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May 16, 2018 6:03 pm  #1


Post-Divorce Counseling?

Has anyone tried counseling, post-divorce?  My ex has been asking me to consider going to counseling, with him.  He thinks it would help us "understand each other" and be "some sort of family".  I have my own range of thoughts about this, but I would love to hear from anyone who has tried this.  I don't mind hearing from anyone who has an opinion, but I'd really most appreciate hearing from someone who has tried it, actually.

 

May 17, 2018 6:37 pm  #2


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

jk,
   I know you're primarily interested in hearing from those who've tried counseling post-divorce, but when I read your post I couldn't help remembering that when you have spoken to your ex about your marriage, he's always managed to make it seem as if you were (at least equally) at fault.  If you suspect that part of his "understand each other" will involve his blame shifting, then I think you're right to be suspicious.  
  As for your children, wouldn't the question of whether anything positive will result be dependent on what you and he hope to got out of it?  I think "understand each other" is a very vague basis to go to counseling on, and you might want to articulate for yourself and tell him what you want out of counseling in the way of benefits for the children.  I don't know whether you're "parallel parenting" or something more collaborative, but in the long run each of you will have your own relationship with your children, not a joint one.  
  Your fear that going to counseling will set back your own healing seems important for you to listen to.  It feels to me, an outsider who has followed your posts for a good part (but not all) of your time on the SSN, that he wants this to benefit himself.  That doesn't obligate you to agree.  Has he been able to say how he thinks this will benefit you, to "understand" him?  (I tend to think that if "understanding each other" is the goal, you could accomplish that by each of you writing a letter to the other in which you articulate what you need to say.)

 

May 17, 2018 6:59 pm  #3


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

Deleted. 

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 7:01 pm)

 

May 17, 2018 8:10 pm  #4


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

Not sure what is in for the children. Your're doing a great job with them.      I feel it would be using the children who probably want no part of it..they have been through enough.  

There is definitely more hurt and trauma for you  most of all. 

What part of the word divorced doesn't he understand?

 

Last edited by Rob (May 17, 2018 8:17 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 17, 2018 8:10 pm  #5


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

The only way I could see doing this is if the focus is on co-parenting. As in.... how do we share responsibility, come to difficult decisions, and make sure the divorce machine runs as smoothly as it can.  It's all a moot point if nothing that comes out of his mouth can be trusted, though. What good is choming to a consensus on ANYthing if it's all lies or false promises?

Counseling, to me, is about getting to a different place than you're currently in. If you do the counseling with another person, then you should be doing it in order to get to another place WITH that person. It implies a committed relationship - whether a spouse, a child, a parent, or a sibling.  Because you intend to remain a unit of some sort, and you need help getting to a better place together. If you do NOT intend to move forward together in a commitment, then it's pointless. Again, the exception would be co-parenting. But that would have nothing about your past brought up - it's all about co-parenting in your current situations. Period.

You two already understands each other just FINE. He's gay. Doesn't want to be, and needs to live an authentic life. You're straight. You're angry and hurt that he lied to himself and consequently selfishly dragged you and the kids down a path of hurt. Understanding his journey more means you feeling sorry for him and giving him absolution for his actions. THAT's what he wants. He understands you VERY well. He has all along. It's why he kept his secret under wraps. Because he knew how devastating it would be, and how bad it would make him look. He's not looking to steep in those feelings any more than be has already.

You can each move forward using your own counselors and support networks. You're each going in your own direction, doing what's best for you each individually. Doing that together is not only pointless, but impossible.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 17, 2018 8:14 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

May 19, 2018 6:38 am  #6


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

    I'm glad you're feeling certain now in your decision not to meet him or go to counseling together.  If I'd known the detail of his heartless decision to spring his sexuality on you on the anniversary of your daughter''s death I would have been less equivocal and more certain in my reply; that heartless and selfish move on his part reveals you had--and have--nothing to work with.  And as you are divorced and you have full custody, you have nothing to work for or towards, a point Kel makes very well.  (It is meanly ironic to me, however, that he ended up working in a Starbucks after ambushing you in one to control your repsonse to his disclosure.)
  You have worked very hard to put yourself and your children back on track.  You went from being a stay at home married mom to a working single mother; you brought your son back from the brink, and you have created a happy and healthy environment for them.  And you did this while working within yourself to stay free of bitterness; I've always admired you and your response and your character.  I really can't bear to think of you giving your ex an opportunity to drag you backwards into turmoil that, as you say, will certainly affect both you and your children.  
 

 

May 21, 2018 4:55 pm  #7


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

JK,

I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all your posting as I see so much strength and wisdom in the way you are handling this. 

I asked my ex to come to see a counsellor early and before full disclosure and his reply was “if it would help you” as he too seems to think I need to share in the responsibility for our marital breakdown.  So I decided that it would not be helpful.  The counsellor I saw was wetting herself at the opportunity to deal with his ‘sex addiction’ and I just thought it would have been a completely traumatising experience for me as the whole gay thing gets such sympathy and understanding while the SS gets sidelined. 

Unhealthy attachment is something I have to keep reminding myself I have.  And my hat’s off to you for disengaging.  You have made the right choice not to subject yourself to any more mind games....

 

May 21, 2018 5:22 pm  #8


Re: Post-Divorce Counseling?

I admire your discernment process!   Good decision. 
 

 

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