“If you can convince yourself not to need details it will be better for you. It's hard enough to have a general knowledge of what likely happened, but when you start to picture real details it becomes significantly more painful.”


Thank you. I will take that advice.

At this point, I’m not upset about it, but I’m afraid if I start getting details I will.

Phoenix,

I appreciate your opinion regarding the timing of disclosure. My wife and I have decided to slow down a bit and it is a huge weight off to not feel like I need to prepare myself for other people’s questions, when I still have so many of my own.  Particularly when it comes to the kids, I feel like we both need to be ready.

Thank you again for your input and dedication to this network.  I’ll keep posting my progress.

jkc1214 wrote:

I'm feeling that same need to share with someone but I really have no idea who at this point. As you said, our friends are very much intertwined. I have thought about my sister, but she would  not be able to keep her anger in check when she was around him. So until he's ready to face things and tell the kids, telling her is not an option. In fact, he has no family in this area except for my family so telling any of them will be a problem. My brother and he are good friends. This pisses me off too that I can't even go to my own family for support because I'd be betraying his confidence. He's got me trapped in so many ways.

I would not ask for details if I were you. That is just bound to get you more upset. In fact, I know in another thread you mentioned seeing this other woman on Facebook. I'd defriend her and your wife so you don't have to see them and know what's happening. Get off of FB all together if necessary. 

In reading your posts, it sounds like you had a nice, loving relationship. I felt that way too. It just blows my mind that I had no idea until I found his account on the male to male hookup sight. He certainly put all of himself into trying to be okay with me, I'll give him that. 

What are your plans for the holidays? 

That does sound like a really difficult situation, given that he doesn’t want it out.  Do you talk to a counselor?  I was able to talk to my sister-in-law’s husband, and it makes a world of difference just to have someone hear you out.  I wonder if you have someone else in your life that is maybe not as close to you, but neutral enough not to keep it to themselves? A coworker or something like that?

We’ve decided not to travel to her family for thanksgiving because it’s way too difficult to be around folks that don’t know, and we aren’t ready to tell them.  We are going to focus on quality tile with the kids and keep it more mellow.

jkc1214 wrote:

I hope your day went well. I spent mine pretending everything was fine and praying the day would just end. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life as I did this Thanksgiving. I'm working on Christmas and normally I'd be very sad about it and now I'm thrilled I have an excuse to get away from it. 

I’m so sorry.  That is one of the hardest things to deal with in this situation. It must have been especially difficult in a family setting like thanksgiving.  It’s crazy to try to hold in all the emotion and pretend as if there is nothing going on.  Have you thought about someone you CAN tell? I know it seems odd, but after I told the first person, a lot of that feeling of loneliness was lifted. Certainly not all the way, but a surprising amount of the bottled up feeling that is so excruciating in those moments.  I understand that you are in a tough spot in terms of your options for talking with someone, but I would encourage you to keep thinking about it and think outside the box if you have to.

In the mean time, we are here for you.

gonzo2000 wrote:

Our adult children (daughter 32years, son 28years)  still do not understand why I haven't been able to "move on". This is not what I had expected my life to be at age 61. I am stuck in the house of his choosing (way too large for me to maintain), having to manage with "fragile employment", and dealing with the PTSD of childhood abuse.
One thing I have come to realize is that while he was in the closet, he did his best to isolate me and prevent me from forming meaningful relationships with people who could have been supportive of me when he left me. He actually had me convinced that nobody would want to be my friend. And then, when he did decide to leave, he told me that it was imperative that I not tell anybody because that could inhibit his ability to earn a living. Can you imagine trying to make friends without sharing something so basic as one's marital status?
Argggh!

That sounds like some serious manipulation. I was with a narcissist for 2 years before I met my husband. (I really know how to pick em!) What you are describing sounds similar to what he did. It took me a while to get over a lot of his abuse. In the end I just had to realize that everything he did and said was not anything I could trust. I had to continually remind myself of this over and over in the beginning but it did eventually stick. He was the one with the problem, not me. 

I certainly hope that you now have a good network of friends. And if he's gone and living with a man, you can say and do whatever the hell you want now. He has NO say in your life now. Go out and live it however you want!!!