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January 4, 2019 8:22 am  #1


Any point to trial MOM

I am thinking of the pros and cons to giving a M.O.M. a try, even though it feels it would be on a short-term, or trial, basis.
Finanacially it makes more sense for us to stay together for now, and we get a long quite well. We co-parent good, and treat each other decently. She is even loving and affectionate much of the time. She has went no contact with the affair partner. She says she is willing to wait to find someone else to "date" until I am ready to explore an open marriage (I'm not sure if I will ever actually want that.)
All in all life is good right now, so some days I think why not just take it day by day and keep going as is for the time being. It feels like there would always be the option to stop and leave if things seemed to be heading into a direction I don't want to go.

I know there is the possibility of her reconnecting with the OW, or getting attached to a new person and that would hurt. But I feel like my eyes are open wide at this point, so I feel like I would notice if anything was progressing in that direction. Although, I don't know how long I will want to act like the marriage police investigation force, always checking behind her to make myself feel better about things.

I feel like there are questions I need to ask to see what her perspective on this is, what goals is she looking for. To see if what she wants and expects can be in line with what I want and expect. She is a blunt person so I believe she would be honest about specific questions.

 

 

January 4, 2019 1:26 pm  #2


Re: Any point to trial MOM

If you give your partner/wife/husband an inch....they will take a mile.

Once you agree to a MOM you have to be very distinct and adamant about what you mean....
But once you agree to it, and you're in it...there's no going back. It will change the dynamics of your r'ship so much that you will no longer be who either of you were before.

You can't give a person something they want...then decide they can't have it...just because YOU think it might save the r'ship.

Honestly Season...decide how you want your life, and don't waver from it.

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 7, 2019 4:06 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 4, 2019 3:42 pm  #3


Re: Any point to trial MOM

In the USA in many states the law allows "no-fault divorce" but if where you live still  requires grounds you probably will find that you have lost the adultery ground if you have condoned it. (Of course in some places adultery laws only apply to opposite-sex affairs...)

I suggest finding out what the divorce laws are where you live before trying an open marriage.

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

January 4, 2019 6:52 pm  #4


Re: Any point to trial MOM

Hi Season,
I'm in a MOM, though my partner is GID or BID (gay or bi in denial).  We don't have any sort of agreement as to how our relationship works because he won't discuss it.  But I've stated my boundaries and the consequences for crossing them.  
That said you can do a MOM if both people are in agreement.  What does your partner think, does she want a MOM?
i recommend you join MMOMW on yahoo groups.  Read and post there and you'll learn and get support for this type of relationship. 
Vicky


 
 

January 7, 2019 3:58 pm  #5


Re: Any point to trial MOM

You wrote: "All in all life is good right now, so some days I think why not just take it day by day and keep going as is for the time being." 

There have been MANY tough days that this kind of thinking has kept me going. I think of it as dealing with what is in my headlights... you can make the whole journey at night, never seeing further than just a few feet ahead of you; as long as you don't go faster than your reflexes can handle, you can cover a lot of ground over time just by dealing with what appears right in front of you.

I just want to clarify... a MOM is not the same as an open marriage. My MOM is monogamous and so are many others.

Regarding an open marriage: this option really is only workable IF both parties REALLY feel safe and secure in their primary relationship. This is NOT something to try as a "Hail Mary" or last resort... it's only going to work if both partners are really in tune with each other and know in their hearts that their connection is 100% rock solid. Trying this after an affair is even more tenuous... you both have to do a lot of work to make sure you know how the affair came about, the betraying partner needs to fully embrace their responsibility and demonstrate true remorse, trust needs to be rebuilt from the ground up, and you both need to find ways to avoid creating a similar situation in the future. It's not impossible, but it's a hard row to hoe and you are to be commended for being willing to tackle it!

