I wanted to remain friends but she and her new wife moved across the country. And... Now that I am looking at retirement, the fact that she walked away with half of 27 years of my pension has made me angry. I was the one out working in the blazing heat or freezing cold. I should be able to share my pension with the wife I will retire with. We are not friends.

I am having a similar situation with my GH, ITC, TransH. I'm not sure we can predict how our relationships will unfold post separation or divorce. The primary concern is ourselves. I for one, am working on co-dependency to learn how to uncouple and choose healthier relationships for myself. Will my ex remain my friend, I hope so - because we will have to communicate about support arrangements and so forth. However, I'm happy to realize that my new life is in front of me. The confusing, dramatic stuff that makes up my spouses hiding for so many years and change of sexual orientation is not my issue anymore, (thank goodness) since I've decided to leave, relocate and divorce. With children it is harder, however the family dynamic will have to find a new home. For your own relief, is to focus on your life, new friends, home, support system and release your spouse along with the confusion. There is no one fast answer. You have to know your own boundaries and stick to them. If your expectation is to be in a relationship and marriage with a heterosexual, then that is what you should focus on. You don't need to change to  preserve what you had!

Last edited by EliciousATL (December 14, 2018 5:20 pm)

We have talked about remaining friends. It is something that we both really want. We feel strongly about it at this point. We have discussed and agreed that if she finds someone and they don’t approve of our friendship or try to drive a wedge between us and our daughter she would not be with them anymore. I agreed to follow the same course of action, although I am nowhere close to looking for a new relationship.

I find it amazing, but from reading here very common, that she is so far ahead of where I am. She has been thinking about this for a long time. She is ready to get out there and date women, but has no idea where to find them. She wants to start in the next few months. This just happened for me and I’m still shell shocked by the bomb dropped on me. WTF

Last edited by Zoso (December 14, 2018 7:15 pm)

Getting to the point of recognising she has been thinking about it for a long time and preparing for this is a very good place to be.

Talking with the relevant experts will help (in that I include a good parent or family member or excellent friend as well as professional advisors such as a family court lawyer).  If you have your own idea of what the details of the financial separation should look like then you have a way of measuring what your wife is suggesting for the split.

I was super lucky with my lawyer.  She is someone I consider a friend to this day - not in daily life but in what she did for me.  She stood up for me when I could not.  Looking back I can see that without her help I would have come off really badly in the divorce and I have seen that happen with other people and it is a miserable kick in the guts that you just don't need.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Zoso, yes, I totally understand - anguish is a true description.  Totally sympathise.  It's real.  Real pain and so that is how I respond - give you whatever help I can to help yourself.  One day I fell off my bike and entered a world of pain and was still in it when I woke up in the broken bones ward, it took a while for the pain relief to get a hold of it.  First of all I tried to meditate, but quickly realised there was no way out of the pain, I needed to hang in and be there with myself.  I lay there and listened to the screaming moans coming from a man in a nearby ward and knew he was lost in the pain and was glad I had hung in to help myself.

it will get better.  promise.  a lot better with some time.  you will be fine, you are hanging in really well.

wishing you all the best, Lily