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September 13, 2018 9:37 pm  #61


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Brian'sGirl wrote:

Haven't been on here in some time. .

 

Good to see you again It's a long road we travel...and yes, if I'm honest, your focus & emphasis on all things Church to see you through this.....does seem odd to me, but that's because I don't have a religious bone in my body! 
That said....we both you and I..deserve peace of mind from the heartache
and there is more than one way to find it

Luck to you both

 
Don't mean to sound weird about my faith. These are big changes for us. My career is service and ministerial based, I am a social worker and a pastor's wife so my life has been consumed by church all of my life. However, we have given notice of retirement to our church and while we hope to find a church we feel comfortable attending, we have begun to become more involved in Secular activities as well. We plan to move ur lives in a direction that we are both looking forward to, but our faith will always play an mportant part. And yes, we do deserve some peace of mind. As I am often on the to do about most things, religious guilt, I guess,  I often find myself wondering how I could have made things better or different. Lck to you as well!

 

September 13, 2018 10:30 pm  #62


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Brian'sGirl wrote:

....... I often find myself wondering how I could have made things better or different. Lck to you as well!

Cheers BG I used to angst and wonder if only I'd been stronger-minded and said no! to all the things my partner suggested (open r'ship)...that this end result (the lies, the secrets) would never have happened. But I know now it would have just meant him doing all that stuff in secret anyway, the only positive that I may have found out sooner. 
If there's one thing I've learned it's that I can never retrace my steps, no matter how sad it makes me. I'm amazed at the brave face I wear for the world, and even though I have a distraught, suicidal son (in another country), another younger son who shouldn't have to worry about me, a daughter who has a sick husband, and another daughter in the US who needs to concentrate on her work.....I'm trying to wear that facade because I should be the stronger one. 
Sometimes I just want to.....you know, scream!

Counselor's appointment next Thursday...yes!


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

September 15, 2018 9:29 pm  #63


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

It has been a good week for my Brian and me. Monday was my Birthday and He cooked me a delicious dinner and then took me to an evening Piano Recital. I took the day off work Wednesday and we went to a Museum and had lunch out.,Friday was dinner out and a movie. I am thankful that we still take time together to do the things we enjoy. But the world is still tilted on it's axis and I am still figuring all of this out. Thank goodness that our marriage and relationship is built on more than our sexual life. At about 38 I started into a 3 year period of various illnesses and had 7 surgeries within that time. Was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer which was a devastating blow. Brian soon after suffered a mini stroke and they found a tumor on the pituitary gland which caused his blood pressure to skyrocket. Over the next few years Brian was quite ill, going through a couple of surigcal procedures and then after years of misdiagnosis, He was diagnosed with a rare,  incurable disease, with tumors growing on his nerve endings throughout his entire body. He lives in constant pain.I was diagnosed with a liver disease last year. At times He can be bedfast for days, sometimes weeks.. Our sex life has been a challenge because of our physical conditions, although we can be creative at times, and if we did not have such a good relationship we could not have made it this far into our marriage.Through all of our challenges, struggles, and myriad of issues, we have retained a deep friendship and love. I have to believe that we will make it through this latest challenge. I get that not everyone could, would, or should take the path that we have chosen,, but for us it works. Some days it is difficult juggling my emotions but I love this man, he has been my dearest friend, my support for 28 years. I guess I just feel we have been through worse than this. I want to keep our marriage and family together.

Last edited by Brian'sGirl (September 15, 2018 9:34 pm)

 

September 16, 2018 4:47 pm  #64


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Brian'sGirl wrote:

