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October 1, 2018 10:38 pm  #1


How to cope with CD husband

My story and would appreciate any feedback.

  Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
Logged in as ConfusedinTX
Crossdressing Husband who says hes straight.
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Posted by ConfusedinTX  Online!
Yesterday 9:25 am        #1
My CdH and I were both previously married to other spouses and divorced many years. We married 2016, and me and my kids moved in with him. On our 1yr anniversary, he tells me he enjoys wearing hose and heels and shows me pics. I was dumbfounded i thought it was a joke of sorts.

A few months later I find shitload of couture shoes and an online account with tons of pics of himself and then people he was following- no holds barred on those folks pages, extreme CD as I call it. I freaked out, and he deleted and purged everything. Said it was no big deal. Then an entire year of no sex or intimacy of any sort. I slept in my sons room who was now away at college for months.

Finally in july 2018 i had enough. I was gonna show HIM what a real sexy woman was. I dressed in his hose, my lingerie and heels, lit candles and woke him up as a surprise. It was going well until he asked to put on my shoes, i obliged....trying to see if i could be okay with it. The next night, he called me into the closet to show me him in hose and MY HEELs. I was mortified with first thought of youre not sexy, and ur stretching out my shoes!!!! Apparently he took my event as me being okay with his CD...and ran with it. Began buying shoes...expensive couture, about 3k in a month online. A few pairs for me too, as if again its okay for me its okay for him.

Several non fun encounters of him dressing, now with full outfit on, he has admitted he has done this since he was a child. He did it with his first wife, who was complacent with it- and allowed him someone to shop with for himself.

Says he doesnt want to meet other CDs, doesnt want men, doesnt want sex with anyone but me. But he dresses while im gone and masturbates, and has zero desire for me. Its painfully obvious he prefers sex with HERself. He is also an alcoholic likely due to supressing this his whole life.

My younger child of 9 had never had a real dad in her life and she adores him. She has no clue of the issue between me and him, happy family home is what she has the image of.

Im on anti depressant med and in therapy. I struggle daily with leave. Stay. Stay for abit to get my shit together. Leave today.

Leaving the house soon for a while, and I know he is holding his breath for time alone to dress up and play. It makes me sick emotionally and so sad. I deserve so much more. We all do.

 

October 2, 2018 7:26 am  #2


Re: How to cope with CD husband

Hi Confused. 

Welcome to our group.  I think you've come to the right place to find some folks with a common experience.  We should be able to offer you some advice that will help you understand what is going on and what to expect in the future.  You will certainly get our compassion and have a place to outlet your feelings and share what's going on. 

I can't personally offer you much, but hold tight and some of the gals with CD husbands or ex-husbands will be along to share their experience and advice. 

Sorry again for what you are going through.  This isn't what you signed up for and you certainly have every right to be worried and unhappy.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 2, 2018 7:42 am  #3


Re: How to cope with CD husband

Confused,
     You were married in 2016.  You have been married two years.  On your one year anniversary your husband declared his cross-dressing/masturbation habit.  You didn't sleep together again for the entire second year of your marriage. 
 50% of your marriage has been in upheaval.
    You have endured a sexless marriage for 50% of your marriage to this crossdressing man who is more interested in himself, and more in love with himself when he's dressed-up in women's clothes, and having sex with her, than he is in being a husband to you, in love with you, and having sex with you.
   In two more years, 75% of your marriage will have been spent in this state.  Three out of four years.  
   You are already on antidepressants and in therapy.  
   You are not happy, not satisfied, and your health has and will continue to suffer.  
   
Here are some things you can do to help yourself:
    If you have financial resources or friends or relatives with whom you can stay, put some physical distance between the two of you, at least for a while, to get out from under the constant stress and anxiety, which will allow you to get some perspective on the situation; it's very difficult acquire perspective if you are constantly immersed in the craziness of life with him.  Seeing him practice his habit, imagining him in his clothes and masturbating, encountering the accoutrements and knowing the financial cost all keep you in a state of anxiety and trauma.  His silent treatment and the withholding of sex is a form of abuse--it's an attempt to control you through his displeasure.
   You also should tell a trusted friend or family member, because you need both their support and the perspective they will offer.  Just imagining what a family member or friend would counsel you to do--or what you would counsel someone else in your situation--can be helpful in clarifying the reality of your situation, which can then help you see your way to leaving.  If this were your daughter in this situaiton, what would you counsel her to do?
  Make sure to protect your financial position.  A man who can spend 3 thousand dollars in one month can ruin you financially and destroy your credit.  If you have joint credit cards, close them.  If you are on his as an authorized user, or he on yours as an authorized user, take your name, or his, off the account.  See a lawyer to protect yourself, because in many places, spouses are on the hook for the other spouse's debt. 
   As for your daughter: she does not now have a "happy family home." And she will never have one while she lives in a home with a disordered man who subjects her mother to an emotional freezeout, no sex, and loves himself and his masturbatory fantasies more than he loves her mother.  
    Only after you are well away from this crazy situation and life will you be able to begin to understand just how damaging and abusive it was, and how disordered he is.  The longer you stay, the more you will be conditioned in and by it.  


