Thanks for responding Addie. You wrote: 

1. I understand this thing about asking him to stop dating until we separate ... but .... I don't intend on selling the house that we are in right now - I am not prepared to give this up - it means a lot to me.

I see. I think what you're trying to share is something along the lines of, "I'm not prepared to give up on my marriage right now. It still means a lot to me." Question: what's more important, your spirit or real estate? I don't understand why telling him that his dating is too painful for you will inevitably lead to selling your house. Please explain if you can. 

2. I am also not ready to be without him in my life. I am conscious that I present as 'weak' and a 'sop' for want of a better word - but I am neither of those - I care for him, for myself and for our interconnected lives and appreciate that life if complex.

You're using a lot of very negative words to describe yourself my friend. As I shared in my last post, I think you and your fellow straight spouses are incredibly strong, kind, and brave. As for not being ready to live without him, now that he's dating, do you think he's on the same page or is this a sign that he's moving on?   

3. Is it impossible that we could get to a place in the future where we decide to carry on living in this house doing our own thing?

That's entirely your decision. There is a mixed orientation marriage (or MOM) section of this website for people who have chosen to remain in their gay/straight or bi/straight marriages. I'd suggest posting there for guidance. Only you can determine what kind of relationship will make you happy. 

4. No, I am not dating - I can't imagine it right now but I am independent, have a good job and hopeful about the capacity to perhaps enjoy life in the future, in whatever shape that takes.

Understood. 

5. To ask him to stop dating until we formally separate/ divorce means that I would have to put those wheels in motion, of which I do not want to do right now - not because I am under any illusion that we will get back together - far from it. I imagine a different life - I want to be able to fast forward to two years in and enjoy my life - to enjoy moments of friendship with him too. 

I've had similar exchanges with other straight spouses. I think we've all been through a similar "limbo" stage so no judgement here. Near the end of my broken marriage, I was a porn addict, a sex addict, depressed, angry, and suffered from insomnia. I reckon my body starting giving out long before my mind did. I'd suggest you listen to your body on this one. If staying with your husband is too painful, then you should perhaps give yourself some time apart to heal before starting a new friendship with him.  

6. Since he told me of his intention, he has accepted full responsibility for what he is doing - if I asked him to move out - he would do this - in fact, he does anything I ask of him. From his side, there is no anger, blame-shifting or gaslighting...  

I see. Question: and how are your kids in the middle of all of this? Mine suffered in silence because they did everything possible to keep us together.  

7. I also don't want lies to be part of this present life. I can only imagine it would be impossible for someone to come to the decision that they need to do this, then be asked not to, then actually not to do it - I would imagine that they would be compelled to do t and then they would have to lie about it and I don't want that. I prefer to deal in truth, however hurtful...

Understood. 

8. Yes, I have no doubt that he has accessed gay porn in the past - and of course this is a betrayal and when I think about it, it horrifies me  - but I believe that he has not acted upon it - I just believe him.

You use the rather neutral word "accessed" gay porn rather than, "yes he's fapped to gay porn." To me this suggests you're still protecting him on some level by minimizing his behaviour. Another example is when straight wives refer to his homosexuality as "same sex attraction." Again please keep in mind that I'm just a gay guy posting my opinions here. I'm not a mental health professional. Question: am I correct in assuming you haven't told your friends/family about all this? If you haven't told anyone, I'd reach out to at least one other trusted person, perhaps via the Straight Spouse Network if you don't want people to know right away. You don't have to handle this all alone.  

9. I feel that you (and others on these boards)  think me naive.... that was the point of my original message - is it impossible that this shit show can have any contours of care and dignity for those involved ?  Thanks again. 

Again you're writing negative things about yourself that I simply don't believe. And far be it from me - a gay ex-husband who did every terrible thing to his former wife - to criticize you or others. We all went through the denial then limbo/bargaining stages. Actually, I think you are showing incredible care and dignity. Sadly, I don't believe your husband is acting in a kind/caring way. If this man truly cares for you as you've claimed, house be damned he should care enough not to sleep around right under your nose, particularly if it's affecting you and your children.

