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May 21, 2018 8:00 pm  #1


Finally Breaking Free...ish

My desire is to heal my life.  Take back my power.  How to do this is to completely extricate him from my mind which after 27 years is tough, but I’m finally getting there.  I was taught in my relationship that to depend on others was to be weak....how convenient for a GIDH.  We are in charge of our own happiness.  I have a responsibility to be happy.  This is a half truth because it is normal to turn to our partners for emotional support and when they come out as SSA or LBGT whatever we naturally are supportive...

But it felt like there had been so much emotional manipulation and abuse that I hardly understood until now two years post divorce...  I mean really the level of cheating going on during so many times when I was trying so fucking hard to please....it sickens me now....I was a fucking 50s housewife dancing around trying to make his life more pleasant because boohoo he wasn’t happy and it was my fault.  Why I thought that is really the question I have to ask myself as I was not really happy doing this, but I was convinced it was somehow my fault he was unhappy....classic co-dependent....

I realized how much power I have given this man over my happiness for so long.  I believed all his bullshit about how I was too demanding, too needy for decades.  It impacted my mental health because rather than think “my husband is cruel or unkind” I thought I was needy and demanding.  I made my life about figuring out what was wrong with ME!  Oh so convenient for a cheating GID spouse - the gaslighting was on full blast for so long....

Surely I couldn’t have KNOWN?  But in many ways I knew that he didn’t love me like my friends husbands did.  He actually hated me and I think he was jealous of my happiness and would go out of his way to undermine it as he was so messed up and caught up in his own self-loathing.  I was so unhappy so often in my marriage, but when you go to a cheater to ask them what you can do as a couple to make things work then they will do what suits their agenda.  And so he did. 

Now I am feeling angry...haha maybe you have noticed 😂

But more than that I see that I was trying so hard to be politically correct and ‘understanding’ about his issues which I had known parts of....poor guy has a SSA, but isn’t acting on it of course....he is a man of honesty and integrity surely....

Now to know that all that emotional support and understanding were so one sided is hard to face.  He thinks nothing of me at all now, but that IS NOT NEW..... and I am only just realising how this is how he always was.  Utterly and totally SELFISH!

I kept thinking throughout the early stages of the divorce that it was a relationship and I did share some of the responsibility for its demise, but now I think NO.   Our life together was so unequal as I see how much I facilitated his life while he cheated and lied.  And once the kids left the house,  poof 😏 he was gone.  It was uncanny.  I just was so naive and gave away my life energy to support a person thru their family life and then when the truth came out....poof he was gone and on to someone else to look at him adoringly and be his new beard...so this week he remarried.  And I am determined more than I ever have been to

BE HAPPY.  SUCCESSFUL. HAVE FUN.  ENJOY LIFE AND BE MARVELLOUS!  BECAUSE THAT FOLKS IS THE BEST AND ONLY REVENGE....

AND FORGET THE FUCKER EVER EXISTED EXCEPT AS A SPERM DONOR....yea I’m not even gonna give him credit or kudos anymore because I did so much of that when I was his beard.  so done. So done.
So much better really to be alone than with someone who doesn’t think I’m wonderful.... 

poof haha get it poof... word for fag, gay man in the UK....

Last edited by Leah (May 21, 2018 8:03 pm)

 

May 21, 2018 9:08 pm  #2


Re: Finally Breaking Free...ish

ARGHHHHH !!!!  A new beard??  I would be so fucking mad too. You are so right in saying our self-made happiness, success and life enjoyment is now in our hands.  With that attitude you are bound to find someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful.  I don't think you'll be alone for too long girl.  GO GET 'EM!!  Dam I'd be so tempted to spill everything to the new unsuspecting bride!  HUGS!


WTF
 

May 21, 2018 11:11 pm  #3


Re: Finally Breaking Free...ish

Hot damn Leah! You sound fierce! Love it! Screw that guy! I have faith that you will own marvelous. And I seriously commend your will power to not spill the beans. I don't know if I can do it. Mine is GID, iron closet, who I'm sure is searching up his next victim. Hugs

 

May 22, 2018 8:10 pm  #4


Re: Finally Breaking Free...ish

YOU GO GIRL!!!


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

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