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Tue Aug 23 6:55 pm  #1

Lucky or delusional?

My wife of 20 years came out last weekend.  We have 3 kids, great jobs, wonderful home, a perfect life to anyone looking in from the outside.  I was blindsided.  This was her first step, and she came out to me and me only.  She has never had a lesbian relationship and there has been no cheating.  Ever.  To put a label on it, I would call it bi curious.  But it’s definitely real and deep, and she needs to explore it.

At first I was devastated.  I felt like I lost everything.  Too late to start over and condemned to a life of loneliness.  I’m a bit of an introvert and think it would be hard to meet someone new.  I probably had all the expected feelings. Anger, betrayal, etc.  I asked dumb questions like “Why did you waste 20 years of my life?”  I also didn’t think she was being truthful.  I thought she was holding back.  I thought she had already mapped out her exit, and was just breaking the news to me gently to ensure an orderly and graceful exit for the children’s sake.  She showered me with compliments, which just made things worse.  “It’s not you, it’s me” kind of stuff.  I imagined a future of re-affirming lesbian therapy which would further solidify her need to explore that side of her sexuality and ultimately leading to a split.

And then things changed, I started thinking about her.

I thought about her depression over the years, life decisions made to cover up unhappiness, post-partum depression, and stress at work.  The days where she would look to me with tears in her eyes and I would think “here we go again” and I would hug her just long enough to justify a walk to the kitchen to refresh my drink, or worse, not to hug at all.  Over the years our relationship evolved into an asexual one.  Kids, careers and the “perfect life” lead to little time for sex….at least that’s what I told myself.  But the truth is, I pushed her away, and she pushed me away.  I was too preoccupied with myself to worry about her, and felt by working hard and giving her the “perfect life” (which she never wanted), that was enough.  She could take care of her own problems.  But her problem was me.  I’m an emotional midget so to speak, and without me being there for her, her lesbian side emerged to fill the void. 

It’s been an emotional week.  I know I didn’t make her gay, that’s clear.  She’s had these feelings for years, I just didn’t know about them, like so many of her other feelings I’ve ignored.   But once I realized I’ve been an emotionally absent husband, I cried.  And we cried, something we have never done together before.  Her openness about her sexuality has brought us closer together than ever before.  And for that I’m thankful.  Thankful that we have some time for therapy, open and honest talks and exploration.  I’m also hopeful that I can be a part of her sexual awakening. 

What scares me most is that if we are successful in rebuilding our marriage but her lesbian needs are still not met, the marriage will still end.

So, am I lucky to have a second chance to rebuild my marriage with my bisexual wife or just delusional in thinking it can work?

Last edited by hopeful (Tue Aug 23 6:59 pm)


Tue Aug 23 7:17 pm  #2

Re: Lucky or delusional?

My sincere hope for you is that you are lucky.  Unfortunately, experience has made me skeptical.  I am glad that you found this group so quickly.  Please read other posts, it may help you to decide if you are lucky or in denial.  Again, I can only speak from my own experience.  But the level of lies and mind-games are played on straight spouses by our not straight spouse is impressive, but not a good way.

They want to keep their options open and we pay the ultimate price with years of our life that we will never get back.

I wish you well.  And please keep reading and posting.



Tue Aug 23 7:25 pm  #3

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Thank you lost.

My wife actually directed me here and we are starting therapy next week.  We are trying to be very open and honest which is a little bit different for me.  


     Thread Starter

Tue Aug 23 7:28 pm  #4

Re: Lucky or delusional?

The big unknown is would these feelings have come out eventually no matter what? We all have feelings and attractions but (hopefully) keep them under control because we choose our spouse above ALL others, irregardless of gender, looks, personality, etc. Only you and your spouse can decide how close you can walk this line and for how long. Good luck.


Tue Aug 23 7:48 pm  #5

Re: Lucky or delusional?

No matter what, your wife's sexuality isn't from anything you've done. I'm glad that you are able to honestly see how your own actions over the years have affected your wife. It sounds like you could benefit from counseling to work on your issues.

As for your wife having lesbian urges, why is she entitled to explore them if she's in a monogamous relationship with you? I don't agree that people need to have every one of their sexual desires indulged or they're being denied. That being said, if she is no longer attracted to you, indulging her in getting her sexual needs met elsewhere won't change that.

I'm not sure how to advise you.  You can be supportive of her journey toward happinesz without being married. It seems like you two haven't made each other happy in a long time. Crying over that once together doesn't fix that.

Best to you -


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Tue Aug 23 7:55 pm  #6

Re: Lucky or delusional?

I too hope that you are lucky.  I am unsure how one explores an interest in gay sex when still married.  You need to think carefully about your boundaries before any such exploration occurs.  I can only tell you that I personally could not agree to my spouse going to try it out with someone else.  I would view that as cheating regardless of the other person's gender.  What I have seen from my own experience and from reading here is that the gay, bi, GID etc all seem to feel that finding their true self is not cheating ... it is a special loophole.  I do not agree.  If my spouse needs to go explore something different, that means he is no longer committed to only me and needs to leave first (divorce) before proceeding.  I am not the safety net, fallback option for anyone.  I understand and empathize with how hard it must have been for your wife to share this with you.  That honesty is rare and admirable.  But it still doesnt mean that she can now keep you on hold while she explores it physically.  And now that you know her truth, it is unlikely that you and she can genuinely meet each others' needs longterm.  Something to explore in counseling for sure.  I wish you the best.  It will not be an easy path.

Last edited by Dixie (Tue Aug 23 7:57 pm)


Tue Aug 23 7:55 pm  #7

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Thanks Daryl.  I guess the question I keep asking myself is, "Is it better to have an unhealthy marriage with a straight person or a healthy one with a lesbian?"  You are right, only we can decide how close to the line we can walk....which is why I'm thankful we are trying to decide it together.  And I'm hopeful, but hopefully not delusional.

     Thread Starter

Tue Aug 23 8:00 pm  #8

Re: Lucky or delusional?

How can a straight man and a lesbian have a healthy marriage?


Tue Aug 23 8:17 pm  #9

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Same two people and same marriage as last week, just different labels.  This one feels better, honest and open.  I'm hopeful.

     Thread Starter

Tue Aug 23 8:26 pm  #10

Re: Lucky or delusional?


The journey I hope to go on isn't to indulge her physical desires. It's to satisfy her emotional ones.  It was much more than "crying".  It was a recognition of our failures, and hopefully a path to happiness.  Almost tears of joy.

     Thread Starter

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