T, high stress, etc.) that get in the way of physical intimacy. Or you could have emotional connection issues that prevent him from being close to you in a physical sense. Heck, even Asexuality is a real thing. Refusing your advances is only part of the picture. What indicators do you see in other parts of his life?
Last edited by LonelyDude (October 30, 2023 5:59 am)