OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Kel
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Re: Gay and Now Divorcing
"he admitted that it probably wouldn't have mattered if I had done everything right and good, that we still wouldn't be able to stay together, because we are incompatible, because I am a woman."
That ^ right ^ there ^
Do you see that? That's the only true thing he may have told you about your marriage. And WHY did he tell you that? Because instead of just placing the blame at your feet so that he could feel better, you were trying to FIX it by suggesting counseling. And he didn't WANT it FIXED. He knows that you can't fix it. He never wanted you to - the issue isn't YOU, hon; it's that you aren't a man. And whose fault is it for choosing a woman when he was attracted to men? HIS. NONE of this was your fault.
What he should have said was "I'm finally ready to embrace (or give into - whichever is more accurate) the fact that I'm gay." Instead, he essentially told you that he was unhappy because of things you were doing - or not doing - that he needed. That.wasn't.the.truth. The truth was that you never could make him happy - because he's not attracted to women. He made you think this was all your fault because he couldn't take the blame himself - he wasn't man enough to do that. So he made you feel like crap, and then made you spin trying to fix it all, so that he could in the end tell you none of it would have mattered anyway. That you could have been perfect, and it still wouldn't have worked. Why didn't he just tell you that in the FIRST place? That was the truth then, and it has been all along.
He lied to himself, and he lied to you. He's gay. It was never going to work with ANY woman - even one who would have perfectly met the needs of a straight man.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Abby
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Re: Gay and Now Divorcing
Today I am sorting through my old files that I took with me when I moved out of the marital home after we sold it. I came across one with notes and clippings about how to make a marriage work: names of books to read, groups with retreats etc.
Most telling was a handwritten note to myself dated 12/31/97 listing websites "visited on home computer. Not visited by me!" At least two had "gay" in them. The family computer was used by all family members including our children but the oldest then was only 10. I would have known that it had to be accessed by my husband but I was still clinging to the "bi" he'd admitted to in counseling at the beginning of our marriage. Even though he by then showed NO sexual interest in me and hadn't for years. And I thought that somehow if I did the right something he'd tip back towards me.
I still remember the immense relief I felt years later when I finally grasped after his great reveal that he was - AND KNEW HE WAS - gay all along. It wasn't mourning but morning! I became determined to make the most of the time I had left. I used humor liberally: told people I was moving because he came out of he closet and we sold the house. When I learned he had told people we were separating because we'd grown apart I corrected that misinformation: we were separating because I hadn't grown a part. When people said I looked great I told them I'd lost 150 lbs (him) and it actually felt as if I had.
Don't trying to figure out what you could have done differently. Think about what you want your life to be like and work towards the goals you set for yourself. It does get better.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- 4everdamaged
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Re: Gay and Now Divorcing
Dog lover ,
My XH, made me feel like a queen (in the beginning). I know now that I was a prime target (due to my messed up childhood) to be controlled by someone like him. I was a cover for 22 years (he never has come out of the closet). I lived on all the lies and the “fairytale” of the 1st few years of our marriage). In the end everything was my fault, I got fat, I got sick, I wouldn’t do drugs etc etc etc
The bottom line is , none of it was my fault (other then not having the self esteem to leave many many years ago). It was always HIS lie and not mine. But I “loved him” and lived in denial, until I had nothing to live for. And then I finally realized that there was nothing I could ever do to save my marriage . My story is extreme (I’ve posted it). In some ways he did me a favor, I thought I would never stop crying over the loss of my marriage (until the day he tried to kill me). Now I’m grateful to be alive. I don’t cry over the loss of my marriage anymore, it was all a lie. Lies lies lies, a life of it.
Now I live in the truth, I’m a good person, who is deserving of love . True love and companionship. I’m a newlywed, it’s not perfect , Neither one of us are perfect (I spent my life trying to be perfect , didn’t work lol). And yes, I can laugh now. After years of self doubt, I know who I am, still learning everyday though.
- MasONeil
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Re: Gay and Now Divorcing
Dog Lover, I just read your story. Please don't ever think that there was something that you could have done differently. I only recently found out that my marriage is over. We were married for 27 years, have two birthchildren and one foster/adopted child. I was always trying to fix what was wrong in our marriage - the lack of intimacy, his depression, what I saw as my failings as a wife and mother. Guess what ... it is NOT our fault. When someone can't be true to themselves, they can never be true to others. I feel your pain! The devastation and feelings of inadequency are abundant ... my future that I thought would be forever with him is now leaving me completely alone as all my children have moved on in their lives. They support me, but are not part of my daily exsistance. I feel like I am falling through an abis. I am very fortunate to have several good supportive friends and family ... they are how I am getting through this ... well, plus this site. We will survive and come out stronger on the other side.
- Dog lover
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Re: Gay and Now Divorcing
Dear MasONeil,
I am so very sorry to hear of the end of your marriage. That is lifetime to be together. I understand about feeling like you are in an abyss. I feel the same. Many nights I have nightmares. It’s so so hard. What s blessing to have a family and friends. Even though I have a large family, I am not close to most of them and I am living in a new area so i don’t really have many friends here either. The closest is thousands of miles away. I am thankful for this forum and people’s support.
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