How do you feel about ending it?  Is that what you desire?

My feelings are still all over the place. Yesterday I felt very vindicated. The therapist basically told him he was gay without coming right out and saying it. She said the only way forward is to separate. He was SO sad and talked about his grief over losing certain aspects of our relationship, mostly companionship type stuff. I will miss that too to be honest. And I will miss being a family, one unit.

Today I feel a sense of peace. It's out there now that my plan is to end this marriage. Now it's all just logistics...telling the kids, moving to separate spaces, etc. But I know it will happen and so I feel a sense of freedom that I have not felt in a very long time. I've felt SO trapped for so long and it's so good not to feel that way anymore. 

I was SO angry at him before we went to the therapy session and now I just feel sad for him. Based on a lot of what he said, I don't think he did this to my on purpose. He was lost and trying to live a certain life and he was attracted to me as a friend and thought that meant more. He talked about feeling horrible for how he's made me feel and told the therapist at this point he'll do whatever it takes to make me feel better, even if that means splitting up which he very much does not want to do. 

So yes, I do want to proceed with a separation. But for the first time in a while, I can see that that might not mean totally cutting him out of my life. We have children together, and unlike many of the stories I read here, he is a caring, loving, decent man. I very much would like to see him get some therapy so he can embrace who he is and maybe find some happiness with someone else. Is that crazy of me? Maybe, but I still feel that way. I think it helps that we have not had much more than a friendship relationship for many years and I mourned the loss of a romantic relationship a long time ago. 

It helps so much to be able to come here for support. I can't thank everyone enough.

Your sense of relief and new outlook is so good to hear.  That feeling of being trapped and angry is so difficult to live with day in day out.

It sounds like the mutual conclusion to separate is sitting very well with you, reaffirming this is the direction you need to go.  Sounds like he wants to stay together, which may be a source of emotional distress while you guys start dealing with the “logistics” as you put it.  I’m facing most of these logistics still on my journey and I anticipate many ups and downs along the way. Stay strong yet compassionate in your convictions.

I don’t think your crazy for caring about him and his future. I very much care about my wife and want to do everything I can to help us both get to the other side of all this with a healthy friendship, mutually supportive parenting relationship, and our own individual lives.

Good luck, keep checking in.  I have my first counseling session next week.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

How wonderful you're feeling that relief, that freedom that comes when the shadow rolls away.  It's a glimpse of the future.  
 It's likely, however, that after this moment of uptick, there will be a reaction, and you'll feel grief, and sadness, and doubt yourself--even if it's momentary.  Know that this will pass, and stay strong.  

So funny you should post this because not even 30 minutes after posting I started to have some doubts. Do I really need to end the marriage? It will hurt him so much to end things, can't I just stay married with a different set of expectations, etc, etc. Today I'm back to knowing that it needs to end. 

I may never find anyone else to spend my life with and that makes me more sad than I can describe. But I still think it's better to end this fake relationship that just seems to be crushing my spirit. Thank you for the warning...you were right on the money!!!!

Last edited by jkc1214 (December 1, 2018 10:27 pm)

Estella Oculus wrote:

JTC, I can absolutely relate. I am really happy to hear your update--my GID STBX did absolutely anything to avoid being in marriage counseling with me, and I think the reason why is that he couldn't even face a scene like the one you describe. I so am glad the two of you were able to sit down with a third party, so that you could have a sense of peace about your perspective. I hope my husband can someday get to a place like you imagine for your husband. I, too, largely feel sad more than angry, and I can completely understand why you say that. I had also hoped we would remain friends (although in our case that is looking doubtful). I hope your husband treats you with kindness and respect throughout this process. Sending you lots of (((((hugs))))) and hope things continue on a good path for you.

Thank you so much. I'll take all the hugs I can get, even if they are just virtual Ironically, it was my husband who booked the marriage therapy. I think he really thought a therapist would help me see that he isn't gay. But instead, she basically said we should end the marriage. He was shocked. And I know that his feelings are more than just desperation to continue hiding behind me and pretending to be straight. I know that although it's not a romantic love, he does love me very much. Until he started having trouble being intimate we had a wonderful time together and a very loving relationship. Once he had to hide from me to avoid sex it all fell apart. I hope he and I can be friends again someday. 

I'm sorry your STBX is being so difficult. Maybe with time he'll get better. I'm sending lots of hugs right back to you!!!!