Soconfused, my STBX is also trans. When she came out to me, she said that she had bought things and purged them routinely during our 20+ year marriage/relationship. Apparently, it is quite common, too. They buy things and dress up, and something happens - either moral/religious convictions or realize they just can't go out in public, etc., and they decide to "purge" everything and deny they urges that caused the dressing in the first place. 

But yes, absolutely protect yourself. Find out the laws in your state and take action. Surgeries, drugs, and clothing can all add up, and you could find your joint accounts slipping away. 

Stay Strong

Lily,
   Thanks for clarifying, and I'm sorry that I misinterpreted the motivation for your question.  I over-reacted because I thought you were saying, in effect, something like "if you knew about his cross dressing all these years why are you bothered by it now?"  I jumped to a conclusion out of defensiveness, and I'm sorry I imputed those motives to you--I should know you better by now and react with more trust and generosity.
   I had the reaction of being grossed out by my husband's aping of woman, too, and I think that it was due to this: when I thought my husband was "just dressing up" and "just acting out a gender bending fantasy" I continued to see him as my husband, male, and I could go along with it.  The farther along he got, the more delusional, the more he inhabited his new persona, the more "trans" he got, maybe you could say, and the less "male," the less he was my "husband" and the more he was just my "spouse" (I was never going to be ok with him calling himself my "wife," even if he had every surgery known to man , the odder and odder and more grotesque the whole thing seemed.  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 28, 2018 6:57 am)

Thank you all. It helps so much to be understood. 

I've thought a lot about why I'm grossed out, and I think it might be a mix of both sexual repulsion, and being confused/repelled by the dishonesty. He might be trans. He might not. It feels more like trying to run from something I don't know about. It feels so phony. 

Being lied to is confusing. I'm honest, not perfect, but honest, and I keep being surprised by his lies. Not my mind, I know enough to suspect lies. But my heart is taken off guard. He seems sincerely sorry when we do talk.  I think maybe he is, at least he thinks he is in whatever box in his mind he is in at the moment. But then he goes to another box and it's all gone. 

Why is it so hard to let go? How do I do that?

I've been reading other posts. The one by Addie01, asking if it's ok to be kind and caring, is what I feel. I care about my husband. When we talk I feel connected. I read the advice from OHC and Kel, and it really strikes home. Can I quote from different threads on this thread?  

I do feel like a prop. His needs, his wants, are what counts, more than the marriage, more than any feelings he has for me. Addiction sounds right. Still hurts though. I guess I just need to keep reading and try to realize other people have made it through this and I will too. Eventually. 

It's true, I am expecting more of myself than he would ever ask of himself. I haven't asked that much of him, definitely less than what I ask of myself, but apparently not even close to what he wants from me. I gave him honesty, loyalty, love, commitment. He gave me lies, self centeredness and not much commitment, way less than he promised when we married.  What is up with that? Male socialization means no responsibilities? Male is probably the wrong word there, I'm sure there are men who are honest and loyal can can commit. Wish I had one of those.