One other thing my GH and I have started doing to improve things has been to treat each night as if it were our last night together... it's a form of mindfulness that keeps us from taking each other for granted, because one of these days, it really WILL be our last night together. We do a crossword together, sometimes share a little bowl of ice cream, go over our past day and our plans for the next, journal, turn on this silly little disco light and listen to some spacey music to wind down, he'll brush my hair, I'll give him a back rub, sometimes he'll paint my toenails for me, once in a while he'll let me paint his too (LOL, sounds like a slumber party, doesn't it? That's what we call it sometimes, too!). It has added a layer of sweetness and presence that I think we were missing before. Even if we don't stay together for the long term, it is making our day-to-day lives a lot better by making each other feel appreciated and listened to and cared for; I feel that if we do separate, it will be done as kindly and respectfully as possible precisely because we have invested this kind of energy into our friendship.

That's just our little ritual... maybe for you two, it's bonding over your morning coffee, or sitting down to a homemade dinner each night, or some other special thing you two do together every day that is sacred and special just for you. Find that thing and nurture it, make it sacrosanct and put it ahead of other commitments, turn off your phones and the TV and just focus on the things that made you fall in love in the first place.

 

January 9, 2019 1:47 pm  #6


Re: Any point to trial MOM

Good points Ellexoh.
The more we talk about it the less appealing it seems to be. There are ideal situations in my head that I could see working out, but in reality I don't feel that it will work out for us. I think the "give an inch" metaphor is right, and I don't see myself being able to trust her enough to feel safe and not be in a constant state of worry and paranoia. She didn't respect our marriage vows and put importance on our family above her desires, how can I believe that she would respect any of the stipulations we decide on for a MOM Open Relationship agreement?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

If you give your partner/wife/husband an inch....they will take a mile.

Once you agree to a MOM you have to be very distinct and adamant about what you mean....
But once you agree to it, and you're in it...there's no going back. It will change the dynamics of your r'ship so much that you will no longer be who either of you were before.

Honestly Season...decide how you want your life, and don't waver from it.

 

     Thread Starter
 

January 17, 2019 7:59 am  #7


Re: Any point to trial MOM

Hi, new here, but going through a lot of the same questioning about MOM.

Wife says she loves me, that I am her best friend and she wants to grow old with me. That she would have left years ago (we have 13 under the belt) if she was done. We are still sexually active. We have young children (5 and 10 mos) and parent well together. I was surprised, but not shocked. I knew she had dated women in college. I thought we could handle anything together as a team. Even her being lesbian (or bisexual).

What I am not sure I can handle is the girlfriend. My wife acknowledges her selfishness, but is, at the end of the day, willing to cause me great pain over the affair. It isn't even an affair anymore, she wants this person to be a permanent peripheral part of our marriage. This woman is thinking about buying a home near us. Wife wants me to meet this person. I can't imagine anything I'd rather do less. I want that person to be a nebulous shape, a phantom, an unrealized fantasy. This woman cannot be allowed to just walk into my world and fast-track sharing the joy my children bring. It's agonizing for me to think that wife is going to introduce this person to my children. As what? 

Wife says she does not want me at the exclusion of girlfriend nor girlfriend at the exclusion of me. That this is not a sexual fling - that she loves me deeply but is also in love with this other person and needs this to be to "be a whole person." That she never wanted to be a housewife in the suburbs - she needs more and she and the girlfriend are planning trips all over the world (which I suppose I have to help pay for because I am the primary breadwinner?)

She keeps calling it "self care" - that she's stopped feeling repressed anger at me for failing to meet her unmet needs because she is choosing to meet her own needs first. She tells me that this arrangement gives her space to love me fully without resentment. It is true that she has been more affectionate with me than she has in years, but I feel so much suspicion that this is all manipulative bullshit to keep using me for my paycheck and to keep up the house in the suburbs and provide free childcare while she has wild sex with this woman in a yurt in the woods over her birthday weekend until the woman moves here and gets settled. 

We have started seeing a marriage counselor, and seeking individual therapy, as well. I always knew my wife was selfish and spoiled and made rash, snap decisions without considering the consequences, but those idiosyncrasies never carried so much weight before.  I think she may actually believe what she says, but I don't know how I am supposed to say yes to this. 

If we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be twisting in the wind. But my kids are my light and my life, and she's offering a way I can remain a daily part of their lives. All I have to sacrifice is my dignity and feelings of self-worth.

