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August 31, 2018 1:33 pm  #1


Controlling or Not?

So my family and I recently moved to a new area.  The area we live in is really nice.. gated community... police are always patrolling to keep it safe.  We recently had a salesman come to our door from a pretty well known security company.  I had wanted to get a camera for our doorway, and something a little more "high tech", to notify me when someone is at the door (I hardly EVER hear the door ring, and have missed packages for work).  So when this "salesman" came to the door, I thought it would be a good idea, because it offered the door alerts, and cameras etc.  I told him that I would definitely have to run it by my husband first.  The man came in, and wrote down everything we discussed along with prices.  He was very professional.  

​I called my husband and told him about the security system and expressed that it may be a good idea (Did I mention I have kiddos).  Well after explaining everything to him he asked me if I let the man in our house.  I told him I did briefly to have him write down prices and such.  My husband then complained that he wanted no other men in our house while he was gone.  This has now erupted into a big argument.  Am I wrong for doing this? 

 

August 31, 2018 2:19 pm  #2


Re: Controlling or Not?

Seems a bit controlling but is it due to some sort of insecurity or a safety concern? I think you'd have to cross reference this with any other incidents, if there are any. Things like contact with male friends or acquaintances you may have. Stuff like that.

 

August 31, 2018 2:29 pm  #3


Re: Controlling or Not?

Thank you for your response.  I do not have any male friends and that is the God honest truth.  I have a very strong relationship with my father, and a couple of my cousins.  But other then that I have been married for 8yrs, and feel like I have had to let go of male friends, even friends that we as a couple would associate with due to, what I believe are insecurities.  I will admit that he has told me before to not let men into our home.  However, I believe in situations like these I don't see where there is harm.  The salesman had a company truck, shirt, and only came in briefly to write things down for me.  My husband has expressed that it is a safety thing, but I feel that I am capable to keep our home safe.  There was another incident with a neighbor (before we moved here).  We, my husband and I did a favor for this couple's kids across the street.  As a returned favor or repayment the husband came over and installed a very small peephole for our door (it took maybe 5mins at most).  The wife came with him.  This incident too set my husband off about not letting men into our house.  There are several more.    

     Thread Starter
 

August 31, 2018 4:27 pm  #4


Re: Controlling or Not?

Putting aside the “safety issue”,  I think I’m seeing the bigger picture you’re talking about.  I worked mostly with men, so XH did not have much to say about that.  But reading you’re story brought to my mind an incident about 10 years into my marriage.   

We were on a cruise and socializing with some of the ships officers.  I was asked to dance (and I love to dance, XH would rarely) in front of my husband and I said yes.  It was a fast swing dance and I had a blast.  When the song was over, my husband had left.  I went to our cabin to find him in a complete tirade.  He was furious.  I didn’t get it, I kept explaining that it was right in front of him.  But he kept going on and on that the officer should have asked his permission.  I promised I would never do it again, it still almost ruined our European cruise.

Looking back, I now know, that the narcissist was pissed off because I was his property.  I was kind of a trophy to him, his pretty wife (who in the end drowned my sorrows in food, still pretty , but heavy, lol). He was furious after the divorce when I lost the weight lol.

Best wishes
4ever

 

August 31, 2018 4:31 pm  #5


Re: Controlling or Not?

I just looked and saw this was your first post.  I just want to wish you good luck with the answers you’re searching for, something has brought you on here.  It took me 22 years to figure it out.  I also just noticed your last statement asking “if you are wrong”. My XH, controlled me so much and I second guessed everything.  He actually had me believing that I was always wrong.

Instead of asking if you were wrong.  Start asking yourself if you are right?

Last edited by 4everdamaged (August 31, 2018 4:35 pm)

 

August 31, 2018 7:08 pm  #6


Re: Controlling or Not?

Thank you for your reply.  I recently spoke with my husband and he is sure it is because of the safety issue that he is not wanting other men in our house.  I honestly believe it is something deeper as far as with jealousy because I too have dealt with more incidents then just this.  I told myself this year I would no longer conform to someone when I know I am not doing anything wrong.  My husband up until recently has had a "secret" life, and though I am still with him.... Love him deeply I will no longer conform to things I know aren't bad.  I believe I have earned trust when he has completely failed at it.  The argument still stands as long as I am NOT agreeing to letting other men in our home.  I feel like this is a impossible request.  I feel like if someone comes to our door that benefits us then I am going to let them in.  God forbid something breaks while my husband is out of town.... I hate this feeling.

     Thread Starter
 

September 1, 2018 7:32 am  #7


Re: Controlling or Not?

Thank you for your reply.  I recently spoke with my husband and he is sure it is because of the safety issue that he is not wanting other men in our house.  I honestly believe it is something deeper as far as with jealousy because I too have dealt with more incidents then just this.  I told myself this year I would no longer conform to someone when I know I am not doing anything wrong.  My husband up until recently has had a "secret" life, and though I am still with him.... Love him deeply I will no longer conform to things I know aren't bad.  I believe I have earned trust when he has completely failed at it.  The argument still stands as long as I am NOT agreeing to letting other men in our home.  I feel like this is a impossible request.  I feel like if someone comes to our door that benefits us then I am going to let them in.  God forbid something breaks while my husband is out of town.... I hate this feeling.

     Thread Starter
 

September 7, 2018 9:17 am  #8


Re: Controlling or Not?