I apologize if I'm being too blunt my friend. Now I'm rambling so I'll come to the point. This is a process, a process many of us have been through, and it takes time. I reckon it takes between 1-2 years for a straight spouse to emotionally detach from her gay husband and roughly as much time to fully grieve the death of her marriage...the death of a dream really. So I'd urge you to be gentle with yourself, stick with the therapy, change therapists if your first isn't helping, and please keep posting here. The kind members here will always give it to you straight (forgive the pun). I'll end with this: you have every right to feel angry and betrayed by your husband. But those feelings will come later, likely when you're no longer living together. Please also try to focus on your kids because they often know more, and suffer more, than we think.

I hope that helps! Thinking of you and your family Addie. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean (November 5, 2018 12:30 pm)

Thanks for posting my friend. (It appears we replied at the same time.) I've provided my comments below. Please keep in mind that I'm just expressing personal opinions. I am not a mental health professional. Here goes. 

1. Although I'm sure at this point that my husband is gay, he keeps saying he's just "curious" and his attraction to men only represents about 1% of who he really is. I think that's just BS but I am not sure how to proceed at this point. I need some support and/or advice is anyone is willing to read my story.

"Curious" is a common excuse for gay-in-denial husbands to explain away things like gay porn viewing and cheating. I reckon it's a form of minimization. I've always argued that we can be curious about things once or twice, but when we're talking about decades of hook ups and gay porn, he's more "gay" than "curious."  

2. We've been married for almost 22 years. We were friends for about a year before we started dating long distance. He was pretty happy with the long distance thing until after a year and a half I pushed for him to move closer as I couldn't move during nursing school. (when we started dating he told me he wanted to relocate here even before we got together). He moved to my city and we got engaged about a month later.

I don't have a lot of detail here but many gay/straight couples wrongly mistake friendship for compatibility, particularly when the gay husband is hiding his true sexuality. 

3. About 8 years and 3 kids into our marriage, I found he had left open a web page of a site that helps men arrange hookups with other men. I can't remember the name. He swore up and down it wasn't his account, he had been helping a customer with something. (He works in IT).  

I feel for JKC because she's known her husband was gay-in-denial for roughly 14 years. 

4. He told me at that time that he had been confused about his sexuality as a younger man due to some sexual abuse as a kid. Said he'd had sex with a man once but that it had felt wrong and that the whole time he kept thinking "this isn't what I really want" At that time, I had 3 young children and I chose to stay and buried the whole thing for their sake and because my mother lived in an inlaw apartment and  I had NO idea how we would divorce and not leave her homeless. Wrong choice for sure but I can't go back and  change it now. 

This seems to suggest he's emotionally straight, "[being gay] isn't what I really want" and yet sexually gay. Like me while I was married, he doesn't want to be gay. He's also using another common tactic among gay-in-denial (GID) husbands, blaming his homosexuality on childhood abuse. If a GID husband has a history of lying, then there is a very real possibility he made up the abuse story. And why? When a straight wife is seriously considering divorce, saying "I was abused" paints her GID husband as a victim. The straight wife then feels an overwhelming need to heal/protect him. Another version of this story is that he was "attacked" by a gay man (or men) in college, when most likely he experimented with gay sex, was scared by it, and then created some elaborate story. I'm not downplaying how barbaric sexual abuse can be, because abuse in any form is rightfully illegal.  I'm simply urging straight wives to let him find help on his own for his abuse, porn, or sex addiction. If he's saying things so that you have to "save" him yet again, I'd urge straight wives to first take care of themselves.      

5. Sex with my husband has never been "bad" but it's never been amazing either. Our very first time he had a lot of trouble maintaining an erection. I attributed that to nerves and a lack of experience on his part. I had been in 2 previous long term relationships and so he knew I was more experienced. I thought this just made him nervous.

I've read these kinds of posts before. Underwhelming sex, low libido, and impotence are all quite common among gay/straight relationships. And why? Because gay men aren't attracted to women nor women's bodies.  

6. Things got better and we had a normal sex life for many years. He has always been very aware of my needs, per se and has always made sure I wasn't left hanging. In the beginning he initiated quite a bit. We had dry spells here and there as many couples do while raising young children. 

Understood. 

7. About 6 years ago, things started to go south. He started having a lot of trouble with impotence. He said he had no problem with masturbation but had trouble with me "it's all psychological."

I've read similar posts. Based on what I've read here and based on my own experience, this was probably when he started having gay sex regularly. Once I'd had sex with a man, I could no longer "pretend" with my (then) wife.  

