OutofHisCloset wrote:

 
    You need to stop thinking about "us" and start thinking about "me and my daughter."  It's a good impulse for you to think about what you'd tell a friend if she were in your shoes.  Now switch that up a little: think about what a friend would say to you--or think about being the friend to yourself--and follow that advice.  

Take it even further.... I know your daughter is still young, but what advice would you give her? What would you want for her? Thinking about the examples I am setting for my girls has given me an amazing kind of strength. I don't ever want them to be in a situation like this. If they were though and I advised them to leave, I wouldn't want them to say, "Why didn't you leave then?" Just something to think about.

Stay strong.

I finally spoke to someone about it. A very close friend that I know won’t necessarily judge and will definitely keep it confidential. It feels like such a weight has been lifted knowing that I’m not carrying all this information and feelings around on my own!
Thank you all for encouraging me to talk. It really has helped to get it all off my chest which has helped me not feel so nauseous all the time.
She did suggest that maybe he’s having erectile dysfunction (hence the viagra) but is embarrassed to talk to me about it. She says what if he’s maybe seeking out ways to help get him off? That he’s not necessarily gay but is interested in anal as maybe it will help his with an erection. Maybe he doesn’t want to ask me if we can try it as he doesn’t know how I’ll react?
What’s people’s opinions on these scenarios ?

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Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 1:27 pm)

First of all..... I'm so glad you were able to speak to someone. I know it was hard, and I'm so proud of you for doing that and that it did prove beneficial for you.

I think your friend means well and is giving you scenarios to help explain it away. After all, we all do the same thing upon discovery, right? However, I think you're right to trust your gut. Sean and the straight guys on this site tell us repeatedly that straight guys don't engage in that kind of behavior. They just don't.

But again, I'm so glad you were able to get that crushing weight off your chest.

Stay Strong.

Fi, I'm only just now catching up on this thread, and you'd asked about how you could phrase the questions you want to ask, and how do you initiate the discussion.  I wanted to respond: I spent literally weeks agonizing about this same issue, too.  In the end, though, I started to wonder why I should ask questions at all.  I knew he'd been cheating on me.  I knew it had been going on a long time, and that he was having sex with other men.  What's the question here?  Should I even be giving him the opportunity to cook up a cover story?  In fact, why should I even tell him how I found it out?  Is it in my best interest to teach him how to be a better liar next time?

So you might consider another approach, if you think it could work for you.  You know that he has been seeking out same sex relationships; you can simply state this as a fact.  It's not okay with you, and you will not remain in a marriage where he is cheating or lying.  

One thing I think a lot of cheaters do (both gay and straight, male and female): once they find out you've discovered a clue or piece of evidence, and you buy their totally innocent explanation of that clue ... they somehow decide that you're in denial and that you know they're cheating but don't want to make an issue of it.  So that gives them permission to keep doing it, and just explain to themselves and to any third party that you have an "understanding."  

I didn't want to open up an opportunity for my husband to come up with some ridiculous implausible explanation for what I'd seen, so I sidestepped entirely any part of any discussion in which I'd have to reveal the evidence.  And, I didn't mince my words explaining why.  I told him up front that he had a longstanding history of only confessing to what he'd already been busted for, not an inch more.