Zoso,

So glad you have the opportunity to create some meaningful closure to your marriage. I was also wondering when to take off the rings and what to do with them, and it just didn’t seem right to just take them off. They are such a symbol of the relationship, and I wanted to honor the relationship as we ended it.  It takes a special situation and level of cooperation between the both of you to make something like this and it sounds like you guys have that.

I wanted to mention that you should be careful about the bonding associated with this ceremony. Even though it is meant to give some sense of closure to the relationship, i found that it had an element of emotional bonding, almost similar to the day we got married.  I remember getting some emotional satisfaction out of the ceremony that was really nice to feel, but not sure was good for moving towards emotionally disconnecting.  I only bring this up because I gather from your posts that you are going to have a hard time separating yourself emotionally from her. 

Things moved pretty quickly or me (she came out to me two months ago, and has been moved out for a week and a half now) and this has helped me to face things without dragging it out. The day she moved out, although I was afraid and felt rushed with it all, was a big turning point for me.  It was the first time I felt like I could look at myself as an individual, not a partner, and the rebuilding of my own life could begin.

Everyone has their own timeframe, and I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to do it, but stay mindful of your path of separation, and try not to get too dependent on the emotional feedback you get from her as she remains supportive of you.  She is ahead of you in her emotional separation, and this is a very difficult place to exist for us who are behind. We crave connection, but need to process the loss of it, and it can become a desparate game where we feed that craving with late night talks, crying, sympathetic hugs and cuddles, hand holding, and ring exchange ceremonies like you are considering.

I think you should definitely do the ceremony if you can, just keep your heart in check.

Good luck, and I look forward to sharing our progress as we move towards a better life.

J

StrongerThanIKnew wrote:

Jaybird wrote:

Unfortunately, now that she is out of the house, I don’t see her and so we don’t talk, and I’m left with nothing to “work on”. I’m just alone now. Alone in a house full of our memories. The sense of loss I feel now that it is quiet is overwhelming. I feel panic and fear. My self esteem is in the toilet. It all seems so unfair that this has happened.

I need to build a new life for myself, but everywhere I look I see the life we built together, only now she is gone. I’m 20% into a major remodel that we dreamed up together. I have bookshelves of photo albums and I’m sleeping in a bed I built for her.

I’m scared.

J

I disagree. You do have something to work on. Something very important. YOU! Rediscovering  yourself again is hard but also very rewarding. As you get to know yourself again, you will find that sense of loss that is now so overwhelming will start to fade. 

I used to say that I felt like I had that dark cartoon cloud over my head all the time. Sometimes it would settle in really low and it was so overwhelming that I couldn't do anything because I couldn't see past the cloud. Other times it would settle right over my head. Then at times, it was pretty high in the sky. Still there, but not casting much of a shadow on my life. One day, though, I realized the cloud was gone. It had dissipated. 

I'm sure it will be the same for you.

Hang in there.
 

+1. Work on you is great advice. 

  Though I will I say I thought ‘wow’ when I read about your ritual etc.  I think I had a similar ambitions as yours when it first happened. The reality was a very different experience. There is something about the way it ended and how they behaved that would make ceremonies etc a mockery.   But most importantly that doesn’t matter and Im very happy I’m not with her anymore.