8. We got through that with some sex therapy techniques that I had researched and things were better for a short while and then got worse again. At this point, he has not initiated in almost 4 years and the last 2 times that I did initiate, he said some hurtful things acting like I was a sex fiend or something for wanting to be intimate with my husband.

How cruel, particularly because it wasn't your fault. 

9. It's been 2 years now since we've had any sexual contact at all. He has said that his testosterone level is very low but refuses to try any treatments for that or try any ED meds. "My friend told me they are horrible" We have spent the last couple years living as roommates who share children. We don't do anything together anymore as just the two of us. He stays up super late and comes to bed after I've gone to sleep most nights. 

I'm so sorry you've been sexually neglected all these years. He's up late watching porn most likely.

10. 2 weeks ago he had a sex dream and he was quite loud and talkative during his dream. It was clear he was with a man in his dream and that he was enjoying it a lot more then he ever enjoyed sex with me. At that point, everything came unburied and I confronted him. This time he did admit that the account I had seen years ago was his saying "but I wasn't going to do anything, I just was curious about it" He swears he wants to stay married and was berating himself for not being a good enough husband and thinks that the problem is that we stopped watching our tv shows together in the evenings because he "was playing my stupid video games."

More likely gay porn, gay cams, or gay hook up sites. 

11. So now, he comes to bed super early to watch tv with me and seems to think that's going to solve our problems. I had told him that he needed to figure out who he is and what he wants and that his interest in men is not a curiosity or a 1% thing. He's done nothing that I can see to help figure himself out. He's been extra helpful around the house and as I said, comes to bed earlier. 

Following "discovery" of gay porn or cheating, it's common for the GID husband to initiate a kind of "honeymoon" period during which he tries to save his marriage. I think that's what you've described.  

12. At this point, I want out. I can't spend the rest of my life having my very soul sucked out of me anymore. I'm 50 years old and can't spend another 20+ years living a lie. I'd rather be alone.

Good for you.

13. My problem is my youngest daughter is having some severe depression and anxiety and I'm not sure how she would handle a divorce and a move to a new town and the revelation that her father is gay.

If your daughter were in a burning house, you wouldn't hesitate to get her out. Sometimes gay/straight marriages are like (slow) burning houses: deadly. I'd consult with a mental health professional but there is a very strong possibility that your daughter knows her dad is gay. Kids always know more than we think. Her anxiety and depression may be caused by the constant, gnawing pressure of living in her father's closet...or perhaps living in a toxic environment because of her parents' gay/straight relationship. I too thought I was protecting my three kids by staying married to their mother after I came out, when in fact I was simply prolonging their agony. 

14. I have kicked around the idea of moving into the inlaw apartment until she graduates from high school in 3 years. (My mother passed away last year) It would give me some freedom and sort of ease my children into the end of my marriage. Anyone have any thoughts? 

Again, I'd consult with a qualified therapist. I assume your daughter is around 14-15 years old. She was born around the time you found your husband's gay web history. This means you've had a troubled marriage with her father almost her entire life. I'd be open to the possibility that your troubled marriage may be the cause of her depression and anxiety. It took me a very long time to understand that the best thing I did was end my toxic marriage with my former wife (my fault of course for being gay and lying about it). And why? Because bad relationships are like cigarette smoke, they get into everything and greatly affect children. 

I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to reply. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (November 12, 2018 7:39 pm)

Thank you for responding JKC. In reply:

1. Ironically, I think some of my daughter's problem is that she is struggling with her own sexuality. I happened upon something she had written for school. It was a rough draft in which she was supposed to give her now self some advice from the future. In it she asks herself if she has been brave enough to come out as bisexual yet. I know many kids her age struggle with who they are but I've since learned she has come out to her friends with this, just not to me or the family,  despite my many attempts to open a dialog and let her know nothing she ever did or said to me would make me not love her. Your comments make me wonder if she's questioning things because of her Dad? Who knows...I am loathe to add any more stress onto her at this time, especially moving to a new town. If we could stay in our house I'd ask him to leave in a heartbeat.