 

 

January 17, 2019 11:23 am  #8


Re: Any point to trial MOM

Joe,

I’m sorry you find yourself here. None of us do. Reading your story, I see a lot of commonalities. They all say they are our best friend. She probably was and still is. But think about it, would a best friend, a person who loves you, make you feel where you are? And you should be thankful that she didn’t leave you years ago?

Looking from outside, I think that she is really leaving you for the other woman to be honest. This arrangement is only in her benefit to have two houses, her children, your support and her partner.

When you say she’s more affectionate, how is that? Are you guys still sexually active as well? Is the new girlfriend ok with that? How’s that going to slowly change once they become an actual couple?

Set your own boundaries. You said what she wants and what makes her happy. Now think about what makes you happy. So is she ok with you also bringing a new girlfriend to your life to meet your needs then? What is it that you want from your marriage and your wife.

If you’re not happy with the situation you can also say, it’s all moving so fast and she needs to give you time to decide if it’s working for you.

Last edited by Mimi (January 17, 2019 11:24 am)

 

January 17, 2019 12:49 pm  #9


Re: Any point to trial MOM

Joe, so much of what you said rings true in my situation. Especially the part of knowing my wife was always kind of selfish, spoiled, and that she makes decisions without much concern for the consequences. I always felt safe with her though, because I thought there was always a line she wouldn't cross. Since TGT, she has crossed that line.

I understand where you are coming from when you say that it makes you want to consider a MOM to remain a daily part of your kids lives. I do think that Mimi may be onto something though. Even though every situation is different, many times it seems that there is a gradual shift from the gay spouse away from the husband and towards the affair partner. So if your wife is being affectionate and kind to you now, that may change the closer she gets with her new love. It might be cold and calculating (where she is using you as long as she can to let her plan unfold in the way that benefits her the most) or it could just be that the closer she gets with her lesbian cheater girlfriend, she feels less inclined to show you love. There also could very likely be pressure from the other woman that causes her to be less affectionate, loving, and sexual to you.

One thing that I keep coming back to is that I didn't sign up for this. We made vows to love, cherish, and honor each other above everyone else. That is not what is happening now. So I feel that staying in a MOM is me compromising all of my values and basically "playing along with" her insanity. I would not want to publicly stand up and applaud my wife for choosing to have sex with other people, date them, and fall in love with them. So why should I privately be okay with it?

I love my children very much, and would do anything for them. But I don't think modeling a dysfunctional relationship is in their best interest. I need to show them that they deserve to be with someone who loves them completely at the exclusion of everyone else. And if their partner ever deviates from that, they should respect themselves and leave.


Joe_in_Maine wrote:

We have started seeing a marriage counselor, and seeking individual therapy, as well. I always knew my wife was selfish and spoiled and made rash, snap decisions without considering the consequences, but those idiosyncrasies never carried so much weight before.  I think she may actually believe what she says, but I don't know how I am supposed to say yes to this. 

 

 

     Thread Starter
 

January 17, 2019 6:46 pm  #10


Re: Any point to trial MOM

Joe_in_Maine wrote:

.......Wife says she does not want me at the exclusion of girlfriend nor girlfriend at the exclusion of me. That this is not a sexual fling - that she loves me deeply but is also in love with this other person and needs this to be to "be a whole person".... 

Joe, can you imagine for a moment...and loving her the way you do.....if you felt latent desire for men (it's a hard ask but try to put yourself in her place, where she's loving you and loving another person)......you may want to keep both as well. Anyway this is how I think our spouses must feel, having the ability to love 2 people, and not wanting/willing, at the beginning, to imagine life without either.
But you don't...feel desire for men....so will never understand fully how she feels. As hard as it may be you'll have to start thinking of yourself first....which it sounds like she's been doing for a while and is way ahead of you.

The only thing this arrangement gives her is the time and space to have her cake and eat it too!!!
A woman who's planning overseas trips etc.....sounds to me like she's already left the r'ship you have with her. 

Don't enter into a MOM simply to try and keep her. It's not fair on you. 

 


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