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October 8, 2018 1:08 pm  #11


Re: Where to go from here

Dear Was,

Doesn't matter if he never touches a man or even thinks about one again.  What makes your situation hopeless is what Stronger said: "...instead of putting you first and trying to protect your heart and calm your worries and fears, he is more concerned with how this makes him feel. He is more concerned with how your reaction to what HE told you makes HIM feel and not about how what he told you makes you feel."   This is who he really is; that's not normal.
 

Last edited by Lynne (October 8, 2018 1:10 pm)

 

October 8, 2018 1:34 pm  #12


Re: Where to go from here

Wow, this group is amazing!

It takes some real wisdom and personal experience to focus in on such a valuable insight.  What gives him away is the way he is reacting.  What we all have in common is that we married selfish people.  Those selfish people married us for their own benefit without caring about our best interest.  They wanted to hide their gay or lesbian or trans desires behind us.  We gave them safety from the judgment of the world without our knowledge and great expense to our own happiness. 

How should an authentic and selfless person react to being questioned about a possible transgression or fear from their significant other?   Compassion, understanding, apology, honest and open communication about how to fix the situation.   "I'm sorry you feel this way, what did I do to hurt you and how can I change this?"   "I understand how you feel and I wan't to make you feel better, can we talk about this so that you don't worry or hurt any more?"   

How does a narcissist react to being questioned?  As OOHC defined..   Deny, Attack, Reverse roles.  "I never did that, why are you on my case, how would you feel if I were always accusing you of things?"   
or 
"it’s all in the past, why can’t you accept it, I’ve buried it, why can’t you? "

Was it a dream, 
Welcome to our group.  I'm so sorry you are facing this challenge with your partner.  I'm glad you signed up and shared your story and I hope the input we are giving you is helpful.  While it may not seem like we are very encouraging or optimistic, we are at the very least honest.  We hope our wisdom can help you move in a direction that will bring you happiness. 

I would suggest to you that your boyfriend has a few major strikes against him. 

One is that he's not very honest.  You think he is honest because he brought up the "bi" issue, but was he really honest?  It seems like he gave you only a little tidbit of the truth.  You've since found out that he was with more guys and more frequently than you thought.  One consistent truth from the stories we hear on this forum is that we are only ever told a small portion of the truth.  The duration and frequency of the cheating is much greater than they admit to.   Funny how "always safe sex" turned into "not always"..   

The second issue is that he's a lot more gay that he admits.  This is just personal opinion.. but 5% bisexual means that he watched a movie with Brad Pitt and thinks he's an attractive guy.  Cheating with multiple guys for multiple years is a hell of a lot more than 5% bisexual.  I'd say he's 100% bisexual and perhaps more gay than Bi.  A lot of the wives and ex-wives on this site had husbands who had sex with women because "it was sex" and still desirable for a horny young man and because it was what society deemed acceptable.  The truth is they wanted to be with a man the whole time.  Why did he bring up the idea of a threesome if being with you is enough?  In theory a bisexual is attracted to both men and women and should be fulfilled with either right?   I think your guy wants sex from a man and status from a girlfriend. 

Three..  he's a serial cheater.   Does it matter if it was a man or women?  He has a history of having sex with someone other than the person he's committed to.  Don't get lost in the gay confusion.  Cheating is cheating and lying is lying.  He is both. 

Don't live the rest of your life in fear of when your man is going to cheat on you and have sex with other men.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 9, 2018 5:20 pm  #13


Re: Where to go from here

Was it a dream? wrote:

I think the bigggest thing that worries me is him saying now he will never ever talk to me about it again because I went crazy and made his life a misery over him just being ‘honest’ with me.

Minor correction here: you didn’t get crazy on him. You got reality-based on him, and he couldn’t handle it.

But I suspect you knew that. I just wanna make sure he knows it.

