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December 7, 2018 10:53 pm  #1


Finally letting myself feel

I found this site 2 days ago. I have a long, complicated story with my husband of 26 years. I have been mostly numb for the last 15 years. I really have not shared anything about my marriage except small snippets to close a few close friends who push me because they tell me I am so closed off and sad. I am too embarrassed to share the detail, and I fear that once I do I will fall off the edge of a cliff and wont be able to pull myself back up. I am afraid to let things be in the open for fear that my boys, 22 and 25, will have their world turned upside down and think differently of their father. I cant bring myself to hurt my husband by telling anyone....there are many reasons why....his family is insensitive and hurtful with words and actions. I have felt like I needed to be his protector form their emotional abuse for the entirety of our marriage.
!5 years ago I found some pictures of my husband's genitals on our home computer, and found emails in which he sent them to men on Craigslist. I was shock and crushed, devastated of course.I now look back at that younger version of me and wish I had her anger and indignation at the situation still. I contemplated leaving but did not after lengthy pleading on my husbands part, that it was a reaction to financial stress and emotional abuse from his mother and step-father, both of which we truly did have.
Over the years, 3 more times I found the same evidence. Each time I stayed. I can't blame him for that. He pleaded and cried. But I was the one who stayed and pushed the pain,anger,and disappointment away. Stuffed it inside until I felt completely numb. We had very shallow sex life. I threw myself into raising my boys, working as a preschool teacher for the last 25 years, and trying to survive our constant state of financial turmoil.
Last year, after both my boys moved out on their own, I had an affair with a man I met at a community college class I took to get my real estate license. My husband found out, confronted me in anger, told his entire family and my two sons, and then told me he forgives me and wants me to stay with him. I have extreme guilt over the affair. I have so much anger towards him for the years of not feeling wanted. And I have now lost the respect of my sons and have hate mail from my in-laws.
I was not raised to air my dirty laundry or to feel sorry for myself ...so it is hard for me to tell this story. I feels like I am complaining or looking for attention. But I am hoping it will help to me to share. 

 

December 8, 2018 5:16 am  #2


Re: Finally letting myself feel

Irish Eyes, 
    I'm so sorry you've endured the abuse of living with a closeted gay man all those years, and the humiliation, after keeping his secret for so long, of having your own behavior aired in public, all so he could assuage his own guilt over his behavior, and, I wouldn't be surprised, to get the upper hand over you in order to bind you more tightly in his closet.  
   Twenty-six years of marriage to a closeted gay man, fifteen of them knowingly, keeping his secret from others while enduring the humiliation of knowing he can never love you as a husband should, takes a cruel toll.  It is very hard to open up, but you have found the right place to do that.  You are safe here.  We understand. 

 

December 8, 2018 5:59 am  #3


Re: Finally letting myself feel

I’m so sorry you are living with this Irisheyes. I do hope we can help you open up here, sometimes we do need to fall off that cliff for things to start to get better. I think it was incredibly cruel of your husband to shout to everyone about your affair (after sexually and emotionally neglecting you over and over and over) when he was doing far far far worse over and over. I’m afraid he sounds like a master manipulator doing this and all those “don’t leave me” episodes.

Your children are grown adults now. You deserve not to hide and suffer anymore. If their view of him changes then that is only in response to the truth, and nothing is more important to our souls than to be able to live in truth.

Please know you’re not alone, you will get lots of support here.

 

December 8, 2018 6:38 am  #4


Re: Finally letting myself feel

It is eerie, the similarities that occur in our stories.  That feeling of going over a cliff.  When I finally went over it I kept on thinking about feathers floating on the breeze and feather mattresses to land on - I do so agree with Duped sometimes it's what you need to do - take the fall.

And I also do agree he sounds highly manipulative - boy he can bung in on can't he.  

The same thing happened to me - eventually I had an affair and admitted to it and got held up for disapproval endlessly - looking back I can see he didn't feel jealous or anything of that nature, it was meat and potatoes with an extra helping of gravy for him, I simply had no idea how manipulative he was or how pitiless - he had a field day.  I suffered and hurt and suffered and hurt.

I didn't know he was a closet gay at the time.  He got me feeling 100% guilty.  So my suggestion to you is hang onto whatever percentage of you is saying damn I'm proud of myself for having the guts to have an affair and aren't I gorgeous for doing it.

wishing you all the very best, Lily
 

 

December 8, 2018 7:05 am  #5


Re: Finally letting myself feel

Wow...talk about hypocritical. I would have a hard time holding back the information from his family that the reason you strayed is because he is gay and you've had zero intimacy in years while he's been trolling the internet for porn and hookups. 

I think 26 years is enough. It's time you did something for yourself. I understand why you don't want to out him as I'm not particularly wanting to out my husband either but that doesn't mean you have to stay in this marriage.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs.

 

December 8, 2018 8:48 am  #6


Re: Finally letting myself feel

Before you head off the cliff I suggest that you gather all your financial records and consult an attorney or attorneys to get a sense of how you can best land. When you tell your sons you are leaving do not be surprised if one or both already know his about his activities. After my ex came out of the closet because he had met the man he thought was the love of his life one son told me that he was not surprised because he had seen gay porn on the family computer years ago and knew it was not his brother's.

My children also were adults and while we can wish we'd gotten our freedom years ago it is better to look forward rather than backwards. Since you mention financial turmoil you will want your attorney to help you figure out what problems will follow you out of the marriage and which may be his alone.as well as what assets you may receive. If you don't already have separate checking and savings accounts now is a good time to start them so that he can't track your activities. If he's making financial messes the attorney can advise on how to try to limit them and your exposure.

Take screen shots off his computer sexual stuff that he would not want his family to see (and which he will try to delete once he gets wind that you are preparing to leave him). You don't have to use it to out him but having the evidence should make you feel empowered.

As I have posted here before, I did not realize how diminished I was until I was on my own. If you do not already have a counselor finding an experienced one to help you reclaim yourself can make the recovery process smoother. Believe me, living in a closet with someone is suffocating.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

December 8, 2018 9:13 am  #7


Re: Finally letting myself feel

IrishEyes, my heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry that you have had to endure a lifetime of discard and abuse at the hands of your husband.

Do you have anyone that you can talk to? I totally get not wanting to talk about things because you want to protect your husband's reputation (although he made it clear that he did not care one whit about protecting yours) and also that you worry about the flood gates that may open once you do start talking about it. Putting things into words and speaking them out loud to someone always make everything seem more real, so I get not wanting to do that. However, you will never begin to heal until you do make it real. You have already traded 26 years (15 of those years you did so knowingly) of your needs and happiness to protect your husband and his closet. You have raised your kids and sent them out into the world as productive citizens. It is time to make yourself a priority because, sadly, no one else will. 

So, your post is unclear ..... is there an end goal for you? Do you want to leave? Or did you just not want to feel as if you are going through this on your own? Do you need help with an exit plan or support to see it through? Or just a listening ear?

Let us help you reclaim yourself.

 

December 11, 2018 7:09 pm  #8


Re: Finally letting myself feel

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I do need to gather my financial records and start planning for a separation. I did recently open a separate bank account, which I have never had since getting married. It seems so foolish now that I see it written out. I guess that is one of the worst feeling to come of this...feeling so foolish for so many things. 
I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I still love and care about my husband. Even with the anger and rage, I care about him and am afraid that he will hurt himself or become the verbal punching bag for his horrible family. That's where my dilemma is as well.
I appologize for the long delay in responding to all of you. I was not alone much this weekend to have time to write what I wanted to.Thank you again. This helps me so much!

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