It has been a good week for my Brian and me. Monday was my Birthday Happy Birthday for last Monday! and He cooked me a delicious dinner and then took me to an evening Piano Recital. I took the day off work Wednesday and we went to a Museum and had lunch out.,Friday was dinner out and a movie. I am thankful that we still take time together to do the things we enjoy. But the world is still tilted on it's axis and I am still figuring all of this out. Thank goodness that our marriage and relationship is built on more than our sexual life. We spend most of our downtime doing things together too, but the sexual component of our r'ship, which played an important, enjoyable & exciting part in our life together took an almighty hit with "the revelations". I too am still figuring it all out. At about 38 I started into a 3 year period of various illnesses and had 7 surgeries within that time. Was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer which was a devastating blow. Brian soon after suffered a mini stroke and they found a tumor on the pituitary gland which caused his blood pressure to skyrocket. Over the next few years Brian was quite ill, going through a couple of surigcal procedures and then after years of misdiagnosis, He was diagnosed with a rare, incurable disease, with tumors growing on his nerve endings throughout his entire body. He lives in constant pain.I was diagnosed with a liver disease last year. At times He can be bedfast for days, sometimes weeks.. One of the reasons I felt so loved, comfortable-relying on.....was the way my man took care of me when I was ill for months. I can't quite marry the compassion it seemed he felt then with the lack of compassion he has for my feelings now. I realise there are years between the 2 examples I've given but the fact is there's a definite lack of respect & integrity for me now, which is all part of figuring this mess out. Our sex life has been a challenge because of our physical conditions, although we can be creative at times, and if we did not have such a good relationship we could not have made it this far into our marriage.Through all of our challenges, struggles, and myriad of issues, we have retained a deep friendship and love. I have to believe that we will make it through this latest challenge. I get that not everyone could, would, or should take the path that we have chosen,, but for us it works. Some days it is difficult juggling my emotions but I love this man, he has been my dearest friend, my support for 28 years. I guess I just feel we have been through worse than this. I want to keep our marriage and family together. While it seems that we are destined to be together always.....I think we have different reasons for thinking this. My partner seems caught in between his desires for 'other' things and the comfortable life we have and the responsibility he probably feels for my well-being. I realise since I'm the one who feels wronged/untrusting....then ultimately it will be MY decision to end it or continue. 
Rock and a hard place.....ROCK AND A HARD PLACE...!!! 

 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

October 22, 2018 5:11 pm  #65


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Rock and a hard place, indeed. Many times, a MOM feels like being forced to choose between several distasteful options, with no good or obvious answers. In December, 2018, I will be a year out from when my husband asked for permission to go have sex with other men. We are still together, 19 years now, and have no plans to separate. But I have lost my sense of peace, safety, and contentment with him. I've heard from other long-term MOM wives that it IS possible to regain those things, and since he didn't cheat or lie to me (other than omission of his desires, which felt like an explosion because he suppressed them for so long), I'm hoping we will be one of the lucky ones who "make it." 

It's so hard, though. Some days, you wonder why you're putting yourself through this, other days it almost seems like you're back to where you were before things blew apart. I do think it's similar to grief, though... that we go through stages, that we don't progress in a linear fashion, that one person's journey will be totally unique from everyone else's, that there will be a mix of bad days and good days (hopefully more of the latter as time passes). Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... I think I'm probably bouncing back and forth between the middle three stages. I'd give my left arm to know the date that Acceptance will set in... I often feel like I can put up with just about ANYTHING, as long as I know how long I need to bear it so I can pace myself and manage my resources. But this... I've heard women who basically say, "Sure, Honey, go for it! Let's open up our marriage so you can have fun, just be safe and come home to me after... but I might still be out with my own boyfriend!" And then there are those who struggle for decades. And if I knew for sure that I'm going to be wrestling with the anxiety, depression, anger, and loss for years ahead of me... if I knew that, ten years from now, I'd still feel the way I do today... I'd break us up right this second. I could not possibly bear knowing that I will feel like I'm holding him back, that I worry about not being enough for him, that he's staying with me out of obligation, for all those years. And I don't want either of us to spin our wheels, waiting for something that isn't going to happen. We might as well move on and rebuild with people who we fit better with, who we are mutually attracted to.

But things HAVE shifted in the last ten months. People who have been doing this for years tell me that what I'm struggling with now, they also grappled with, and they did overcome it. My current stress is that many of them now have open marriages, or at least the husband's side is open, and right now I just cannot imagine that for me... the mere thought of it sends my anxiety through the roof. I HAVE read about long-term MOMs that are monogamous, but they are older couples and I suspect they just have quit bothering about sex altogether. 

