Required reading from Detour (full thread here: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1297): 

"In my humble opinion, the translation to the "I'm bisexual but will never act on this" statement, well, this equals..."I do not care if I am hurting you, this is all about me, seriously, you are not my everything, behind your back I am looking at men, working to fit into this newfound identity.  This is my excuse for never really being present with you, but instead looking past you and not fully appreciating your voice, your heart, your love or place in my life."  There comes a point, however, that this can no longer be about them, who they are attracted to, if they are with us or not, there comes a point to where we must take full responsibility for ourselves and our path forward.  I mean, look at how much time we are fretting over this issue...we are placing someone else's confusion under a microscope, looking for a truth that may always be on the other side of what is in view. One day I woke up, announced to my H (declaring that he owns his own baggage and that I was no longer carrying that weight for him) and decided to really get busy in therapy.  No more games, there is no time for games and time is so very precious to me...I deserve a good life filled with happy and that is what I'm aiming for. So here's the thing... I've changed.  I see my own value and I matter.  To be absolutely honest, I do NOT want a relationship with anyone right now.  I do not wish to fall into any sort of distraction away from finding myself.  I'm working on my self esteem, the why I have enabled just about everyone in my life to walk all over me and I'm trying new hobbies, I've adopted a new look and a new approach at everything.  Do you know what?  I've taken on the idea that I want to live today that makes yesterday jealous.  I'm working to erase an unhealthy pattern where I'm waiting for him to get his act together.  I'm done waiting, that limbo is no place to live. As for my H, this all goes so much deeper than an announcement on how he identifies.  I mean honestly, so what, right?  Big deal.  Bi is an excuse...a way to cast a shadow over a marriage that should reflect both people being in it at 100%.  That excuse gives them a way to play us and everyone who is effected by our relationship, including our children.  They have an excuse to check out, to be moody, make everything they do and say have a double meaning...or not...to have everything revolve around them.  That works to keep us off balance and to impose a net over us and our existence.  They fantasize while believing the grass is greener on the other side of the fence when in the end, this has more to do with their inability to get real about life and to be connected to anyone.  The bottom line is that I am not into playing this game any longer.  This is my life too and like I said before, I matter.  That is how I see it and that is exactly what I think about the announcement on being bi.  I mean honestly, "good for you husband, but every word you say, doubt you cast, flirt you extend towards others, removes something important between us....the level of commitment I feel for you."  Once that is gone, once I no longer care, there is no turning back.  As a matter of fact, "thank you for this opportunity for me to take that information and use it towards sorting out what I want out of life."   

Wow! Detour and I had a fascinating exchange about husbands who believe sexual abuse made them gay. Here is the link: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=13221#p13221. 

Last edited by Sean (August 23, 2018 9:36 am)

Thanks for posting Violated. I'm taking the liberty of re-posting your brilliant move to "out" your husband: 

"Sean, I finally took the first step and separated. I just discovered TGT (gay porn, anal dildos, no sex with me for years, he admitted to one sexual encounter with a man 10 years ago)  after 40 years of marriage. After I confronted him , he told me he was "bicurious" then "bisexual" and then he later denied telling me even that. Every conversation we had he changed his story and rationalized his behavior. Finally, I called him on an overnight business trip, (because I could of never done it in person), I decided to trick him into believing I could be more open about our marriage if he needed to satisfy his sexual needs. Well, he took the bait, and told me he would like to hookup with a businessman maybe in his 50's one a month, I asked him why not a younger guy and he told me a younger guy would not be "turned on" by his age but would be a "turn on" for him.  He said he may be able to post on line, so then I found his post where he responded to an add on CL to a man on the "DL", But my husband's note to him stated," Married, Professional man, good looking,  looking for someone in the same position for safe, discreet play. Limited experience here, just want to occasionally explore this area of interest" He even sent a picture of himself. When I came home, my H told me he was not going to pursue hooking up on line, that he was "too old." I then slammed him, told him there was NO Way I would ever agree to that , he then claimed he was "just fantasy" and "we were just talking in the hypothetical."

Absolutely brilliant. Heartbreaking but so well played. Please keep us posted regarding your divorce my friend. For every straight spouse posting here, I reckon there are dozens following your progress. Be well. 

 

You have come a very long way my friend. I'd encourage you to keep posting Violated, either here or on your own thread, as I reckon it helps other straight spouses. 

Thank you for writing Violated. In reply: 

1. Sean, I need your help.....again. I am no longer confused that my husband is gay.

Good for you! 

2. My husband is slowly coming to terms with it, also. We have come to terms regarding separation of our assets.

It sounds like you're making good progress. 

