Thank you, Jen. It would be so much easier if I did not love him. But exactly what you have been thru, he is putting me thru, I even took notes and wrote down what he said during our phone conversations, and then he still denied it. 

I have 2 options:

If I stay with him , we are roommates, best buddies, we have good times together.  But I don't believe I could be intimate with him, there is no trust.

Or I divorce him, live alone, establish a new life......and have HOPE, just maybe even at 63 years old, I could find someone who not only loves me but desires me as a women intimately.  

There is no easy choice, it takes courage to stay and courage to leave.

CindyS,

One of the things you said above stuck out to me - because I had the same narrative in my mind for over a decade, using the same words: "If I stay with him, we are roommates, best buddies, we have good times together. But I don't believe I could be intimate with him, there is no trust.

Or I divorce him, live alone, establish a new life......and have HOPE, just maybe even at 63 years old, I could find someone who not only loves me but desires me as a women intimately."

I wasn't 63, I was 40. But I still felt like it was something that couldn't happen - not because of my age so much as everything else; I was (and am) severely overweight at 300 lbs. I'm loud, obnoxious and stubborn. I had three children - then ages 7, 9 and 13. The oldest had (and still has) behavioral and mental health issues - to the point where my home was like a war zone a lot of days. My ex was gay. His mother still lived with me, and was ill. A male friend of the family lived with me, too. My ex wasn't going to provide much in the way of support. I had zero savings, was always behind the 8-ball on bills, and had some physical challenges (most notably a really bad knee) that made my lifestyle a little.... sedentary.  Now, I'm not TRYING to put myself down. I had and have other wonderful attributes, too.  I'm a hard worker, I'm a good mother, I can cook and clean and I clean up nice. I have a large support network and a big personality and a huge sense of humor, as well as a lot of strength. But c'mon - what kind of chances did I have for finding love again (all the way to marriage and a traditional life) with someone when I had all that baggage and stuff that wasn't attractive?  Boy-oh-BOY was I surprised to see how popular I was despite all that baggage!  Turns out most men who've been through life just want a good woman who's honest, isn't there to take advantage of anyone, and is fun to be around. And I dated a LOT of really nice men - some crazy, some needy, some that were just looking to get their rocks off.  BUT..... I found the one - and I found him REALLY quickly. And we're going on 5 years this summer of wedded bliss.  I'm not talking about the kind of man a "fat girl" can get - the kind that is interested in a relationship but just sits on his ass and watches TV all the time with a beer in his hand.  I'm talking about the kind of man who every woman I know wishes she were with.  And every man I know says he's a good guy. The kind of guy that my brothers pat on the back and hug when they see him, because he's freaking awesome.  If Iiiiii could find that, then you can, too.  There are men your age who are normal and nice and would love to have a good woman like you. They.are.out.there - just like you are.

When I was in your shoes, I was looking at my options like you are: I can either stay here - with what MIGHT be the best man I'll ever be able to get - and choose to be happy with what we DO have - a friendship, a buddy, a father to my children - OR I could leave for what might be nothing.  If faced with that choice, the answer seems obvious - you'd stay.  But then I turned it around the other way and I swear it made ALL the difference:  I could leave, and maybe never find what I'm looking for. OR.... I could stay, and KNOW that I'm never going to find what I'm looking for - because it's.not.here.  Faced with THAT choice, my chances for finding happiness were better if I left.  I was ASSURED to not find happiness if I stayed.  So I left. And I found everything I was looking for and more - I found things I never even thought to wish for.

Kel
 

cindys
   I know that was a hard decision to make, and although it feels right, it also hurts.  It hurts to find out that our "clueless" husbands, who we think will change if only we tell them how much they are hurting us, are quite willing to go on hurting us; they aren't "clueless" in the sense of "not knowing," but "clueless" in the sense of "indifferent."  They're indifferent to our pain, because their closet means more to them than we do.  
  I'm sure you'll doubt yourself and your decision, and consider taking it back, many times, even after he moves out.  Doubt comes from the same place as our impulse to stay with them; it comes from our questioning ourselves in favor of giving them the benefit of the doubt.  If you make a list of his lies/gaslighting and what you know to be true, it will be helpful to you in those times of doubt. 
   He'll also be trying hard to hoover you back in, and that may take the form of love-bombing or just trying to wear you down with unwanted contact.  I can't say strongly enough that "no contact" is the way to peace and happiness.  The less you see and talk to him, the more you will recover your sense of yourself and your equilibrium.  And I am betting that once he's gone and out of the house you will begin to do just that.
   Congratulations on taking the hardest step.  

OOHC, I did make a list, and it does help to keep what I know to be true. Those "doubts" do creep in.

Duped, I need this separation......I need to clear my head....and hopefully, this separation will guide me in the right direction to take the next step.......give me answers.