I'm sorry, but HOW can it be about safety when 1. he blew up about the neighbor guy in your house when his WIFE was with him? And 2. he's essentially driven all the trusted males (father, brother, etc.) out of your life? Does he not trust THOSE men? Are you able to see trusted men outSIDE of the house? Are other men allowed into your home when your husband is present? Is HE in charge of other men being invited in?  You need to dissect these answers, because it'll tell you where the real issue lies.  If HE can allow men into your home, then take a look at how that plays out - is it only when you/the kids aren't present? Then it's about you and the kids.  Does he allow men in when you are present? Then it's about his judgement vs. yours.  Does he not allow any men in at ALL - EVER? Then it's about his territory.  If he also doesn't allow you to see trusted men outside of the house, then you, too are his territory.  As are the kids.

I get that we women sometimes don't understand the sheer physical capabilities of men, or fully grasp just how ill-intentioned some men can be.  Our men often protect us from that - not only by being with us, but by giving us instructions on how to keep ourselves safer than we might naturally do.  HOWEVER,.... you are LETTING him dictate certain things to you that I feel he doesn't have the right to.  Especially if he's not letting you see trusted men outside of the house, too.  Who is HE to say that you can spend zero time with any males, no matter who they are, how well-trusted they are - even if they're family? WHY are you letting him dictate to you whether or not you can see your own family, sweetie?

I'd get to the bottom of this right quick - because it would VERY much bother me to be treated like I'm a child who's being told not to answer the door when the parents are away.  You're a grown-ass woman, and you should have the right to make your own decisions about your and your childrens' safety - especially if you've never had ill judgement before that's resulted in something happening.

Personally, I think he's wants to be the only male in your life.  He's started by saying that no other man can be in the home - because he can make it look like it's about your own safety.  Because he knows that telling you outright that he doesn't want any other man in your life but him would look nuts. He knows this is unreasonable, so he's trying to hide his controlling behind the mask of it being for your own good.  But really, this has nothing whatsoever to do with you - he's not concerned for YOU - he's terrified that giving any male access to you will result in you leaving him.  It means that he doesn't trust YOU - that males hold the power, and any man that's given access to you can and will take you away from him - as if YOU have no choice in the matter.  It speaks to the fact that you are a possession that can be stolen - like a treasure off a shelf.  That's unreasonable, and should not result in you pandering to that kind of fear.

Understand that this kind of fear on his part could be from several different types of things.  It could be from his past - maybe someone "stole" his mother away from his father.  Or maybe HE'S stolen someone away from their man. Maybe he's currently doing that. It seems to me that the most fearful, controlling people are often that way because they understand how easily it can be done - becuase THEY're doing it currently.  People who constantly accuse their spouse of cheating (with no reason to) are often the ones that are cheating. Because they know that they are letting no signs show, so it's possible the same is true of you.  It makes no sense from the outside, because WHY would someone so fearful of you being taken from them being currently taking themSELVES from YOU, right?  But it's a fear based in their current reality - of what they're currently doing.

If you feel you are safe with expressing your thoughts and feelings to your husband, then I would absolutely put my foot down about this and tell him that you have no intention of letting him be this controlling of you.  And that continuing along this path will result in the two of you winding up in counseling (they always hate counseling because it reveals their real underlying issues).  He will likely relent for a while, then test the waters over time and try again to be controlling.  These types of people will either behave for a while because of what they fear they will lose, or they will throw a fit about you not letting them be that controlling.  Neither is good.  Realising what their behavior is saying and how it affects their relationship is the realization you want.  But at this point, he will most likely not bend in that direction without psychological help.

Ke


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 7, 2018 10:50 am  #9


Re: Controlling or Not?

Me2525, 
I don't think has little to do with a man being in the house but more to do with your husband does NOT want security cameras in the house or at the door because he personally doesn't want to be monitored. 
From what your story tells, he is controlling, lies and has given you two STD's. The only way you are going to have peace in your life is when you feel safe. This is not so much from the people that the police potrol to keep out but from the contentment of knowing you are safe from any more of your husbands lies and bullshit. Not to mention the strangers he may have allowed in your home 'to host' his special meetups.

Do yourself a favor. Install all the hidden cameras you can without him knowing, then you and your kids take a little trip to visit grandma or whoever and play as if everything is just fine.
Leave him with a big I love you kiss and give him all the freedom he needs for that window of your absence .
They sell these cameras many places and you can montior it from your phone via internet. Or get help from an outsider, like the salesman who you could probably trust more than your husband. 
If he busts you you got plenty of reasons for doing so.
If you bust him then you have your answer. Best luck to you.


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

September 8, 2018 1:46 pm  #10


Re: Controlling or Not?

Lynne wrote:

Sorry if I missed something, but is your H gay?

I missed that, too, but it may be in a different thread.

This situation is setting off all kinds of alarm bells for me, and I agree with Scrupulous.  I think he's afraid of being monitored in some way.

The important life lesson I learned from my own situation was this: there's no such thing as "irrational behavior" (except in cases of actual mental illness or drug interactions or something like that).  All behavior is rational.  There's only behavior that appears to us to be irrational, because we don't have all the facts.

So applying that rule to your husband's behavior, if the rational explanation for his behavior is not apparent from the facts you've cited ... then that means there are probably more facts that you haven't learned about yet.

Some guys do get crazy jealous when other guys notice their wives ... but I notice that both of the incidents you've told here involve issues of privacy and security.

 

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