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November 30, 2018 9:17 pm  #1


Husband wanted to CD out for supper

So, this evening, my husband and I were going to go out to eat to a casual restaurant and he wanted to wear his white shirt with the lacy sleeves.  I said no and he asked me why not and I said because it makes me uncomfortable.  I told him I don’t want to change him, but I don’t think I can support this. He went off into this huge rant asking me am I really having a problem with the fabric he’s choosing to wear? It’s just fabric.  It turned into a big thing and what it boils down to is I love him, but I don’t accept him as a BH CDer. 

It’s so painful all the way around.  : (

 

November 30, 2018 10:50 pm  #2


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

Mama,
 A lot of us with CD/trans/autogynephile husbands have heard a version of what your husband is trying to minimize with his "it's just fabric." 
    It's not just fabric.  If it were just fabric, my ex would have been fine with men's satin boxers.  But no, he wanted WOMEN'S satin undies (even the "boy leg" variety).  Because it's NOT about fabric or comfort; don't for a nano-second believe it's about fabric or comfort. 
    What it's really about is the fact that these are the garments that WOMEN wear.   He has a desire to feminize himself, by wearing the clothes ONLY women wear (although not all women wear "lacy sleeves" and are perfectly comfortable in their woman hood without lacy sleeves), and it's only through those kinds of "feminine" attire that he can gratify his desire for himself as a woman.
   It is painful.  
   And it's not going to go away, or get better.  And he's not going to ever be willing to compromise.  
   But you know what?  If you get away from it, your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!  My divorce will have been final three weeks ago tomorrow (Friday), and I am already amazed at how free and easy and happy I am.  I'm so unused to feeling any of those three things that for a a while I thought I must be experiencing something pathological! 

 

December 1, 2018 7:15 am  #3


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

OOHC,
Thank you very much for responding.  I am alway grateful for your posts because I can really relate to them.  In the censorship post, you mentioned the pegging and the double headed dildo so that we can both “enjoy” it.  Both of those things are happening at our house and I can assure you only he is enjoying it!  He wears the lacy panties almost all the time and the ones that have a pouch for the schlong, I call those his dong underwear.  All this only statrted at the beginning of Oct.  I feel like I should leave but it’s so hard and sad. I really appreciate your support.

     Thread Starter
 

December 1, 2018 7:39 am  #4


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

Mama,
    If my story, experience, and insight helps any other woman I'm grateful and glad.  I hope you don't mind if I also tell you that in hindsight I can see that it was the "bedroom activity" that did the most damage to me, precisely because it cut at so intimate a level.  To become a prop in his play while his real focus was on and to himself, to see repeatedly that my heterosexuality was being rejected (and in my case mocked) and my needs denied (and ridiculed), and to be expected to remake my sexuality for his needs, hit me at my core.  I also had to train myself to approach those episodes by dissociating from them, looking at the whole experience while I was engaged in it as if I were observing it and myself, in an effort to protect myself from the hurt.  I later likened that to learning how to act like a prostitute.  I posted several times on the damage done to my sexuality, my femininity, and my sense of myself as a woman, in a thread called something like "how to get my groove back," and all of the trauma of that time comes back to me when I encounter in the media, as I did the other day, articles about 'transwomen," autogynephilic men like my ex, who are "challenging the notion of the female breast" (thanks for that blow, Washington Post; I started reading you in preference to the NYT precisely because the NYT is shoving trans articles and op-eds in my face on an almost daily basis).  
    So if I may from hindsight sincerely offer you advice that if you follow it will save you a lot of pain in the long run, shut those activities down.  Stop being a prop in his sex with himself.  To engage in those activites beats down your sense of self, your sense of yourself as a woman, and makes you more vulnerable to accepting more abusive behavior from your spouse.
    You need to hear and to integrate into yourself these statements:  You are not required to feel as if you have to accommodate sexual requests that make you uncomfortable.  You are not required to gratify desires in your husband, or to feel as if you should, that do damage to yourself and your sense of yourself as a woman and a wife.  You are not required to believe that you must do these things in order to be a good wife.  You are entitled to a relationship of reciprocity, in which your efforts, your consideration, and your care for your spouse are matched by your spouse. 
     And if there's one thing that those of us married to autogynephilic cross-dressing would-be women learn, once our spouses announce these desires and start down this road, it's all about them, and like addicts they are forever chasing the next high, and will use and abuse those who love them to get it.  It is so very hard to accept that this is who they are, but it is.  He isn't going to change.  He isn't going back to who he was.  That person, and the life you had with him, is over.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 1, 2018 7:50 am)

 

December 1, 2018 8:55 am  #5


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

The it’s just fabric line.  I got the it’s just clothes line more than once.  If it’s just that, then why are men’s clothes not ok?  My STBX told me that if there were 2 pairs of socks that looked exactly the same but one was women’s and the other men’s, he’d want the women’s.  I knew then it wasn’t “just clothes” or “just fabric”.  Then the conversation that he couldn’t promise he wouldn’t want to transition some day came out.  I knew then my marriage was done unless a miracle happened.  As a Christian I still pray for this but also realize he abandoned what our marriage was and should be.

