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1 - BaitAndSwitch
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Just coming to terms
Dicovered GID husbands obsession with trans and gay porn almost a year ago. It’s taken this long to reach out and start telling my truth so I can wrap my head around it. I’ve been an emotional mess and felt like I was going crazy listening to his lies.. Reading the threads and stories here I have gathered the strength to get tested for STD’s (humiliating but thankfully all negative) and reached out to a counselor. I have felt so much shame at what my marriage and sex life had come to and thought this is just how’s it going to be. I felt validated and released when the counselor told me I don’t have to do any sexual acts that I’m not comfortable with. Along with confirmation all the sexual acts required of me are not what a straight man would want. Something so simple as being told it’s okay to say NO!! It’s okay to not want to engage, it’s okay to be angry that the rules were changed. It’s okay to NOT be okay! I’m not looking forward to his next sexual advance when I tell him NO MORE!!! Tryng to find strength to put into action what needs to be done.
- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Just coming to terms
B&S, I am so glad you received the confirmation and validation you needed.
And in case you need more ..... no, you never have to participate in sexual acts, etc, that make you uncomfortable. To force you to, or even manipulate you into thinking you have to, is a form of abuse. Also, if you are generally fairly compliant, be prepared for your spouse to "push back" a bit when you stand up to him. I say this not to discourage you, but just so you are prepared.
You are awesome for taking care of you and making yourself a priority in all of this.
Stay strong.
- BaitAndSwitch
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Re: Just coming to terms
STIK,
Thank you for the additional confirmation!! I am a codependent pleaser so it’s not going to be easy to say “no”. I realize now he has spent 2 decades molding me into what he wanted me to be and in the process I lost all sense of reality of who I am as a woman. I fully expect push back and manipulation once I put my foot down. I’m not able to walk away just yet so I continue to pray for strength and guidance daily cause I can’t do this on my own.
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Just coming to terms
B&s,
"...I’m not able to walk away just yet so I continue to pray for strength and guidance daily cause I can’t do this on my own.."
Yes, I was a codependent pleaser also...
Gather strength..build a support system...i needed the help of family, priest, therapist, the straight spouse network, etc.
It amazes me to look back and see the army of help I needed..but they say God sends angels..on this earth they dont always have halos and wings..
Slow and steady was my journey away from TGT and abuse. God would not want us to stay in an abusive relationship..no..i think he looks down on us and sees the difference between wrong and right.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Tyurk
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Re: Just coming to terms
StrongerThanIKnew wrote:
Also, if you are generally fairly compliant, be prepared for your spouse to "push back" a bit when you stand up to him. I say this not to discourage you, but just so you are prepared.
This is so true. My STBX GIDH doesnt understand why watching a little tranny porn or gay porn isnt ok with me. He says I must not really love him if I cant accept this part of him. Its hard to be put in this guilty place and its not fair.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Just coming to terms
Tyurk,
Why don't you turn that around and say, "I don't understand why you don't see why your watching porn with transexuals and gay men is hurtful to me. If you really loved me, you would not do it, even if you didn't understand, because you can see how it hurts our relationship and me."
- phoenix
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Re: Just coming to terms
Hi BaitAndSwitch!
Welcome to our family. You sound like you have been through a lot, but you've taken some extraordinary steps for self-care as you prepare to move forward. Good for you! It's great to hear that you've set boundaries, sought help for yourself and learned to be empowered. I hope everyone who is starting out their journey reads your post and sees how valuable these are.
How are you doing now? What challenges are you facing? What questions might you have or advice you might need? How can we help?
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Tyurk
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Re: Just coming to terms
Tyurk,
Why don't you turn that around and say, "I don't understand why you don't see why your watching porn with transexuals and gay men is hurtful to me. If you really loved me, you would not do it, even if you didn't understand, because you can see how it hurts our relationship and me."
Yep, I have. Its an endless argument that goes nowhere. We cannot seem to agree on this so I dont see a way for it to work.
- Duped
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Re: Just coming to terms
Tyurk,
Why don't you turn that around and say, "I don't understand why you don't see why your watching porn with transexuals and gay men is hurtful to me. If you really loved me, you would not do it, even if you didn't understand, because you can see how it hurts our relationship and me."Yep, I have. Its an endless argument that goes nowhere. We cannot seem to agree on this so I dont see a way for it to work.
Oh those circular arguments. They drove me up the wall. They’re black belts at them.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Just coming to terms
I would respond "I really loved the person you pretended to be when I married you."