I'm sorry your daughter is struggling. Let's think about this logically. Kids are much more tech savvy than adults. If your husband is like me, he's probably living out most of his gay fantasies virtually: meaning gay chats, cams, and or hook up websites. Decades of gay porn, secret emails, and the like leave a considerable (virtual) trail. Let's further assume your daughter knows all about her dad's secret gay life. Would you want to come out to your mom under these circumstances? Absolutely not. While I'd urge you to discuss all of this with a mental health professional, if your daughter is indeed bisexual and also knows her father is a closeted gay man, I reckon that is the true cause of her anxiety and depression. She probably thinks that coming out to you will cause some 'coming out' chain reaction which will lead to dad coming out, mom suffering, and her parents separation/divorce. I think what all children need is the entire truth, however painful. When we withold the truth and indirectly lie to our kids, they suffer because they then feel its their responsibility to keep mom and dad together. Just a thought. 

2. My husband has not admitted to cheating...

And probably never will. 

3. He swears he never had any hookups based on the website he joined years ago.

Why would anyone join a male-for-male hookup site unless he wanted to have sex with other men? It doesn't make sense but you already know that.  

4. I've never caught him watching porn. That's not to say he hasn't, just that he's managed to be very discreet about it if he does watch it. Do I believe he hasn't cheated...not really. At this point, I really don't care if he has other than I don't want to have caught a filthy disease from him. 

Agreed. I'd suggest getting tested for STDs. While you haven't had sex in years, you want to be sure that you're STD-free. 

5. I just feel like our entire life has been a lie and it's time for it to stop.

Good for you. 

6. I just don't want to damage my children with all this. I swear, I dream of it all ending with a bad car accident so they'd never have to know. I know that sounds horrible and I don't really believe they'd be better off with him gone. They need their dad but it's going to be such a rough road for them and it kills me to think about. 

This is where we might disagree. I think the most kind and caring thing you can do is tell your children the truth. "Your father is gay, something he never told me, although I've suspected for years. I'm devastated but I can't live another day married to a gay man, because gay men aren't attracted to women like me. So we're separating." Yes it's painful to hear these words, but what's more painful is your kids having to endure a dishonest and toxic environment. Look I'm no saint my friend. My (then) wife and I stayed together for 18 painful months "for the kids" when all we did was make them even more miserable. Looking back, I now understand that ending the pain gives everyone a chance to start healing. Yes it takes time, yes it's painful, and yes your kids may resent you, but it was my only option.  

7. I never thought I could love someone and hate them at the very same time. Because I do love him...he's a decent guy who is also trapped. I feel so horrible that he was never able to be who he really is and knowing his family I can understand his choice and his naive thinking that he could be happy and bury his real self. But things can only stay buried for so long.

You sound like a very kind, caring, and honest person. I'd suggest you take all of the love you've given to your gay husband and focus that energy on yourself for the next few weeks. And that means: 

a. No more sex (nor attempted sex) with your husband
b. Getting tested for STDs
c. Moving your husband to a guest room (if he isn't there already)
d. Finding a therapist for you and you alone (not couples therapy) who has experience with gay/straight marriages, and perhaps also narcissism/co-dependency  
e. Sharing your full story here, or perhaps on your own thread, to work through these feelings and get support
f. Contacting the Straight Spouses Network for meetings or contacts in your area
g. Sharing about your husband's sexuality with at least one (1) other person: either a close friend or family 

You've gotten over the biggest hurdle because you know your husband is gay. Now it's time to keep going, while ensuring you get enough support. 

8. I can see us having a very amicable relationship when all this hard stuff is over. I just want to skip ahead to that but alas...that is not possible. 

It is indeed a process and can often take years. Please keep coming back because you're no longer alone. Take care. 

Last edited by Sean (November 13, 2018 8:35 am)

Thank you for posting your story JKC. For every brave straight spouse posting here, I reckon there are dozens of women learning from your journey. In response to your latest post: 

1. At this time, I have decided to move into the in law apartment attached to my house after Thanksgiving. 

Giving yourself a little distance from your gay-in-denial (GID) husband sounds like an excellent idea. 

2. This will give me a chance to sit and talk with all three of my children as my college age daughter will be home that weekend...

Children are highly intuitive and often know everything going on in the household. I'd approach your discussions from this perspective. As parents, our most important role is to be honest with our children, but in ways they understand. As a formerly-closeted husband/father, I wrongly forced my (then) wife and children into my dark closet. Rather than teach them honesty and authenticity, I forced them to speak a different language: denial. That was wrong. You might want to find and perhaps consult with a child psychologist before speaking to your children. It might also be a good idea to schedule appointments for your kids after you have "the talk." My children went to therapy after their mom and I separated. It did them a lot of good to speak with an impartial professional, knowing that sharing their feelings wouldn't hurt mom or dad. 

