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December 7, 2018 10:26 am  #11


Re: Devastated

Hi Zoso

You need to take care of yourself first to be able to take care of your children and worry about your wife. If sleeping in the same bed helps you then do it. Do everything step by step. I still sleep in the same bed as my husband. I found out a month ago and he’s in denial even though I caught him. He is dealing with an illness as well so I want to also take care of him while figuring out what to do. I feel you. It’s like loosing a part of yourself, because they are our best friends and now it’s like grieving a lost one. It’s worse than death.
Remember that better days will come. Do a better research on how people tell their children about this. Reading all stories I’ve found out that children will take it a lot better than expected. Gender and sexual orientation is a topic at schools. They have friends with gay parents I’m sure.
Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. And we’re here for you!

Last edited by Mimi (December 7, 2018 10:37 am)

 

December 7, 2018 10:39 am  #12


Re: Devastated

Hi Zoso, 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  I can relate to everything you have talked about as I went through them as well. 

I used to crave close physical touch with my ex as well during our divorce period.  That's just how some of us are wired.  That physical touch was my comfort when times were good and I craved it when times were bad - even though things were different.  I didn't want sex with her, but I wanted to be held and cuddled and be close to her.  
The truth is - the sooner you physically separate from her, the better.  Prolonging that physical touch makes it take longer to heal.   BUT in practical terms.. you just need to figure out how to survive this first segment of the journey.  If hugs and sitting next to her and putting your arm around her help you get through the first 90 days.. do it.  

Let us know how we can help!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 7, 2018 2:15 pm  #13


Re: Devastated

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Trying to find the "right" way to deal with such an issue is difficult but you have to do what feels right for you. My husband is in serious denial. He wants to stay married and he envisions us together enjoying retirement. Um...no thanks, not interesting in staying with someone who, although he loves me, doesn't love me as a husband should. 

I am still sharing a bed with him. He offered to move out but my ultimate plan is to move into an inlaw apartment that is part of my house. That way my kids get to stay in their own house, rooms, etc and not move to a new town, school, etc in high school. In 3 years my youngest will graduate. At that point I want to sell the house and go our separate ways.

Anyway, as you can see by all the posts, there are different options for everyone. Sending you support and hugs. 

 

December 8, 2018 9:16 am  #14


Re: Devastated

We had a good day yesterday. We have a tradition that take our daughter and my youngest son from my previous marriage to this time of year. For that brief amount of time I felt whole, we shared laughs and hugs. It was, at least for me, like nothing ever happened like I was lost in my own little fantasyland. It was great....then a wave of panic went right through me. Deep difficult breaths for a few moments. She noticed and asked me what was wrong. Mixed company so I texted her that I had a sudden rush thinking what if we are not together this time next year, what will I do, I had no answer only emptiness. She replied everything will be ok, we will always have our traditions.

I talked to her about it in bed and thanked her, for the day. She said we will always continue these traditions, she could never see herself not being a part of my life as long as I will have her, but only as a friend.

I told her that she loved me deeply once before, the passionate love that comes from your core,that maybe one day she will feel it again. This is how I still feel for her.

Is this normal, am I crazy for thinking that there is something, anything that will find her coming back to me.

     Thread Starter
 

December 8, 2018 1:01 pm  #15


Re: Devastated

It's normal to wish for that but is it likely? How long do you want to warm the bench, wondering if you'll get back into the starting lineup? Is it fair to hang about, maybe as just the safe port in the relationship storm until she's ready to head back into the open seas again?

Since you share children there will always be those events that bring you together periodically but is that a relationship? What happens if it becomes only something you do on a birthday, Christmas, Father's and Mother's Days and the occasional school related event? I would suggest that you are more deserving of a fulfilled life than awaiting the next 'family' event 8 or 12 weeks down the road. I know it might be hard to imagine a different future but it is out there. We only live once, you shouldn't spend yours waiting for her to reconsider when it seems she has already said that friendship is all that's on the table. You won't go from 0 to 100 in one step. Take it one day at a time but once you start moving, you'll suddenly notice your speed is increasing.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 8, 2018 1:20 pm  #16


Re: Devastated

Thank you I understand what you are saying. I went through a divorce with my first wife, and I know life is out there because of my current wife. This time is different though, we are kindred spirits. I am having a much harder time with this than the first time. Maybe after we tell family and friends it will seem like reality as for now I keep thinking this isn’t happening.

     Thread Starter
 

December 16, 2018 9:43 pm  #17


Re: Devastated

Lately I have been having more bad days than good. I don’t know if their normal for this process. The more I look to the future the more uncertain it feels. I will have random panic attacks, I don’t know where to turn, so I turn to my wife and she helps me through them. I feel it’s a sign of weakness, but I can’t control it. I am nun uncharted territory. Has anyone else been here? I’m  looking for some guidance.

     Thread Starter
 

December 16, 2018 10:47 pm  #18


Re: Devastated

Zoso wrote:

Lately I have been having more bad days than good. I don’t know if their normal for this process. The more I look to the future the more uncertain it feels. I will have random panic attacks, I don’t know where to turn, so I turn to my wife and she helps me through them. I feel it’s a sign of weakness, but I can’t control it. I am nun uncharted territory. Has anyone else been here? I’m looking for some guidance.

Yes, Zoso ..you need to build a support system,  family, friends, priest, psychiatrist, therapist.       Those panic attacks will not help you make good decisions or take care of you kids... You should seek help for that.


Sadly,  your wife is really not the person to support you on this journey..   Its like asking a robber for comfort after he robs you...he can give comfort... but the reality is he is the cause of your panic attacks.

Slow steps building your support system..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 17, 2018 10:43 am  #19


Re: Devastated

It is terrible the way the gay/straight marriage saps the strength of the straight.

I had never had a panic attack in my life but not long after the discovery I was at a friends house and getting ready to go home and the next thing I know I am thinking I might be having a heart attack but my friend sat and looked for a while and then she said I think it's a panic attack and gave me a quarter of a valium tablet and said take this and if it works then that's what you had.

It worked.  omg, I had had a panic attack.  Now I know it is a common response amongst us straights.

I had been living with my ex for nearly 40 years, he had already gone from being my 'teddybear' that I could sleep beside and feel comforted and protected by to me needing separate beds and this was before discovery.

Me, I cuddle my pillow, really  - it can be very comforting, like having a real teddybear.  The quarter of a tab of valium was plenty to calm me down.  I did not need another dose the next day.  If you have something like that, I still have the same bottle I got 6 years ago, you know you can calm your emotions if you need it but don't feel like you need to go and get medication prescribed as a constant.  There is nothing wrong with you, you will be better when you are not in a toxic relationship.

sorry.  

wishing you all the best.

 

December 17, 2018 3:54 pm  #20


Re: Devastated

Zoso, 
I'm so sorry you are here.  I know that pain of thinking the person is your 'Everything" and them turning away from you.  It is a confusing time for sure. Keep posting and venting your feelings here.  That is the best thing I think, getting it out, getting some support from those who know this situation all too well.  It is just hard.  Be kind to yourself and know that you will survive.  I think trying to pretend for the sake of children must add pain to the situation.  I couldn't.  I exploded with it after a while, but my sons were adults.   I don't think there is a 'right' way to tell kids, but some are able to be very good about it.  Best wishes. 
 

 

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