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- Joe_in_Maine
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Re: Any point to trial MOM
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.
ThisSeason wrote:
I love my children very much, and would do anything for them. But I don't think modeling a dysfunctional relationship is in their best interest. I need to show them that they deserve to be with someone who loves them completely at the exclusion of everyone else. And if their partner ever deviates from that, they should respect themselves and leave.
Oh man, so much this. I have been focusing on my own pain, which is fine and normal and all of that, but its time for me to man up and face the situation for what it is. She and I are tied together forever because of those two little peanuts snoozing upstairs. We created them together and share a commitment to parent them, which is in it's basest form, teaching them how to be healthy, functional adults. Right now, we are both acting like children. She's off like a hormonal teenager and I'm sulking and pouting. I'm done. I have power only over my own decisions. And I choose not to engage in whatever mid-life crisis she's having and just be a good dad and take care of myself.
Something -- happened -- to her in our marriage counseling session today. Her bravado and self-righteousness just sort of crumbled and I think she realized that her decisions, not our disparate identities, is what fractured our family. She finally heard what I've been trying to say (probably very inelegantly) since this started: she is not at fault for being lesbian, and not at fault for failing to realize that she wanted to live in that identity before we married and had children, but it is 100% her fault for choosing to strike up a new relationship without ending the existing one first. That was the thing that burned our marriage to ashes. I think that sunk in today.
Not sure where we go from here, but at least I feel like I have a clear head. Thanks again all for your input - gave me a lot of food for thought.
- ThisSeason
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Re: Any point to trial MOM
Something -- happened -- to her in our marriage counseling session today. Her bravado and self-righteousness just sort of crumbled and I think she realized that her decisions, not our disparate identities, is what fractured our family. She finally heard what I've been trying to say (probably very inelegantly) since this started: she is not at fault for being lesbian, and not at fault for failing to realize that she wanted to live in that identity before we married and had children, but it is 100% her fault for choosing to strike up a new relationship without ending the existing one first. That was the thing that burned our marriage to ashes. I think that sunk in today.
Well said Joe. My wife says that she didn't ask for this to happen, she didn't choose for it to happen. But the fact is, she did choose to take the actions she did and start going out with her lesbian friend, kissing her, and eventually having sex. And somewhere along the way, falling in love with the other woman. And she did all of that while trying to make me think everything was fine with our marriage.
I'm not sure what chance our marriage would have had surviving TGT, but it would have been nice to see how we would have been nice to figure out what is really in the best interest of our family without the influence of an affair partner. I believe her "love" for the affair partner has tainted every single decision and conversation we've had on what the best way to proceed is.
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Thread Starter- Joe_in_Maine
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Re: Any point to trial MOM
Agree. Our marriage counseling sessions are going better than I anticipated, and we are hashing out some stuff that we should have hashed out years ago. Pretty sure we're still heading towards separation, but our chances of an amicable and relatively healthy path forward as parents improves with each session.
But then there's the monster under the bed. And it does taint absolutely everything.
The birthday weekend I've been dreading is this coming up Saturday, and she says to me after a really productive talk: "I'm just worried that this weekend is going to undo everything we've accomplished in the past few weeks." Yeah you and me both, lady.
Last edited by Joe_in_Maine (January 21, 2019 2:45 pm)
- ThisSeason
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Re: Any point to trial MOM
Glad to hear the marriage counseling is going better than you expected. Did you find someone who specialized in mixed orientation marriages, or more of a general marriage counselor?
Good luck with this weekend. Is it the OW's birthday?
Agree. Our marriage counseling sessions are going better than I anticipated, and we are hashing out some stuff that we should have hashed out years ago. Pretty sure we're still heading towards separation, but our chances of an amicable and relatively healthy path forward as parents improves with each session.
But then there's the monster under the bed. And it does taint absolutely everything.
The birthday weekend I've been dreading is this coming up Saturday, and she says to me after a really productive talk: "I'm just worried that this weekend is going to undo everything we've accomplished in the past few weeks." Yeah you and me both, lady.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Any point to trial MOM
....But then there's the monster under the bed. And it does taint absolutely everything....
I started referring to my partner's bisexuality and fantasies of being with men as.... "the elephant in the room" ....it colours every word, every act, every behavior between us now. Everything.
For xmas I gave him a small grey ornamental elephant. I placed it in our lounge....on the small table his laptop sits on.
He knows what it represents
KIA KAHA