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September 24, 2018 11:58 am  #1


Things People Say

It's been almost 8 months since I discovered my ex is gay and has been lying to me about it for 19 years.
I am so grateful for this forum it is the only place I have found for real empathy, support and understanding.
As I have told people over the past 8 months I seem to get the same few responses:
1. It happens more often than you think.
2. I thought you knew.
3. It was none of my business.
4. You just need to move on.
5. Nothing, nothing at all, as if I didn't say it.
WTF??? I don't understand this world. Even my therapist said nothing. When I asked her why she didn't even look up from her writing pad she said, What do you want me to say? I responded; something empathetic, sympathetic or at least something human, maybe some advice or insight. Then she said, It happens more often than you think. It is in your past, move on from it you can't change it.
Seems a bit cold to me, but then again she has a point.
I'm not sure how I would have responded a year ago if someone told me they discovered their spouse was gay.
My sister was the only person who had an appropriate reaction in my opinion. She was shocked, confused, sympathetic, and offered me any help that I may need. I know I should not expect my friends, neighbors, doctors, and acquaintances to respond as kindly as my family but what's going on here?
I am interested to know what kinds of responses you guys and gals have received when telling others.
What did you find helpful, comforting, or inappropriate?

 

 

September 24, 2018 1:02 pm  #2


Re: Things People Say

“You just need to move on”. Ya, that’s got to be my favorite.  I hate that one.  Yup, a few decades of my life wasted.  People are just too uncomfortable, plain and simple.  Like you said, this has been the only place where I feel connected, with others who are/have lived it.   I have had to let a lot of people go from my life that refused to believe it.  That’s been tough, because they are calling me the liar, when I was the one being lied to.

 

September 24, 2018 1:25 pm  #3


Re: Things People Say

My favorite was ...... "You should have just prayed harder." Really, you mean if I just prayed harder than I already was praying God would miraculously take away my spouse's desire to be a woman? Well, just how hard should I have prayed because I was praying as hard and as much as I thought possible. Oh, and thanks for shifting the blame of the break up and putting it squarely on my shoulders because of what I "didn't" do "hard" enough. Ugh!!

Fortunately, I have also had a hand full of people who have been wonderfully supportive and willing to listen when ever I needed someone, and they were also very tight-lipped about what I was going through when others asked. I am forever grateful to them, and they know that even now after many years, there are things that trigger me, and they continue to be patient and kind. 

 

September 24, 2018 2:40 pm  #4


Re: Things People Say

Leave the gay part out when telling others about what happened to you. It truly minimizes our story and makes people go all "politically correct". Tell them about his behavior. If your ex was a selfish, manipulative liar who scared the crap out of you and still does tell them that..

 

September 24, 2018 3:59 pm  #5


Re: Things People Say

I've told nobody but close family (on my side) and a close friend. None on his side of the family, but lately I've wondered if some of his family know or suspect he's bisexual/ gay....it's not something I feel able to discuss with them.
My close friend was mortified, horrified and adamant I should leave, causing a temporary rift between us. Our children aren't quite sure how to handle it, don't talk about it...and my daughter from my first marriage wants me to leave but realises I have years of codependency to work through so is not pushing me.
Sometimes I wish this would all go away, but I also know I need to be in a stronger position to be okay that it has actually...gone away


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

September 24, 2018 5:04 pm  #6


Re: Things People Say

I agree with Lynne, that sometimes "TGT" is just one piece of the puzzle.    If you want people to understand, you may need to round out the picture a bit.  

Last edited by JenS (September 24, 2018 5:51 pm)

 

September 24, 2018 8:42 pm  #7


Re: Things People Say

I heard: "did you know he was gay?", or "you should feel lucky it was not a women he cheated on you with, that would be worse", 
or " he must struggled his entire life"...etc.
There were those who totally got it too  who said " such a bastard", "coward and such a deceitful liar with no remorse" and I am thankful for those but Lynne is right, if you will leave "gayness" out of the picture, people are more sympaphetic with you, once they know about "gay thing" it is almost like they lose perspective of the fundamental problem here.
I really believe that we as a society are getting morally worse and because of "the political correction" we accept more things as a new norm.

 

September 29, 2018 7:51 am  #8


Re: Things People Say

I am very fortunate to have an amazing support network. Everyone responded with shock. One of my brothers is more angry than I am! The responses that did tick me off were, "I can see you guys being friends once all 'this' is over." Seriously! Why would I want to be friends with someone who has been lying to me for at least that last 15 years of our 27 year marriage! And yes, the political correctness of 'coming out' and 'good for you' bullshit is more than I can bear. One friend said that "good for him, it must have been very hard." I responded that "I am not exactly sympathetic to the man who has been lying to me for years, treating me like crap for most of that time especially the last 9 months AND who cheated on me!"

 

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