Ellexoh_nz wrote:

But I attempted ... to join a Yahoo MOM group...but was rejected.

Whoa. That is not at all the experience I've had; all the groups I've joined have been nothing but welcoming and open. The only thing I can think of is that the MMOMW group requires both spouses to join. Did your spouse join too, but only you were rejected? Or was it just you trying to join? If you tried by yourself, you would have been turned down.

There is a women's only group called Alternate Paths. I don't think there is any requirements to join that, other than writing a short intro that is posted as your welcome thread. Have you tried to join that one? What was your experience there? Would you like me to try to find out how to add you there? 

Regarding the inclusivity of the rainbow flag:

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

This is, I feel, an empty platitude. Nowhere....have I seen mention of a straight spouse in anything I've read in the uplifting/be authentic literature, writings, articles of the LGBTQ community

How true, we ARE largely invisible! It's high time that changed, isn't it? And that's why, after much thought and nervousness, I decided I deserve to be included, and why I'm trying my best to be out and open about my MOM. Of course, I always felt included as an ally, even before marrying my husband, so I never had that sense of exclusion.

It's getting better. I've started to see MOMs mentioned in places like PFLAG and community resource pages, a HuffPo article pointing to a Ted Talk, and among "pansexual" kids who don't really recognize the boundaries of social gender expectations anymore. And have you seen the wonderful online book, Mixed Orientation Marriages: Pathways to Success? 

We are rare creatures, so it's not really that strange that we're not represented as much as we'd like to be. And we all know how vital representation is for peace of mind and a sense of community. All I can do is risk being vulnerable, put myself out there, and hope that others who see me and are in this situation themselves will feel free to reach out... thus, we will start our own community. Indeed, one young friend did reach out after I made my own "coming out" post, and her surprise at finding out that she wasn't alone, she wasn't crazy for trying to make this work, and that it was indeed possible for it to work... well, her relief was palpable.

I'm also working with a local LGBT resource center here in Chicago, to try to launch some kind of MOM support system. And I transferred my healthcare to the local LGBT clinic, so that if I ever have health concerns related to my MOM (STI testing, for instance, if we ever decide to go down that route), I know I will not be judged or shamed. The (gay) doctor did raise his eyebrows when I told him my brief history, but then he asked some really good and insightful questions that told me he was truly interested and invested in my care. 

So yes, we ARE out of sight. I'm taking it upon myself to get the word out, to create the spaces and support systems I'd wished I'd had available before now, to bring a positive spin into spaces like this that currently might feel hostile to those like me. Who knows how successful I'll be? But I know that if I don't even try, nothing will change. 

I may be operating under a completely erroneous set of assumptions, so perhaps I need to clarify before I alienate anyone else...

This subforum is a support group for people who want their MOMs to continue and thrive, right? We are looking for pathways through the dark and gloomy societal messages of divorce and despair, to a long, happy ,and mutually fulfilling partnership with the person we love more than anyone else on the planet? 

If it is just a space to tolerate an MOM as a less-desirable situation, as a cross that we are forced to bear, then perhaps I am indeed in the wrong place. How do YOU all view this part of the SSN forum?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

LOL....last time I started a thread here nobody posted so I had it deleted.
I realise it's difficult communicating on this board. It feels like not many want to admit they could post here....but surely some of the climbing 'view count' are people dying to post about trying to keep their r'ship together. I think I heard  that most MOMs fail after 3 years, so I've turned very realistic about mine. Almost like "this r'ship has been given 3 years to live" so don't spend it thinking about what it might have been but rather focus on what it is now. I 
no longer look for proof, it was eating me up inside, but am prepared now for whatever may come


How is your MOM.....?

I'm/we're still comfortably sitting between that rock and that hard place. 
We are still comfortably planning, living, laughing. Both of us know it's not the same, and never will be again, but 
still neither of us wants to change 'us'. 


 

I am only 2 weeks post disclosure. 2nd marriage for us both. There was no actual infidelity except porn an magazine's  no physical affairs.  I am so proud of my husband for coming out as Bisexual to me. In all his 54 years he told no one, he was terrified of people finding out and judging him yet for more things.  The stress out, highly volatile, confused, anxiety ridden man I've known disappeared before my eyes .I dont know where this new place will take us but I do know it will be better for us both.  I love him with a much hear and as he does me. We will get thru this. We believe in ourselves, our love, our strength and God.  I hope you can really think about the good. Maybe try to reconcile within parameters set. Best of luck to you.

Emelsee, some of the biggest indicators for a successful MOM include honesty, commitment, and communication. It sounds like you two have those things in spades! If you don't find porn to be awful, consider sharing it with your husband... if you can let him know that you both appreciate sexy male bodies, it will open up a whole new world in the bedroom. He's very lucky to have such a loving, supportive, positive, and flexible partner in you... and if he looks around even a little bit, he'll see the truth of that and treat you like the gem you are! 

Well, Emelsee, you have now seen a pretty clear demonstration of two different ways to approach your situation... with trust and recognition of what you do have between you and a full intention of not only being open to learn more about each other, but to celebrate and encourage each other as partners as you journey together through life... or with suspicion, defensiveness, expectations of pain/hurt, and fear. You are now in the position of choosing which path you set out upon. A wise friend once told me, "Start as you mean to go on," and it applies to the new chapter of your marriage, as well! 

Yes, this can be a rough road. But in my experience, the toughest parts were caused by my own fear, anger, and inability to open my heart and really listen to what my partner was trying to tell me. Nobody expects a perfect spouse... every single couple will have a tough time at one point or another. If you approach your partner with empathy and compassion, he is much more likely to offer the same to you. No guarantees, of course, but we all want to game the system in our favor, don't we?

And Ellexoh... the offer of including you in the various support groups mentioned above still stands, and I'm still genuinely interested in the answers to all the questions I've asked you over the last few days. I'm so sorry you are still in such a hurt, angry place. I'm trying to see you like an injured animal that bites whoever tries to reach out to it... you don't mean to inflict pain on others, but you are perhaps feeling trapped and scared and wounded. It will get better if you can open yourself up to the possible ways "better" can look. But of course, we all need to walk our own paths and grieve in our own time and heal at our own pace. I will still try to engage with you with respect and hope that you really DO want to make your MOM work... not just work, but become a place for you to thrive and find joy.