Circular, contradictory, confusing arguments, comments and behaviour are their trademark. They keep you off-balance and attached this way, which serves them beautifully. Have as little contact as possible and get YOUR own perspective on his behaviour, not his self-serving, manipulative views. You do NOT need to, nor should you support him, especially to your own detriment.

Last edited by Duped (June 14, 2018 9:49 am)

Jacki,
   You are doing exactly the right thing in getting a therapist for yourself, and one who has experience with the trauma that we straight spouses experience.  
    You are going to recover.  Your courage in confronting your old therapist and your determination in finding one just for you shows that you are already on the road to recovery and that you have what it takes to rebuild your life.  
   It will take time, and and it will involve all sorts of steps, like learning how to do your own banking, online.  That step was hard for me, too, because in our household my stbx did the bill paying (I would say he looked after finances, but really all that meant was that he weekly paid the bills, and never thought about budgeting, savings, retirement, etc).  He was also the tech person.  
   Before I made the decision to leave, the fact that I didn't know how to do those things seemed like reasons to stay.  Eventually I decided that those were areas in which because I turned them over to him I had acquired what's called "learned helplessness."  That helped me reconceptualize what seemed insurmountable into something I could learn.  And you know what?  I *am* learning. (I'm "unlearning my helplessness"!) I opened my own bank account (and yes, I cried the day I did that), and do my banking online, and although I haven't yet set up automatic payments, that's coming, because I'll be out of town next month when bills come in.  As for tech, yesterday after a very long day in which I was over at "our house" packing up in preparation for the mover to come and move the rest of my furniture to my new place, furious at my stbx for "doing this to me," I arrived back at my new place to find my wi-fi went out, just when I needed to vent to my best friend (who lives in another state) via email.  After I cried from anger and frustration, I got down to the business of troubleshooting; I ended up having to go to the Xfinity outlet this morning, but now I'm back up and running.  Small victories, but each adds to my self confidence and and my conviction that I will be ok.  More than ok.  In fact, this morning I encountered an old colleague in the grocery store, and when I said I was divorcing and why, he said, "I'm not making a pass at you, but I always thought you were a very attractive woman" (and yes, I thanked him!), so right now I feel so fabulous after that compliment and after fixing my wifi that I have reframed my former feeling of "I am such a bad woman my husband decided he didn't want to be a man any longer" to "I'm such a great woman that my husband decided he wanted to become one, too!"
   You will be ok.  We're all going through it (or have).  And we will help buck you up and get you through.  One thing I'd advise is to not let your stbx pull that kind of condescending kiss on the head stunt with you any longer or tell you  how you "will always be a family."  He no longer has the right to kiss you.  He gave that up.  And his actions have broken the family, and he shouldn't be allowed to convince himself of his nobility as he breaks it apart.  That attitude is right out of the narc coming out playbook, from what I have read here.  His act of "noblesse oblige" is patronizing and reinforces the idea that you are helpless, when what you need now is to access your anger and harness it for you and your children.  I bet the banker helping you would be pretty sympathetic if you'd said, "We're divorcing because my husband hid from me that he was gay."  And I hope you got a new credit card in your name only.  You're going to need that. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 14, 2018 10:32 am)

I do know of a few therapists who are str8 spouses themselves and provide professional services to other str8 spouses.  There are out there, but still rare. 

Last edited by phoenix (June 14, 2018 11:57 am)

Deleted.

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 7:05 pm)

Phoenix, yes, I have a lawyer that is representing me.  My understanding is that as long as we agree (asshole and me) then we can do this.  The petition has been filed in court (divorce petition), so my understanding is there is life before petition is filed and life after petition is filed in terms of assets and money.  I will be sure to be careful here tho~thanks!

In terms of the new therapist~I met and I liked her.  She was clearly not on his side, but encouraged me to NOT be worried or concerned about him at all.  She said things like "not your problem" and "he will have to find his own support."  She did recommend setting boundaries regarding not allowing him to touch (hug, kiss) me as he did in fact lose his right to that.  She encouraged journaling to get out my anger so it doesn't eat me up inside.
Then, yesterday in the afternoon, asshole came over to show me the online bill pay stuff.  I didn't cry, was all business and got through it and when he said things like "we don't have to change the Verizon plan since we are all on it." I said, I will be changing everything.  He said "I'll pay you any money I owe," and I said, I will just have myself removed and you can keep the plan with the kids.  I still feel like he has this fantasy that life will remain pretty much as it was, only now he will not be having to try or pretend to meet my basic human needs...like the perfect deal for him.  So strange to me that he could possibly even think or consider this!!!!!
I did tell him that I pray I will one day be able to forgive him but that right now I hate his fucking guts!