I’m still sad looking at the craziness that has become my life.  I had a good marriage for quite some time.  I still question so much of the past.  He’s been in sex therapy for 2 years for compulsive masturbation/ porn addiction.  His sex therapist is very pro-LGBTQ so I often wonder if that escalated things.  The pegging crap he also attempted to bring into our life which I never allowed.  I knew I would hate him and myself if I ever did that.  I’m not sure we will ever understand the compulsion, but until society admits it’s a mental disorder and starts treating it as such we will see much more of this!  Keep your boundaries in place and definitely take care of yourself.

 

December 1, 2018 9:24 am  #6


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

Mama, I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this. None of us do. I have to ask though what is the BH mean in BH CDer. "Bad husband" is now stuck in my head and I can't think of anything else.  

Unfortunately, you will get the "It's just _______ " line more and more as he moves forward with his transition. At least I did. And each time it felt as if I was losing a little bit more of my husband. The last year we lived together I spent as much time as possible out of the house or in another room. I couldn't even look at my husband because it just hurt too much. Her actions lingered though even when she wasn't here. The clothes in our closet. The lipstick mark she would leave on the glasses she drank from. It just seemed there was always a constant reminder of my new reality and also what I had lost. Truly, it wasn't until she moved out that I had peace again.

 

ShockedMamaOf2 wrote:

, you mentioned the pegging and the double headed dildo so that we can both “enjoy” it. Both of those things are happening at our house and I can assure you only he is enjoying it!

This part of your post I find disturbing though. Please, please, please put a stop to these things. You clearly aren't enjoying it, so don't allow him to use you for his pleasure. The cost will be far too great, and you are the only one who will bear it. Also, as OOHC mentioned, it will never be enough. Once this high wears off, he will move onto the next thing.

I am so sorry you are going through all this.

I hope you can find peace soon.

 

 

December 1, 2018 2:00 pm  #7


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

Stronger Than I Knew,
Bad Husband? Lol 😉 I said BH meaning Bisexual Husband.  He admitted to having MANY male encounters before we met but he didn’t think it was relevant to tell me before we got married. ( insert eye rolls here).  He first kissed the neighbor boy when he was 10. In high school, him an another guy exchanged oral sex. As an adult, he found men on hook up sites and had a regular that he’d go see for a few years! The cross dressing idea came to him as a child as well.  There was a box in the basement with stockings in it and he would try to put them on before he heard footsteps on the stairs. Then as a teen, he asked his mom to dress him like a girl.  She just told him dressing like a girl isn’t that great and she asked him how long he’d been thinking about it. Needless to say, he felt embarrassed and didn’t get dressed as a teen.

Last edited by ShockedMamaOf2 (December 1, 2018 2:02 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

December 1, 2018 3:28 pm  #8


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

Not that it really matters, but to me what gets lost in the "it's just fabric" argument is that being female seems to have been equated with being "feminine" in a really artificial, pink-taffeta way.  I've been female for 62 years now, and I gotta say it's a lot of work -- it's not a fashion choice.  Putting on fake boobs and strutting around in stilettos on a Saturday night is not the equivalent of spending your entire working life getting paid seventy cents for every dollar your male counterpart gets.  It's not the equivalent of being interrupted every time you have the temerity to attempt to participate in a conversation.  It's no bed of roses, no matter what these guys imagine.  Try sitting up all night soothing a puking toddler and tell me how sexy it makes you feel.

 

December 4, 2018 7:02 pm  #9


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

"It's just fabric." Sounds familiar.
I've tried to look the other way as my husband got more and more caught up in the whole pink and lacy undergarments thing. But now, it's spiraled out of control to the point that he's spending several hundred dollars a pop at Adam and Eve and other "adult" stores on garter belts, stockings, nighties...jeez, he wants a bustier so bad he can't hardly stand it. He lounges around the house in lace panties. He bought a damn lace BODY STOCKING and wore it under his clothes the last time we went out. He asked me if he could shave his legs. (Ummm...no. I told him I didn't want my MAN to have shaved legs, hoping he'd take the hint. He didn't.) He asked me to put eye shadow and mascara on him. (Sure, you wanna look like a clown, here ya go...) THEN...during dinner, he brought up the subject of going somewhere for the weekend, having me dress him up like a woman, and then taking him out for dinner and dancing. Do...what???
He's got more fancy underwear in his dresser drawer than I've owned in my whole life. He drops $25 on one pair of panties like it's nothing. This is NOT what I signed on for. I married a MAN. If I wanted a woman, I'd damn sure find one that didn't look like a walrus in a bikini. 
 

 

December 4, 2018 9:57 pm  #10


Re: Husband wanted to CD out for supper

Nachogranny,

Welcome and sorry you find yourself here!  It’s the worst place to be in but hope you feel welcome here to let it all out.  There are quite a few of us here with CD/Trans Ex’s or STBX’s.  The GID I didnt have that I know of but his sexual ideas (pegging) made me question.  I’m only 5 months separated so I don’t have too much advice.  I’m still in the WTF? stage and crying most days, but others further along are so helpful.  Good luck and keep posting.

 

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