3. ...and it will give me some distance from my husband who, for some reason, despite my saying I was "done" with our marriage keeps acting like everything is just fine and to be honest, it's pissing me off royally. I really need some space I think.

I can imagine. Most gay/straight marriages limp along for a year or two before the couple separates. I came out to my wife, started having sex with every gay man in a 20-mile radius, and still we held on "for the kids" in a zombie-like relationship for another 18 months before separating. Most gay men are aware they are different around age 5 or 6. This is often when we start to hide our sexuality, mostly out of fear of being rejected because we are different. This means most GID husbands have learned to lie, distract, and manipulate for years before we meet our straight wives. While I'd consult with a mental health professional, your husband's greatest fear is likely coming out of the closet. In essence, saying "I'm gay" is the scariest thing in his life. So what's my point? Your husband will likely continue to deny ("I was just curious"), lie ("I've never slept with a man"), and manipulate ("Why are you so sexually demanding?") because it's now just part of his DNA. But while he can continue living in denial, you understand some very basic truths:

- Straight husbands don't watch gay porn
- Straight husbands don't join male-for-male hookup sites
- Straight husbands don't have sex with other men
- Gay men watch gay porn
- Gay men join male-for-male hookup sites
- Gay men have sex with other men

While he can blame childhood abuse (whether true or fabricated), claim "curiosity", or even blame his wife, the fact remains that he truly wants to be straight, which is why he married you. Unfortunately, he was born gay and simply wanting to be straight will never change his sexuality. One brilliant yet risky technique a member used to "out" her husband was suggesting they open up their marriage. (Most gay-in-denial husbands eventually suggest this anyway.) She pretended to be fine with her husband sleeping with men "from time to time" as a way to meet his needs. When her husband took the bait and expressed an interest in sleeping with men "once or twice a month", it confirmed that her husband was indeed gay. He quickly denied they'd ever had the conversation. 

Food for thought my friend. Thanks again for sharing. Please keep us posted. 

Last edited by Sean (November 14, 2018 2:31 am)

 Hello Sean!!!
1st off, you're seriously THE BEST for being willing to answer all these questions. I have one. I am a 23 year old newly wed and I think my husband is gay even though he denies it because hes a christian ...here's the story. So I come from a very conservative background. My Husband and I actually met in the youth group of our church. His family has always condemned homosexuality but my family is more open to it seeing as my sister is a lesbian. Anyway, when we were dating, my husband told me that IN HIS PAST he has been attracted to men and that he looked at gay porn. I was naive and allowed him to explain it away and we moved forward with our relationship thinking that his attraction to men was in the past. We got married in April 2018 and he was a virgin when we got married. Three days into our honeymoon, we STILL had not had sex. I assumed it was just his nerves and brushed it off but  later when we finally did have sex, he seemed very uninterested and he even yawned once (so embarrassing). He never seems interested in sex AT ALL. I initiate most of the intimate times and he barely kisses or opens his eyes to look at me. When (IF) we do have sex, he can not "keep it up" for more that a minute before going limp and he makes excuses like "his back hurts" or "he has a headache" or "hes had a long day" when I have worked longer hours than him. He often says that i want sex too often and he cant keep up. He often makes me feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with him. He told me once that he is now getting older and cant keep up with me (HES 26 YEARS OLD!!!). Recently I wore sexy lingerie on his birthday and he told me that he needed to take a shower first and that he was going to take a long time. When he got out of the shower, he seemed annoyed and inconvenienced so I told him we didn't have to have sex and he seemed happy after that. He avoids coming to bed at night and instead watches tv until 3AM. Once I sent him a text that was sexy and seductive (or so I thought)... and he replied that he would come to bed but that he was too tired and didn't feel like having sex. We have now gone a month without having sex and we have only been married for 8 months. He admitted to me a few months ago that he has been watching gay porn again. When ever I try and ask him if he is gay he explains it away and says that even though he watches gay porn, he doesn't want to have gay sex because he thinks its wrong. Is he hiding something from me? Or am I crazy for thinking he is gay? Sorry for the long post.

Last edited by angie1 (November 29, 2018 10:16 pm)