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September 6, 2018 2:05 pm  #1


Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

(and for the record..this is not a forgiveness I can be told will be found in a church, or talking to god, or reading scriptures. I am not a religious person)

This morning lying in bed, starting another discussion about "the elephant in our room"...with A immediately on the defensive/seeing it as "having a go" at him as soon as he's awake, he's moved on he says and thinks I should too. That's when it came to me.....I realised why I do it. I need to forgive him for what he's done but can't because I don't trust him anymore so ANY communication between us is tinged with it. But for me to trust him...I need to forgive, and I know it's not really him I'm doing it for. I need to do it for *me* I deserve to be free of the mistrust that's tearing me apart. But.....

I don't even know what Forgiveness looks or feels like. 


 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

September 7, 2018 7:23 pm  #2


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

What is it that he's moved on from??  Forgiveness doesn't make you trust someone.

 

September 7, 2018 7:45 pm  #3


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

Lynne wrote:

What is it that he's moved on from?? ...

 

Moved on from focusing on the experimenting with men. Yes yes....I know what the prevalent thought is/will be. "He hasn't moved on, he'll just go underground" This is my rock and hard place I'm trapped between. Wanting to believe yet not trusting because of past actions. 
It's a very strange and strengthening place to be in my life. There was a time I believed we'd survive this. Now I'm about half way through the statistical 3 year point where most MOMs are given up on. 
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 7, 2018 7:51 pm)


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September 7, 2018 8:34 pm  #4


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

Mine lasted just under three years.  He disclosed in March 2015; I said "no more" in January 2018.  But in September 2016 I knew from his actions what I would have to do.  At that point I could no longer stay in his closet alone, and I told a friend at work and found the SSN forum and made contact by phone with a SSN volunteer. In September 2017 I saw a lawyer, but didn't take any more action than that.  It took from Sept 2016 until January 2018 before I told him I was done. 
    So if you count knowing that we were done as "giving up" I lasted a year and a half.  If you count the time from disclosure to moving out, it was almost smack on three years.  The divorce is now in process, and should be completed before the end of the year. 
  The effort I put in for that year and a half, the trust I extended during that time only to have it abused, the conversations I tried to have with him only to be shut down, and the actions I engaged in then despite my misgivings--I wish I'd gotten out as soon as he disclosed.  The extra three years just piled hurt on hurt, betrayal on betrayal, and trauma on trauma.  The elephant in the room grew ever larger, and there wasn't enough oxygen left for me to breathe.
  I don't know how it will go for you; maybe you won't reach the point of knowing there's no return.  
   
 

 

September 7, 2018 11:26 pm  #5


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Mine lasted just under three years.....I don't know how it will go for you; maybe you won't reach the point of knowing there's no return. 

 

Maybe I will, maybe not.
 


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September 28, 2018 10:16 pm  #6


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

Part of a post on the Chumplady site.  I decided to post it here so it's easier to find..lol

"""Some things you’ll need to have any hope of reconciliation:
1) A complete acceptance of fault on his part. No excuses, no blame on you, just “I messed up, period.”
2) A willingness to work to make things better for you. It’s easy to make things better for oneself, but to work, and give up things to make things better for someone else is part of being a good partner.
3) A willingness to accept a divorce and give you a fair settlement if you can’t get past the betrayal.
4) Complete openness and honesty with you. Statements like “What can I do to help you trust me again?” followed up by doing whatever you ask for, however, difficult or invasive of his privacy.After all of that, you have to get to a place where you are comfortable with him again, where you don’t worry if he’s cheating, where you don’t feel anger or resentment for the bad choices he made, and where you actively choose to stay with him instead of separating from him"""


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October 2, 2018 9:02 am  #7


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

Good points, all, Elloxoh. Earlier, you said: "I don't even know what Forgiveness looks or feels like." I'm not sure that I do either... But I do love my wife. Asked her to marry me again, four years after a broken engagement (she broke it off). We may have to learn to forgive ourselves, as well as our partners. One powerful emotion that has helped me was compassion. My first immediate reaction when my wife finally 'came out' to herself and to me was of compassion and immense sadness for the pain that she'd been living with for so long, without really understanding herself. So understanding the 'why' does now help me to live with and accept (more or less) a sexless and desire-less marriage that nevertheless includes a lot of friendship, fellowship, affection and care...

 

October 2, 2018 1:35 pm  #8


Re: Lack of Trust and Forgiveness

Brassyhub wrote:

.....We may have to learn to forgive ourselves, as well as our partners......But Hub.....what have WE done that we need to forgive OURSELVES for? My first immediate reaction when my wife finally 'came out' to herself and to me was of compassion and immense sadness for the pain that she'd been living with for so long, without really understanding herself.....When my partner admitted desires to explore, along with the hidden account etc...it just made me angry!!!  I don't feel any compassion for any personal angst he may have gone through that lead to the dishonest and hurtful behavior because I felt disrespected as his partner of 30+ years. So understanding the 'why' does now help me to live with and accept (more or less) a sexless and desire-less marriage that nevertheless includes a lot of friendship, fellowship, affection and care...While I can understand the Why....the lack of trust I feel now stops me from believing in him... 

It's great to see you Hub 
 


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