3. And we still want to remain an important part in each other's lives. We have been married for 44 years, and we were and are "best friends." But for me more than him, I can not remain in this "marriage," now that I know the truth. He is being fair regarding letting me have the house. He has told me that he will always love me and he never intended to hurt me. I have always seen the good in my husband, I hate what he has done to me, but I still love and care for him. He intends to remain in the closet. he is extremely homophobic. We are still living in the same house, separate bedrooms. I have been distancing myself from him with new friends and social events, but also still go out for dinner with him and run errands with him. Our plan is to divorce and he plans to move to AZ and I will stay in FL once he retires in 6 months. We have talked about TGT and there is nothing more to talk about. I have no more questions. We have cried, and now we both just want peace and happiness. We talk about still traveling together after we divorce. He has guilt and shame, I have resentment issues.

I think it's a very good idea to live apart...and on opposite sides of the country. Given my own experience with separation/divorce and what I've read here, you'll likely go through an angry phase. This is normal. No one can spend decades in a f*cked up and (likely) abusive relationship and walk away without scars. 

4. Sorry for the rambling on but here are my questions: (I am being blunt, sorry for being so descriptive here) I am 64 years old , I am heterosexual but as a woman of my age, I am not actively seeking sex, I am fulfilled w/o sex. I desire intimacy perhaps more than sex. But for a lot of woman my age, sexual intercourse can be painful. Thinning of the vaginal wall can cause bleeding during intercourse. So I prefer to avoid intercourse. Having said that, as men age they have their issues too with sexual performance, prostrate issues, ED issues. My husband has issues with ED, I have found male enhancement supplements, but he continues to go to sex shops, use anal dildos, prostrate massagers.  I recently found when he was searching for new homes in AZ, he was also searching for gay bars in AZ.  I am just confused, why do gay men have to engage in gay sex? (I am heterosexual but I don't need to go to sex shops or seek out sex with strangers or watch porn.)  Why even at his age, does he desire gay sex so much, that he will even seek it out from strangers?

Before reading my answers, please keep in mind that I am not a mental heath professional. So what I'm about to share is just my opinion. I believe that gay men who marry women eventually go through a form of "delayed gay adolescence." For me, after I admitted to my (then) wife and myself that I was gay, I went on a two-year sex binge. I reverted to being a self-centred teenager while having sex with every man in a 20-mile radius. While I thought I wanted just sex, what I truly wanted was love. I wanted to be in a relationship with another man. Gay men tend to have sex first with the relationship (if any) coming after. And many gay men get stuck in "Peter Pan" mode...meaning that they go from hook up to hook up without ever developing a healthy, loving, long-term relationship. 

5. Does there come a point where my gay husband even at the age of 65 years, can have a committed relationship with a man, can he lead an authentic  true life for himself?  He says he will date women after we divorce......I am appalled that he says this....he claims he did not intentionally intend to hurt me, but he intends to date another woman....and deceive her.....What BS! 

I think wanting the best for a man who hurt you and lied to you demonstrates what a kind, loving, and caring person you are Violated. So bravo for being a terrific person. With regards to your husband, I think he'll only be able to love another man IF he gets over his own self-hatred. I truly believe that I can only love others as much as I love myself. I HATED myself for being gay, for not being the man my wife needed, and until recently I loathed myself for breaking up my family. Sex with men helped for a time but hook ups are like a "Big Mac" fix. A steady diet of just sex eventually made me sick. I was in a gay sauna not too long ago and don't think I need them anymore. While saunas were exciting and stimulating just a few months ago, the men there now strike me as just sad, lost, and lonely. I much prefer the intimacy of a long-term relationship with my boyfriend. So what's my point? Yes I believe your ex-husband can find true love and perhaps a long-term relationship. But he first has to have a loving and honest relationship with himself. I reckon he's planning to move to a gay-friendly town in Arizona or perhaps the gay village in a larger city. Hopefully being around emotionally-stable gay men will help him accept himself. But after so many decades of denial, he's got a long road ahead of himself. 

6. Oh well, I don't even know if my questions make any sense to you......again, I am just trying to understand. I just was hoping now that I have accepted that my husband is gay, after we divorce, he will change his behavior, become a man of integrity, be a gay man of integrity, not continue to deceive woman, pretend he is straight.......I can accept a man in my x husband's life, not another woman......

Please focus on yourself as well my friend. You too deserve love, intimacy, and a man who's crazy about you. Once you and he divorce, he's no longer your responsibility. This should free you up to focus 100% on yourself and your own happiness. 

I hope that helps. Be well! 
 

Sean, thank you so much for your response. You always help me face my reality. Your statement, "He's no longer your responsibility," wow.........hit me. I always been his caretaker. But as sad as it is , I also realize that to him I am replaceable. 

Thanks for the reality check. I will keep you posted on my progress..........Onward.