Hi Dave.  
Welcome to our forum.  As you will hear many times..  I'm so sorry you have to be here.  
But, since you are here, I hope we can be very helpful and supportive and make your journey easier. 

First..  it's not your fault!!!     I'll tell you that in both this thread and the other one because it's really important.  You are not perfect... none of are (though I am pretty close..  eye-roll).   But you didn't do anything to deserve what is happening.  You clearly cannot control what body parts you were born with and you cannot control what body parts your wife is attracted to.  You didn't cause this, you don't deserve this, and it is NOT your fault.  In fact, you should be proud of how you've stuck with her and tried to work on your marriage since she came out to you.  

I hope you get lots of advice from others.. We have a great group with a very diverse set of perspectives and experience.  I'll share mine and you can take whatever value you can get from any of it. 

1.)  We often say that you don't really start to heal until you've separated and no longer have to see your spouse on a regular, daily basis.  However, for most it's not possible to accomplish this until you are divorced.  The staying with friends idea is a good one, but I would caution you about legal issues that might stem from this.  In many nasty divorces one partner agrees to leave to keep the peace, but then the other claims they have abandoned the home and family and then uses that against them (effectively) in the legal process.  You run a risk of losing some ground in custody of the kids, etc..  
Even though it's hell for you, your kids might value having both parents together for the last period before you split permanently.   There is no easy answer.. but I want you to understand a potential pitfall. 

2.)  You can do what makes you feel best regarding seeing other people.  However I will tell you that I don't recommend you do this yet.  It might make you feel good (and desired), but that is just a short-term band-aid that could harm your recovery.  Most people are not emotionally healthy and ready for a relationship for a while.  It's not really fair to the other person you might date.  You mentioned seeing her with others being hurtful... it definitely was for me.  My advice is to put that off for a while.  Work on getting through this, healing yourself emotionally, gathering some strength before you start to date.  You might think you are ready, but you'll probably find out later you weren't. 

3.)  You absolutely deserve someone who is into you completely. You'll find that person..   You are right about how remaining married can be helpful financially.  But it could also be risky.  She cheated on you, which is basically the ultimate betrayal.  Do you completely trust her?  Do you think she's going to make decisions that benefit you and your future or just her own?  Do you want to be 50% responsible for credit card debts that she could run up without your permission?  What if she spent the money on a girlfriend?  

it's hard to wrap your head around this, but you have to change your assumptions of how she will treat you.  While you were married you made decisions that were in both of your best interest and you cared about what the other person thought about it because you were maintaining a permanent relationship.  That doesn't apply anymore.  She made the decision to find a someone else to spend her future with so her loyalty will be to that person and not to you.  Start thinking of her as your "soon to be ex" and make decisions under that assumption.   When someone shows you their true self through their actions - believe them. 

4.)  Hard to say if you can do this without lawyers.  I would make the attempt, because if you can convince her to play nice you will both save a lot of money.  But - be prepared and have a back up plan in case it doesn't work.  Go visit some attorney's for initial consultations.  Google everything you can find for your state laws on divorce.   When you've got a decent education, sit down with her at the kitchen table and see how much you can agree on right now.  Then you can decide if you think you can do it without attorneys.  Don't be shy in telling her that it'll cost many thousands of dollars each and more time otherwise.  
This is all assuming you don't have millions of dollars to split or very complicated estates, etc..  Please don't think that I am saying attorney's are bad.  I just think that if two people can work it out themselves (with a mediator to help) it's for everyone best.   The mediator is a great idea to help you finalize any last issues and to help you consider things you haven't though of yet.  

5.)  Tell the kids it's not their fault..  tell them this often.  Explain it over and over until they get sick of it.  
Tell them both mommy and daddy still love them both just as much as ever.  What is happening between you doesn't change your relationship with each of them at all.  Tell them everything you can that will remove fear from their lives.   They get to stay in the same house, or spend some time at mommy's new house.  They keep their school and friends and toys and clothes.    
Honestly at that age, kids are selfish.  It's just natural.  They are worried about what will happen to them. So the more you can re-enforce this the better.   
Don't use them against each other. 
You can tell them a watered-down version of the truth.  I did.  I told my kids that I still loved their mom, but she fell in love with another woman and wants to move away from me.   
Younger is better..  they will be just fine.  

If you haven't yet, check out the first-aid kit thread.   You might find some good stuff in there to help yourself start to heal and get through this thing.  

 

I forgot to say that our divorce cost us less than $1,500.00.  We paid that out of joint funds.  So even with a lawyer it doesn't have to be wildly expensive.  We could probably have done it for less if we'd done it ourselves, but I would have come out of the divorce with less, because the lawyer helped clarify how the law defines marital property, and I could take that to my (now)ex and talk to him about that.

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:17 am)

Dave, I went through an extremely similar situation.  We are now divorced, but from the start to finish it took about a year.  We had an amicable divorce and figured most things out on our own. 

1 & 2) We also could not afford two houses, and she did not have a job so it took a while before she could move out.  I found this to be very difficult, because the day to day often seemed very normal. I felt like things were going to be OK and work out, just to be reminded again and again that they would not.  Even though she promised not to see other people while we lived together, she had a hard time fulfilling that promise, and I found myself jealous and angry.  Her moving out was the best thing that helped me move on. 

3) From my understanding, at least in my state, separation and divorce have pretty much the same rules and the process is similar.  I opted for Divorce because I did not want to go through this again. 

4)  We had an amicable divorce. We did all of the research up front, agreed to the child support (there is a calculator for our state) and alimony, and separation of assets.  I then hired an attorney to review everything, write up the papers, and give us instructions on what to do.  I was the plaintiff and represented myself in court.  This saved us a ton of money, doing as much of the leg work as possible.  We were able to do everything for about $2k with the attorney.  In our court, the Judge was very good.  They must do a lot of divorces as they provided a script for me to fill out and read to the Judge.  

5) Our kids were 12 and 10 when we told them we were getting divorced.  We just told them the truth, that their Mom was gay.  We didn't fight, and things seemed normal most of the time, so we wanted them to know the reason so they wouldn't blame themselves.  One was devastated for a while and it broke my heart and the other one was perfectly fine.  They are both great now.