All of their actions make sense if you remember what their single largest character flaw is:   Selfishness!

Remember that these people are supremely selfish.  They are happy to use each of us, their spouses to hide their true selves and create a life they wish the world to see.  They will then be able to indulge in secret in what they truly desire.  They have been lying to themselves and dishonest with us, so why would they not continue to lie to us directly?  Of course they are OK with cheating on us.  They only care about making themselves happy, we are simply a tool they use to reach their goal or to avoid the truth coming out. 

Throw out the logic that exists in your brain..  It doesn't exist for them.  Concepts like compassion and honesty and caring more about your spouse than yourself are null and void.  

If you want to understand their actions, pretend to be only selfish and forget about integrity and you will start to see why they lie to us and cheat on us. 

FML wrote:

......he certainly does not seem to have any real appreciation for how much he has turned my world upside down, although I know it does pain him to see my hurt.  He still seems exasperated every time he calls and I don't answer the phone cheerily enough or a new day begins and he sees that everything is not magically okay again, because "he has stated that he still wants to be with me" and apparently that should be enough for me.  He seems to feel I should be over it now and that it is time to move on.  There seems to be a perception that I am punishing him because I can't accept what he says to me as truth any longer, and he doesn't understand why this is now a challenge for me........

 

These parts of your post stood out for me, especially He seems to feel I should be over it now and that it's time to move on
 

Phoenix, you are definitely right about the selfishness.
I was talking to a friend recently and I mentioned that there is nothing that I could ever imagine happening that would cause me to cheat on my spouse, discard my marriage and children. If I "discovered" that I could only be sexually attracted to black women that were at least 7 feet tall, I would not begin making plans to destroy my family based on this discovery. I definitely wouldn't allow myself to cheat "to see if this was true" or to "prove it's not true." 
 

Lonelyhc,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems that your journey has just started, so has mine, and a nightmare is a good way to describe the feeling of being trapped and not having a clue of when, or how, it will end ( I woke up at 4 am today and can’t go back to sleep)

I relate so much to your story, the number of years, the timeline, and specially the soulmates part. My STBE and I thought our love was cosmic, from another planet, so strong, best friends. I have never loved anybody like him, and I have definitely felt deeply loved, we have a 10/month old daughter product of that love.  He also told me very recently that he can not be intimate with me, and that he is gay. When he said it to me, he did not want to break up, he kept on saying that I complete him and I am his soulmate, that he is in love with me. I still think our love was cosmic, but like you, I want to be loved as a whole, I don’t need my life to be compartimentalized and be repressing my love and feelings to not show my sexuality around him. Our spouses become extremely good at compartimentalizing, and though it’s a good skill to have in other areas, you should be able to feel whole, love whole and be wanted as a whole. I think it is so hard to reconcile that deep love with the fact that he is gay, and all that being gay means and entitles, it is being extremely challenging and painful for me.

I have decided that to cuestion our love is pointless, it does not help me move forward, but accepting the ever changing nature of life will. In this case is like acepting that your marriage has been ripped off by a tornado, from one moment to the next, and it will never be back to what it was. That is some MASSIVE accepting to do on our part, so much it seems impossible. In fact it’s impossible at the beginning, specially if we Cant take it one small thing at a time, one breath, one day, one night. Seeing the bigger picture hurts because it is like staring to something really ugly and traumatic.
 
From an outside perspective I can see you are confused, but very strong and trusting your intuition, needs and feelings. I think it is remarkable that you already took action and he is out of the house, that is wise and very brave. Keep on trusting yourself, and seeing what can make you feel better, this moment, this day ( what can help you sleep better, stop crying, breath better, etcetera) one day at a time.
Realize how much power to decide you have, you are already using it, and though your mind is telling I wish he would apologize, your soul feels calmer not living with him, and you listened and took action.

The contradiction to me is that I don’t want this, I also want to wake up, but I don’t want what we had before either, it was not complete and I deserve better.

I started going to the Ssn group in my city, just one time, and I can already tell is going to help. Do you have one where you live? It was powerful to see people that went through it many years ago, made it and their lifes are good or even better now. Time and patience will be our allies. Try to keep on finding yourself in the middle of this blinding storm, you are not this, you are going through it but don’t let it define you. Be with your loved ones, talk lots about it if you need, and treat yourself as if you were a baby you deeply love (I am starting to eat the food I make for my daughter because I realized I was not eating much or well at all, but I was like a non stop great cafeteria for her!)

Long post just to tell you that you can do this, we are here to listen, and to take it one day at a time. I am practicing self love, trying to be more independent and reconnecting with myself again. Sending lots of good healing vibes your way.