   He sounds like a man who has manipulated you into marriage, waited to spring this crossdressing/sexuality on you, and has now taken your attempt to entice him back into a sexual relationship has a green light to ramp up his practice--as if you gave him permission.  
   
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 2, 2018 7:46 am)

 

October 2, 2018 8:37 am  #4


Re: How to cope with CD husband

Confused, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Your post has no questions, so what kind of feedback are you looking for specifically? 

I will second what OOHC has said. Take care of yourself and protect yourself. My STBX purchased and purged routinely throughout our marriage. Fortunately, he didn't buy couture and was satisfied with what could be found at the local Salvation Army. Doing this every few months for 20 years does add up though. I also had to be very specific and clear with my spouse because otherwise he would twist and interpret what I said to suit what he wanted. It was all very frustrating and still is.

I also have to wonder just how complacent his first wife was. I wonder just how much his crossdressing had to do with the break up of the marriage.

I know you are in therapy, but please do find a trusted friend or family member that you can confide in. I had trouble truly opening up to my therapist, and did better with a friend. Also, like OOHC said, what would you counsel a friend to do in your situation? What about an adult daughter? Would you want this for her?

Keep posting, and let us know how we can help.

Stay strong.

 

October 2, 2018 9:40 am  #5


Re: How to cope with CD husband

Thanks to everyone who replied - I am overwhelmed with validation of my feelings and emotions, and research and which is empowering and ultra sad at the same time. OOHC is SPOT on about everything, almost as if you are there with me- hearing my thoughts and arguments with myself.

Initially I thought (being a liberal, open minded highly intelligent woman) I would "work" with him to see if this was something I could tolerate. But, my first and strongest feeling was he wants CD more than me. And its so true, because unfortunately he has had a relationship with CD his entire life, me only 3 yrs. And, seeing his response-- and his actions in the past few months has proved that. 

Regarding finances, we keep everything separate. He retired last year, with a large ESOP plan- and is set for the rest of HIS life. When we dated, got engaged it was all about what WE would be able to do when he retired- new home, travel, not worry about $, etc. Since we got married, its been clearly stated many times- ITS HIS MONEY TO DO WHAT HE WANTS WITH IT. And so far he has been very frugal towards anything but things for HIMSELF. He has suggested a few times he would help me $ if I want to go, but his help is deposit/1st mo rent somewhere to get me out, and perhaps a small stipend to buy things I got rid of when we married and I moved into his home. (reminds me often, the solution if I dont like his CD is to just leave his house) 

I see no option but to leave, and I am not afraid of being alone again- but I do pause to consider the effects on my daughter of a divorce, move, possible school change, etc. and want to time it to work best for her. So part of the day I focus on ways to cope, read and research, do therapy, exercise, try to find joy in the little things to muddle through- while devising a plan that will get me out with minimal trauma to my kid.  

All of this combined makes me feel like a human pressure cooker. Coming here and reading peoples stories somehow soothes me for a moment if only just for validation that I am not suffering alone. 
I am sorry that anyone else has ever experienced any of this type of pain. It is super emotional and lonely feeling- which then stirs anger and resentment and self pity and self criticism. I chose wrong. I shouldve waited. I damaged my kids with a fake marriage. Im wasting my sexual prime with  forced abstinence. 
I should be stronger, the list goes on and on. 

I truly appreciate you all- I spent weeks trying to find a place like this- the first layer of CD info I found was all about EMBRACING it, how FUN it is when its shared, blah blah blah. Next layer of info was clinical details about TV/TD/CD/ and all the new and wonderful expansions of the LBGT movement. The third layer was here- actual factual situations with people IN IT. So thank you again, and anything you want to share Ill take. 
Knowledge is power. 

     Thread Starter
 

October 2, 2018 10:47 am  #6


Re: How to cope with CD husband

Confused,

There's no one to blame except the person who tricked you and your children into this abusive situation by pretending to be a decent human being.  Knowledge is power and it definitely confirmed my suspicions that my ex's problems ran deeper than his creepy, secret cross dressing addiction.   You may have already read the information at the following links, but I'll post them again as it is very helpful and validating in describing what is really going on with them and the trauma symptoms we experience as a result of being duped by them. 

https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/compulsive-abusive-sexual-relational-disorder-casrd/

https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/thirteen-dimensions-of-sex-addiction-induced-trauma-sait-among-partners-and-spouses-impacted-by-sex-addiction/

 

Last edited by Lynne (October 2, 2018 10:49 am)

 

October 2, 2018 11:44 am  #7


Re: How to cope with CD husband

I’m so sorry you find yourself here Confused.

The pattern with these people is uncannily similar. And you are right, his relationship with Cd/his alter ego is way stronger than anything he can form with another human being. I’m sure you’ve read up on autogynephilia - the take home is although a partner can compete with the idea of themselves as a woman briefly, it doesn’t last and the attraction to self soon comes back stronger.

Him telling you to leave is cruel but I would snatch his hand off and go! You will be doing yourself and your daughter the biggest service. Life is not supposed to be full of misery, lies, sexual deprivation and manipulation.

The other ladies here have said it all, I can only add my advice to get out as soon as you can and find peace for yourself, even if that is alone.

 

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