So all that to say... yes, I hear you all. This is the single hardest thing that we have had to weather together, and we've been through infant/parent deaths, foreclosure, multiple cross-country moves, chronic illness/injuries, and borderline poverty. The reason this one is the worst is that all the rest, we could combine forces and felt like we were tackling the problem together... this is the first thing that has come between us in all of those 19 years. If we make it, I think we have the potential to have a really amazing and powerful partnership... and that's why I'm still here, fighting for this marriage.

As long as it feels possible, I'm going to keep working at it. 

 

October 22, 2018 7:07 pm  #66


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

YazPistachio wrote:

 

So much of your post resonated with me Yaz. Looking back 18 months, at my own partner admission of wanting 'more'....I can see a different person to the one I am now. I am less. Less open, less warm, less trusting, less hopeful. But there seems to be a vein of strength that runs through all these that tells me "don't give up" though if the time ever comes that I do give up....I'll see it and know it and do it
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 22, 2018 7:08 pm)


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

October 22, 2018 8:46 pm  #67


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

I figure I'd rather fight a little longer for fruitless results and be certain if and when I throw in the towel, than to give up too early and always wonder, "What if.... ?" 

But it's a fine line, indeed. 

 

October 23, 2018 7:23 am  #68


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

How to cultivate a grateful heart? How to let go or eradicate the anger, bitterness and frustration? I'm having a period of waking very early, 3 or 4am, and not being able to get back to sleep. The daily pain of not being desired, of perhaps never having been desired. My wife trusted a promise that she felt from God that feelings for me would come, love would be given, if she trusted and said 'yes' in faith. And they never were, despite her long years of struggle to be free of her same-sex desires and attractions. She remained attracted to women, and she's felt desire, passion for other women that she's never felt for me. But she's given me as much of herself as she is able to give. How to live grateful for that, for the part that I have received, the affection and friendship and care and loyalty? Grateful for the many good things that we share, for the good life that we have, even though there's no sexual component. Nearly 40 years of marriage; 5 years post coming out.

 

October 23, 2018 4:11 pm  #69


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

Brassyhub, is opening your marriage an option? That might be a way for you to feel desired, if that is a need of yours (and I happen to think it is an entirely reasonable and appropriate need).

Are you seeing a therapist? They may have some ideas that could support you in this venture.

I have found practicing meditation daily to be very grounding and healing, as well as using a "three good things" journal each night (where you jot down three good things that happened to you during that day; it resets your brain to a place of gratitude just before you go to sleep, and helps retrain your brain towards a happier place... I didn't make this up, there's studies out there about it!). 

Yale also put their "happiness course" online, for free. Perhaps running through it and cherry-picking the things that resonate with you the best might be helpful in finding your way towards a place of peace and contentment. The Science of Well-Being

Good luck, Brassyhub! We are rooting for you!

 

November 3, 2018 7:01 pm  #70


Re: Anyone have experiences with staying together?

It is good and encouraging to hear about the personal journeys of others in this seemingly upside down world. Brian and I have very open communication with each other concerning our needs and desires, our goals for our relationshiop, our marriage. No, this isn't what I expected when we married nearly 28 yrs ago, but it is where we are now and we want to continue. We have forged a life together, a good life and one which neither of us wants to lose. We have been through so much together throughout the years and I cannot imagne what life would be like without him. We have a deep bond of friendship which I find so vital in our relationship. I ask questions, I comment if my views on a subject differ from his own, He makes a point of asking what my thoughts and feelings are. I feel like our friendship, our mutual respect takes us far. Brian has come out to our eldest daughter and eldest grandson, a few very close friends, and his therapist. This has been quite an ordeal because of the Complex PTSD he has been diagnosed and suffers with. I don't want to portray our marriage as some fairytale, we work very hard at keeping our marriage and family together. That is something we want very badly!

Last edited by Brian'sGirl (November 3, 2018 7:04 pm)

 

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