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June 15, 2018 6:15 am  #11

Re: To tell or not to tell....

Interesting. For me, I think its important for he and I both to have these answers. He is the best friend I have ever had, I really look to preserving us both because in my eyes, we are partners. It is not my 'job' to fix everything but for him and I to work on it together toward making it better. His happiness means a lot to me. I am hurt and angry but I am still crazy in love with him because he is awesome in so many other ways. I need/deserve answers for myself and for us. Some would see this as stupid or fantasy but I see it as unconditional love. I am determined to get through this and not just get through it but to do so with victory and a smile, even if it doesn't turn out to have a fairy tale ending.

I, like you, do not care what others think because it is my life and they can judge how they choose but that is their own issue, not mine. If people only realized the individual situations and walked in a persons shoes then they would have more compassion and understanding instead of unjust judgments.

You are a very kind person to take the time and listen to me, thank-you so much, I appreciate it.


June 17, 2018 3:19 pm  #12

Re: To tell or not to tell....

Rosallie wrote:

You are a very kind person to take the time and listen to me, thank-you so much, I appreciate it.

Thank you Rosallie.....finding someone who listens without judgment is the goal for us all but especially in this instance when the straightspouse's foremost thought is not to leave but to stay. Who's to say there are NOT men & women who have the inner strength to see this through together, and not break up the life they have. If there are people brave enough to choose "authenticity" over hiding in a closet for the rest of their lives......can there not be others who choose the value & history of their partners....rather than lose them to something they don't feel 100% committed to? 

Rosallie....have you listened to the Voices podcasts yet?

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 17, 2018 4:03 pm)

*between a rock and a hard place*

June 24, 2018 10:19 pm  #13

Re: To tell or not to tell.... are you?  

*between a rock and a hard place*

June 28, 2018 4:59 am  #14

Re: To tell or not to tell....

Hi Rosalie.  At the beginning when I found out my husband was gay, I wanted us to stay together.  I was VERY emotionally and financially dependent on him as well.  He ended up moving out and I stayed in our home.  I begged him to stay and called him almost every night crying hysterically to come home.  I now see that it was "trauma bonding" (I think it's called).  I was seeking comfort from the very man who ruined my life.  We were happily married for 25 years or so I thought and was told by him many times.  I think back on those times and my stomach just rolls.  It was sooo devastating.  Anyway, after finding this site and reading most of it, I came to the understanding that he certainly wasn't the man I and everyone else knew.   I'm now thankful he's gone and didn't give in to me begging to come home.  I never thought I could live alone but I'm doing it.  I haven't worked in 3 years and can't support myself either.  He pays the mortgage and all the bills.  He has no choice.  It's the least he can do for me.  I hope things work out for you if you choose to stay.  There's a lot of history after 38 years and that's almost impossible to just throw away.  I'm 55 and thought why the hell divorce at this age?  My life is almost over.   I thought I could possibly make it work but now I see that it would have been impossible.  I'm just beginning to feel now that it was worth him leaving me but I still cry over whats been lost.  Don't feel 'less than'  for staying because sometimes there's just no other answer.  I'm sure he'll go to his grave with his secret and the closest you'll ever get to honesty is his silence.  In a situation like yours I think it's best to not even know the gory details but that's just my opinion.  I hope you find happiness in whatever you do.  This is the worst thing that could ever happen to a wife, I'm so sorry you find yourself in our company.


Last edited by Kathyd (June 28, 2018 5:04 am)


July 23, 2018 6:14 pm  #15

Re: To tell or not to tell....

Have you tried couples counseling? It almost sounds like he's closer to asexual than gay or bi. 

And believe me, the majority of women in your position have said, "I didn't see it coming." You are not alone, and you are not greedy for wanting to have touch, sex, warmth, and nourishment from him. 

And if he won't go to a counselor, you should find one for yourself. You need the support of a professional to get you to solid ground, where you can communicate with him in a way that makes him feel safe (or where you can start working to create the kind of life you deserve, with or without him).


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