How has everyone’s friends and families taken the news?? My Gay husband (together almost 12 years and married almost 5) has now accepted his sexuality and we are in the process of separating. He came out to me a year ago after I suddenly sensed something between us and his behaviour had seemingly changed overnight. After telling me “he thinks he’s Gay” and had known for just a few months at the time, it has taken a year for me to even begin to process it all. This is partly due to the great denial I was in and the shock after being blindsighted by the news and then trying to  “keep up appearances” in an attempt to shelter him and myself while we “figured this out” and also due all the immediate confusion and inconsistencies.

After adamantly insisting he had never acted on his desires and had only just come to terms with it when he told me he was Gay, a couple of months ago he then confessed that he had in fact acted on it despite being GID initially with one off encounters and then eventually on a more emotional level with two more significant “relationships” including the current one. It’s so difficult to reconcile the loving, kind, wise, careful and selfless person I knew him to be with the wreakless actions and lying and betrayal I now know has taken place! He put my physical, mental and emotional health at stake (many of these facts he chose to ignore), betrayed my trust on every level, not to mention robbed me of my identity and all the dreams and memories we shared.

His self preservation at my expense is one of the hardest things to grasp when I have been nothing but completely devoted to him, we had what I considered a perfectly healthy and strong relationship, we were best friends and communicated better than most couples I know and I loved him more than he will ever probably know and I had envisioned navigating every possible martial problem we might ever face but this one. I will be leaving our house in just two weeks to finally be with my family to find my feet and much needed space after suffering in silence having felt unable to share with a single person until recently out of respect to him and so we could process this privately as a couple and without scrutiny (little did I know he himself had “confided” in others in more ways than one and the knowledge of which was a further betrayal when I found out! That someone else knew the intimate details of our marriage and about our “predicament” without even I being in the full picture!!).

His new partner of just a few months (their relationship started just before I found out about the cheating and before our marriage was “officially” over - at that time I still had misguided hope as he led me to believe over the course of the year we could somehow possibly still make things work or have the children we dreamt of and whos names we had already picked out, which at 30 we both were so ready for! and by the way it is little consolation to be told “at least you don’t have kids” when you feel robbed and denied of that too! One of the hardest things I have just recently learnt, is that my parents in law have decided to meet his new bf - who will then be joining him to live in my home the very week after I move out!! This is after assuring me that I will always be family, and that they will always see me as their daughter who they adore. Is that not incredibly insensitive or delusional given how recent all this is including how recent his relationship with this new bf?

None of this has been on my terms and it further compounds my powerlessness and feeling of worthlessness and while I have no problem with them eventually making an effort to get to know this person it seems SO early to be doing so when we have only just announced and come to terms with the fact our marriage is even over (they have only known themselves for just a few months). I don’t feel comfortable about any of this, since when does being Gay give you the right to treat your wife or daughter-in-law in this way, where is the dignity and respect for what I am going through?! It’s also little consolation to be told by my close family members “you’re still young, you’re so attractive you’ll have no trouble finding a man, you’re intelligent and have your whole life ahead of you.” I don’t mean to be ungrateful because yes I’m 30 not 60 but the hurt is still much the same, I feel violated, I gave him my most enthusiastic and best looking years, I supported him and put him first and now am left feeling uninspired and defeated and wonder after 12 years of adulthood whether I have even known what it’s like to be truly desired and appreciated by a man.

How will I ever trust again, and what if I run out of time to have children or never meet the right person. I have never dated! I married my high school sweetheart and I don’t want to become bitter and cynical or untrusting but how could I not be changed by this? I’m the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve and what I once thought was him being “intimidated” or “bashful” and shy when he would avoid looking me in the eye at times I now know it wasn’t  “because I was out of his league” as he would describe it, but because he couldn’t deliver on that level of intimacy and had a subconscious secret that was buried so deep he himself wasn’t prepared to face. Strangely he supposedly never even made the connection on the rare occasion I did express any doubts or voiced needs that weren’t being met! He never put two and two together that it was due to him being Gay! He just felt useless and didn’t know how to “fix” it or just felt it was down to his personality!!

Finally,  why do family and friends seem to take in the news and then accept it and move on so readily, I know there would have been some degree of an “ahhh” moment that hindsight so wonderfully provides! Meanwhile I’m still staggering about in shock, denial and bewilderment. Ps a number of times I did actually ask if he could be Gay to which he replied a very convincing “no” and at that time he really believed it! That’s why this kind of thing can take so long to come to light. I’ve learnt denial is an incredibly complicated thing!