 

October 10, 2018 1:22 pm  #14


Re: Where to go from here

Thank you all for the responses, it really helps to get some perspective from people who have gone through similar experiences.
I think I’m starting to see the situation a little clearer rather than feel I’m the unreasonable one for needing honest communication about this. The problem is I don’t think I will ever get it since everything I know I have either had to confront him over with evidence or find out through drunken admissions. 
I don’t want to spend my life with a man who thinks it was ok to hook up with men for secret sex and then come home to ex girlfriends with a clear conscience.  I can’t live my life wondering about this.
I just hope I can find the strength to make the break from him, as I do deeply love him.. the others on here who have been brave and strong enough to take that step are an inspiration.

     Thread Starter
 

October 10, 2018 1:39 pm  #15


Re: Where to go from here

Was it ... please don’t waste your life searching for, and presenting him with evidence. He knows it all already, you are trying to give him evidence for things he knows about and that gives him an opportunity to twist your reality, by denial and confusion and anger....for me that was the most unforgivable part, to make me not believe what was right in front of me, to lie to my face and to risk my mental health like that for the sake of his secrets.

Take it from us, this is not worth it, you will always be living on the edge, on your nerves and questioning yourself. Your mental effort shouldn’t be wrapped up around all this confusion. It should be devoted to your own happiness, to,your own peace, to your own goals, wants and needs because this is your life, it is short and a happy and fulfilled you is how you should be going about your life, indeed an asset to everyone around you who genuinely deserves your presence and care...those who are honest with you, who wouldn’t ever want to see you confused and hurting and who are cheering you on in life. Stick with those people, not this one.

 

October 10, 2018 4:03 pm  #16


Re: Where to go from here

"....rather than feel I'm the unreasonable one for needing honest communication about this"

Yes, well done.  Exactly.  Exactly right.  I literally shuddered when I read your post and remembered what it was like for me.  My ex succeeded in making me feel like I was unreasonable for wanting honest answers too.  

Love and trust go together.

Eventually my trust in him was eroded to the point where I began to look after myself independently again.  and that was when I started to heal.  That's what's happening for you now in coming here and finding answers for yourself.

Hugs.

 

 

October 10, 2018 4:24 pm  #17


Re: Where to go from here

Duped wrote:

...this is your life, it is short and a happy and fulfilled you is how you should be going about your life, indeed an asset to everyone around you who genuinely deserves your presence and care...those who are honest with you, who wouldn’t ever want to see you confused and hurting and who are cheering you on in life.

Even those of us who are away from them now and have lingering trauma symptoms can benefit from these words.
 

 

October 10, 2018 8:22 pm  #18


Re: Where to go from here

Was ,
If he really planned on burying this and had no intention on ever acting on this again, he wouldn't have told you in the first place. Five percent bi-sexual isn't enough to even stress over and he easily could have buried it and moved on with you with the resolve to never return to that kind of past.
Although it seems like an 'honest' move on his part, it was a grooming process. 
He told you so he could gradually get you used to him being with men. I believe this point was already mentioned on here by another poster so I'm only repeating it. 

The drunken requests weren't excusable moments of temporary insanity, these are his true desires with the hope you'll  give him the green light on them. If you don't he'll allow himself these indulgences in due time with 'I told you so or you knew what you were getting into' when you catch him.

I know it's hard for you to break free and you feel you deeply love him. But how are you going to feel when you find out he's still communicating, probably complaining about you, and planning future trysts with one or not more of these men? Because I've a strong feeling that's what he's doing now. Why? Because that's what they do.
As mentioned before he could have stopped all communcation with the one man he told you about, but yet he still text him? Is this so he can keep him your lives? I bet the guy is older and well accustomed to how to groom a woman and has given your boyfriend plenty of advice.
 
As you've already read on here, run...don't walk away. Your young enough and the feelings and lack of trust will never go away. Only when you turn them into denial is when you'll feel free, but that will be a lie.
I wish you all the best.  

 

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